Remorse

"I cheated myself, like I knew I would."

I relate to those words right now because I canceled on C....just texted him with some excuse.
His reaction surprised me. He said, Sarah... We'll have fun! Who knows, maybe you'll even be happy. C'mon, please?

I explained that I had of stuff to do and that I must get to it, hinting that I'm extremely busy working full time which is something he does NOT do. Which, honestly, if I'm being real, is unacceptable. If I'm going to work then any guy I date will have to work just as much. It's how I was raised, it's what I deem manly, it's the American way.

When asked about it last time we hung out, he said he did "landscaping", and he was very vague about it regarding hours, winter options, etc. Plus, he said that thing about us "hanging out for the sake of seeing each other" which I truly don't get.

I'm just falling and flailing for excuses for my behavior. I'm just a big fat scaredy cat who got her period today. It's a cold, blustery day and I don't want to drive 45 minutes to see someone who seemingly only wants to be friends. Fuck that.

Plus, after last night...I'm positive that my single heart is where it belongs. Here's why!

At work last night, J. and I had a few short talks and the chemistry was a-sizzlin! On break it was determined that we were both going out for drinks after work.

At the end of our shift standing by the time clock, in the 30 seconds we were waiting before punching out, he asked where I was going (like what bar). I told him and he said where's that and I tried to explain. Then I said (as we were walking out the door) that he should suggest it later to his friends and come by, because I'll be there and wouldn't that be cool? He said see you later and I said maybe.

I got in my car, and he got in his. I sped out of the parking lot, and he followed. I drove to the bar and parked, he pulled up next to me and got out; glasses off, big grin. It was weird, because I was planning to reapply my deodorant but couldn't exactly do that with him standing there.

So we went in and a bunch of my friends were there, I was expecting 2 or 3 but there were 8 or 9 people and I had to use the ATM! So J. stood at the bar and ordered a beer. After withdrawing funds, I squeezed in between 2 girlfriends and took a shot with them, and then ordered a beer. J. disappeared. Then I went to the bathroom. We lost each other but met outside for a cigarette.

I started talking to this guy, well, I was coerced into the conversation. J. was talking to my friend, who also works with us. Then we made a circle and talked about Halloween costumes. J. remembered my costume and we shared a smile. He answered his phone, put down his beer, and announced that he was leaving to pick up his drunk friends. We made eye contact, said bye, and that was it. He was gone.
'
Pretty weird, huh? It's definitely got me wondering, that's for sure! Why would he literally follow me from work and then only stay for one beer? And bounce? I guess I just assumed that he was staying for at least a half hour! That's why I took my time...getting money, having an (unelaborate) shot with 2 girlfriends, using the bathroom to freshen up. I suppose he was looking for me to start talking right away. Well, I'm not really like that. I like to enjoy the chase, tease a little. He was going straight in for the kill?

Men are confusing! So here I am, it's a wide-open Saturday all of a sudden. I have a list of stuff to do, yes...but it's not exactly pressing. I'd like to put together my costume for next week's Halloween party. I'd like to get a pair of boots!

And just like that, I feel extremely guilty and sick. C. just texted me and said he's still going and that he hopes I change my mind and come too. WTF. There's nothing I hate more than a guilt trip. I hate all of this actually...my fears, my betrayal towards C., my aloof self last night with J.

I'm pushing people away but I'm semi-ok with it because I truly cherish my free time. Though the cravings for love are strong, they do not overpower my mind's voice that tells me to be selfish.

Have a better day than me.

Think thin.

***

Amy Winehouse:

XO

~Sar~