The drama I create to entertain myself in this riot called Life

Somehow I made it through this ridiculous weekend. First of all, nothing went as planned. LOL. My life is such a joke at times...do I make it that way? Perhaps I do create drama for personal amusement. Not a great idea. Especially when people's feelings are involved.

Let me back up to Friday...I was leaving work early. I chose not to take a lunch and instead went outside to smoke with J. We had a nice talk, he shared some serious things with me about his marriage to his ex-wife and how he's doing now. I talked to him about C. It felt right to share such things, the moment was real.

I decided to get bold. As I was walking out past his desk, I slipped him my phone number on a scrap of paper.  We said bye and I headed out to my car.

I wanted to call C., because he had texted me saying he invited his cousin to the party we were going to. We had exchanged a few vague and sort of off-putting texts throughout my shift, and I figured I'd just call to clear stuff up. I was calm, cool, and collected.

It didn't last...he didn't answer the first time I called so I hit redial. He answered the second time and I could immediately decipher his tone as cold and angry. I was instantly thrown back and nervous. I tried to talk and he was quiet. Finally, he exploded...telling me how I am "argumentative" with a "short fuse" that "frightened him" and he felt "too scared to get involved with someone like me".

I was obviously defensive, but my heart knew what to do. I sat back, took a deep breath, and let him rail into me. He stopped for a split second and I spoke up. I basically said that he gets "scared easily" and not to worry about getting involved, because I didn't want to see or hear from him. Ever again.

I hung up the phone, walked into the store I had been sitting in front of, and bought a six-pack of beer. I was shaking and upset. I went to my friend's house and chugged two of those cold ones before driving us to see the band. It was a good show. The singer that I briefly mentioned last time was looking cute, and after their set, we had a tiny little chat. I feel like I can safely put him behind me, knowing that he's living in another state and what we had was just a one (or three) time thing. It was lust and that's it. Lust won't sustain a distance.

Remember how I gave J. my phone number? He had called me right after work so I figured I'd call him back and ask him to meet us for a drink elsewhere. He immediately agreed, and we decided to meet up.

I was drunk (and driving, yes I know) and bummed about C. I am not sure why I thought it was a good idea to meet up with J. under those conditions. But, when you're drinking you're doing silly stuff. We got there before him and I went to the ladies room to freshen up. Of course he came when I was in there, and I could hear him talking to my friend.

The night was weird. I was quiet. J. was flirting with my friend. I lost two games of pool, and a little respect for myself. I barely talked to J., and my friend is really bubbly, so he naturally was drawn to her.

We said goodbye in an uneventful way. I texted him when I got home, and also the next day, and never heard back from him. 

In two hours I will be at work and seeing him. I am nervous.

***

So the next day was Saturday, the big Halloween party that C. was supposed to come with. He obviously didn't, and I got real dressed up. Maybe I'll post a pic if you want to see one.

The party was awesome, but I ended up flirting with the host, a good friend; Jeff. The problem was that his newish girlfriend from another city was there. She's a LOT younger. It was my first time meeting her and her boyfriend was all over me. Awkward embarrassment and a lot of drunk conversations commenced.

I ended up getting a ride home from my brother, and Jeff texted me saying he needed to talk to me and could we meet up for a drink this week? I said yes.

Facebook says they're still together, so I definitely didn't ruin anything. But I feel bad. About the entire weekend, honestly. I was a hot mess both days, I pushed two guys away, and I quite possibly caused another couple some problems. I need to not hate myself but I really can't stop.

I'm sitting here alone - doing laundry, drinking coffee, feeling stoned. I have no idea what to expect from J. today at work, and I'm feeling fat because I ate and drank a lot this weekend. My nails are magenta and my stomach is in knots.

I'm just going to play it cool. I'm trying like hell to just stop caring. Wish me luck.

Stay Strong

~Sar

XO