Crushing blow

Hello World. I'm currently sitting on my bony ass and listening to the Beatles while chewing the inside of my lips and mouth raw. I'm also smoking. I caved and bought again even though my therapist thinks I should quit and I told him I would try. I suppose it'll take time.

I feel like I've been eating too much. My mom said the other day that I look like I've "lost weight". I told her I have. She said, "it's not like you were big before". I said nothing but thought to myself, lies.

I bought a pair of size 4 jeans, and a size 3/4 skirt last weekend. They fit perfectly. I am smaller yes, but my belly remains (in my eyes). I've been eating kind of shitty and it's stressing me out.

I am distracted by the onslaught of this intense crush on D., the guy at work. My attraction towards him has been steadily growing, thanks to some conversations, laughs, and heavy eye contact and work is just a million times better, haha. He is hot! but not in a conventional way, and he's funny and smart.

I don't like him. I don't! I just want to do him. Is that so bad?

I just need to stop getting weak in the knees in his presence. I stroll by his desk constantly (the way the room is designed, (un?)fortunately) and suddenly I forget how to walk. I have to chant walk,walk in my head so I don't jump him, or stop to talk, or something! What is with me?

Rebound much? He's definitely aware that I recently got out of a relationship and hopefully he doesn't think I'm too nutty for getting a tad gaga around him these days! Who cares what he thinks? Not me, not really. Trying not to, I mean. 

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In other news, I phucking love music.

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pEacE

<3

Xo ~ Sar

My life has more in store

It's been two years. A long time, really...since the fire. The fucking stupid fire that put me at a crossroads that I've resented ever since. Today is the "anniversary". It's also just another day. I'm getting ready for work.

It's funny how work becomes your life. Day in, day out with the same people, doing the same things. Sometimes on the weekend I panic due to lack of routine. I'm off tomorrow (for Easter) and while I'm happy about it, I'm also wondering WTF am I going to do? Oh yeah, my taxes. I've been putting them off and the due date grows ever closer.

My stomach has felt sick for days. We found out that my Dad is definitely having an 8 hour surgery that will keep him in the hospital for up to 2 weeks. I'm pretty worried about him. I'm sick of stress.

Haven't seen ex J. in awhile, which is good and helping me get over him. Remember back in like December when I confided in you that I have a tiny workplace crush on a cute boy? Well I still do, and checking him out during the day is a wonderful distraction.

I really don't think he's "interested", I just think there is a small slight attraction. Whatever, it's fun.

The 10 pounds I lost after my breakup have mostly stayed off, but I've allowed myself to gain one or two this week (coinciding coincidentally with period week). Isn't that strange? I actually felt "too thin"...all my jeans were hanging off me and it looked bad! So right now I'm at 135 and I feel ok with it...for now. Don't get me wrong, I was happy to lose the weight, but I also like having an ass and boobs.

Have a peaceful day.
XO
~Sar