Since when I am the responsible one?
There's nothing for me here.
It might be time to move..

It's so embarrassing to need someone like I need you

I'm free at last. Tonight was it, no more work. I was super emotional but my attempts at composure surely were noticed.

I'll miss most of them, some of my coworkers were absolutely wonderful. Especially one, a married man, who I'm reluctantly realizing that I had a total emotional affair with.

Christ. What is wrong with me? Over the past year he became my confidant, my buddy. The weird thing is that I was never attracted to his outside appearance. It just felt like we had so much in common, and we both love music, and dig the Flaming Lips, and his wife is a vegetarian so we talk tofurkey, blah blah, etc, etc. I never mentioned him on here, because it really was only a work thing, not sexual in any way.

Saying goodbye to him was an entire day's process. He sat by me and made conversation for hours, resulting in him admitting that he'd miss me. It was awkward, but special in a way. I consider him a coworker turned great friend. I'm just surprised with myself, I guess. I've felt like giving him my email address or something, but I didn't. Of course not. He's married and that's that.

Because I've been down that road. It's not pretty. It leaves ugly scars and forever affects your relationships with everyone. 

In other news, after work, I met up with E. That was...interesting. And that's all I'll say in case he finds this. I told him about it, haha. But the likelihood of him finding it is slim. So let's just say that I want to see him again, even though we live in "different counties".

But distance is distance, and I've been keeping it. From everyone. I've also been argumentative and petty. Tonight I got in two "fights" with two of my closest friends, at different times, regarding completely different circumstances. It was awful.

I'm...awful.

***

~S

Picking up the pieces of my most recent impulse

I have three days at work left. I called in "sick" yesterday and spent the day poolside, drinking wine with a close friend. I'll go back today with my head held high. I believe that my coworkers are thinking less of me by the day, which is actually just fine. They can think what they want, I refuse to live my life based on fears of how others perceive me. 

I have not yet found another job but I will. I feel like quitting is helping me lose weight. It's now becoming apparent that I was stress-eating/binging after work because of a deep unhappiness, perhaps at a subconscious level, which could explain why it took 14 months of working in manufacturing hell for me to realize. 

The hunger at night is just not there. I'm focusing on the next three days and then freedom is mine to relish. I can almost taste it, if only one could taste the intangible. If only one had working taste-buds. Smoking kills.

On a lighter note...

Do you like of Montreal? I've had "Hissing Fauna, Are You The Destroyer?" on repeat lately. I'd love to see them live. 

My brain senses it's time to shower and get ready for work. Three days, God help me, let me make it. I've had my coffee and breakfast, it's time. You can do this. So can you. You can also be as thin as the women in these pictures. So can I.

It just takes discipline and desire. In that order. Peaceful thoughts, positive vibes. Love and lust. Te Amo. Merci beaucoup. You're welcome.

XO

Sar

*

*

have I lost it?

I can finally feel the weight lifting

Well I quit my job and there's no looking back. I've been wanting to do this for a long time and the least I could do was give them (just about) two weeks notice. My last day is next Friday and I really can't WAIT to be done with that place forever.

I'm moving on and up. I have faith in myself. I can get a better job. I will.

My vacation went by too fast but it was wonderful and just what I needed. I'm really starting to believe everything happens for a reason. There's just something about getting out of dodge for awhile that shows a person what the hell else is out there. Lots.

I want more and I'm going to get it.

I'm down three pounds and trying to keep decreasing my weight. I hooked up with E. the other night. Hopefully there's more where that came from.

Time to drag myself to work. Eight more workdays. Can I make it without calling in sick? Hope so, because I'm going to want these last paychecks in their entirety.

Thanks for your comments on that last post. Life is too damn short to rot in some meaningless job. Peace, Loves.

XO
Sar

Input needed

Is it ever ok to quit your job without another lined up?

I've been feeling so huge, so I pulled out the tape measure. I've actually lost inches. Around my hips and waist. WTF? I guess I'm not complaining - I'm just confused. How is it possible to feel like you've gained, to have the scale reflect these changes, only to see that inches are melting away?

I have no idea if I'm fat or not, and it's stressing me out. After my shower I'm going to measure again, everything, just to be sure.

***

I'm leaving on a jet plane tomorrow, I can't wait to get away for a bit.

Days of late

Sunday evening. It rained on and off today, I've shifted from one spot in the house to the other, usually sitting. My bed covers are half done in the wash. I am showered and fed. I am stoned. I am probably going to blow some bucks at Target shortly. I'd like some more clothes, new pillows, and I'll take a look at the totes.

Last night was fun and very relaxing. I just chilled with my bestie. We were planning to attend an outdoor concert but it got rained out. So we went to the casino for a few drinks and to try our luck with the slots. I lost $10 and promptly cut myself off. We ended up at the grocery store and drunkenly walked the aisles looking for munchies. We were talking to a cop. We went back to her house and smoked some pot, played Wii, sat out in the gazebo and talked and drank for hours...it was splendid.

Except for the sheer amount of calories I consumed. I feel fat and disgusting today. It didn't help at all that we ate so late. I did not properly digest before hitting the couch to pass out.

I love that her and I were able to catch up. We I needed it.
I guess I'm not feeling very expressive. I am talked out.

Here's to a successful restriction from here on out.

***

XO
Sar

My bones aren't lying, I'm not fat, I just feel fat. Feeling fat fucking sucks. But it could definitely be worse.