Too hot to eat

I'm sitting here melting in this heat. At least being super hot doesn't trigger my appetite. All I've had so far is some cut up watermelon and drinking some coffee now. I bought "Wasted" and started rereading it, for inspiration. I'm about a quarter through. It's like bumping into an old friend, good ol' Marya and her fucked up tale of thin.

I went on a date last weekend and got too drunk. He has been texting me though, so maybe not all is lost. Or maybe he just wants to "fix" me. Or maybe he's just as bored as I am.

I'm holding steady at 136, just in time for period bloat and bitchiness. I wake up every day and my hands make their way to my bones....my hip bones and ribs. I need to stay disciplined, I've been doing ok. Going to bed sort of hungry, waking up and making smart choices, saying no when my brain asks for a binge. It takes work but it's worth it and I know it.

My ex bf J. (the most recent, we broke up a few months ago) is having this huge summer party and invited all of my friends but me. It sucks to be excluded. It's not that I want or expect an invite, it's just reality sinking in that we fucked up our group of friends and caused an internal division that may stick.

I'm annoyed today. It's probably the heat. And my fat thighs - those really annoy me.

Peace, kids.

I don't want to be in love

I'm doing better. I woke up today 2 pounds down from Monday and that is a (slight) relief. I can't let myself get that bad, I need to stay in control. I am currently drinking coffee and doing laundry. Work soon. I am angry though, about some shit that went down at work yesterday. Hopefully nothing carries over to today. I honestly am just so done caring what anybody thinks. You don't like me? Fine, stay away/don't talk to me. Don't care. I'm there for the paychecks and health benefits..

Of course the drama I'm describing revolves around D., this guy I've been crushing on for months. He's a flirt. I could get into it, but I don't really want to/care enough. I tried showing him the light...I even sexted him. He is not doing anything about it, getting shyer and shyer around me it's sickening. But he can flirt for hours with this fat annoying bitch. OK D. Whatever.

Two days until the weekend and I really can't wait. I just need to NOT BINGE this weekend, lol. I can be strong, especially if I put on my bikini and go the beach or something.. Oh and it's Father's day on Sunday of course. So I need to buy him something.

God I'm in a shitty mood like always lately. I need to get laid I think. Or I could count my blessings. Or not.

The proof is in the pudding

Just binged for the 5th straight day. I am disgusting and feeling very fat. There's always a reason, right?

But nothing huge has even happened! I've just been stressed, anxious, and lovesick. NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON!...LIKE THERE EVER REALLY IS.

I am struggling struggling struggling .

I am trying like heck to not hate myself.

I need to STOP THIS and GET OVER IT and STOP FUCKING EATING!

(warning! food ahead)

~

Tuesday, June 12:
chunks of watermelon, strawberries, bowl of 2 kinds of cereal with almond milk.
salad with small amount of mozzarella and italian dressing. banana. cereal bar.
macaroni and cheese with broccoli "stouffers" tv dinner. entire can of fat free refried beans mixed with shredded lettuce and spinach, mozzarella and cheddar cheese, salsa, hot sauce. served with tortilla chips.

~

Isn't that a TON and WAY TOO MUCH for today? Thank God the day is done and I am so full my stomach hurts. I WILL NOT puke, not going there.

I need discipline and will power and strength to overcome these past few days.
I will do anything to lose this stomach fat.
I've probably put on 5 pounds since Friday and I WILL lose it! And then some!

Being thin is everything in this superficial world

On second thought, I need to get the fuck out. Living here is making me crazy. My brother's girlfriend is over all the time, sleeping over, etc. They cook together. She's nice, but it's all too "in my face", reminding me that I'm so pathetically, desperately, single.

Also, my Dad is an asshole depending on his mood. Today, he talked down to me and laughed with contempt in front of the lovebirds. I had just woken up, didn't even have a sip of coffee at that point. Which was probably good, because had I been more awake, I would have snapped back - leading to an altercation. Glad you're feeling better Dad, but don't be a dick.

And my Mom? Well...she's a lunatic. She has her moments when she's nice. Mostly she's impossible to talk to and it's nauseating to watch her "baby" and enable my brother.

I need to get out. Fuck the music festival. Fuck going to see my sis. I need to move the fuck out as soon as possible. It's what I really want. I don't need to be totally selfish this summer, I just need to practice preservation of the self. That involves me doing what's best for everyone. Once I move out my family will maybe find some peace. I'm 25. It's time to get on with life. This has been an...interesting year and a half at home since graduating college. It's time to spread my wings.

If only I could FIND a damn apartment! You wouldn't think it'd be so hard, but it is, considering I have a pet. Also, it's just me, and 1 bedrooms seem to be the exception and not the rule. I won't give up though!

I'll never give up.

I'm feeling thinner today. I've been restricting hardcore. My period bloat always freaks me out and throws me off. I must remember that it's water weight on the scale but that doesn't seem to assuage my panic. Being thin is everything in this superficial world. That'd be a decent title for this post. Done!

Peace, people.
Think thin thoughts.
Don't eat dessert...ever.

XO
~Sar

One always has options

There are three things on the horizon that I want to do, but I really don't see them all happening due to money, time, and my lack of vacation hours. There are advantages and cons to all.

1. Move out. I've started looking at apartments. If I do this soon, I will not have the money for...

2. Music festival next month that all my friends are going to. I went last year and had a blast! My ex will be there though.

3. Visit my sister and nephew down South. It's always fun to travel, and I miss them like crazy.

Choices, choices. #FirstWorldProblems, I know. I just want to be smart about spending. My gut tells me to stay living at home for the summer, so I can more freely buy a concert/weekend camping ticket and a plane ticket.

And then what though? Make the big move out this Fall...would that be my best option? Can I really last living at the place where even my shrink thinks is "psychologically damaging"? I'm repressed and inhibited, but I'm able to live comfortably, spending on what I may, not paying utilities, etc. Maybe I'll just sit back and relax/vacation the next few months...

Sounds like a plan.

____

Current weight: 135. Disgusting. I'm so fat. Trying like hell to starve myself back to 130, my ideal weight.

Think thin, think smart...

~Sar