Some answers

  Did you see Stick Thin's post, nominating me for the "Liebster Award". Thanks doll, I like awards. Without further ado, here are her questions and my answers:

Favorite TV show: Mad Men.

Childhood secret: Used to spy on my family, ie. listened in phone calls, sat outside my older sister's door when she had friends over.

What kind of make up do you wear? Physicians Formula cover up and blush, Great Lash mascara, black or brown eyeliner, chapstick/lipstick.

Have you ever colored your hair? Many, many times.

What countries have you visited? U.S. (where I live) and Canada.

What is your dream job? Editor.

How long have you been blogging? A long time, since early 2008.

Do you have a pet? If you could what would it be? Yes, one cat - Merlin.

Whats your guilty pleasure food? Ugh food question...it's pizza, of course. Specifically plain cheese or veggie toppings.

What is your favorite workout? Dancing.

Are you in a relationship? Nope, and I like it that way..

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Well that was fun. In other news, it is Wednesday, almost 3PM, and I'm just waking up, just drinking my coffee...I feel lazy as shit. I feel unmotivated. I don't work until Saturday unless they call me in so I am being a huge bum. 

Last night I spent a long while reading some of my old posts from 2008-2009. God, was I depressed. I don't know how I made it through college. I was definitely trying to kill myself, slowly, from the inside out. Or maybe from the outside in.

But that is history, MY history. It is not perfect, or beautiful...and neither am I. Thankfully I persevered, and I'm damn glad about it. I accomplished my degree and I should feel proud of myself for not giving up when I so clearly wanted to. I told my mom yesterday that I'm sick of being so hard on myself.

Am I though? Someone needs to be, if not me. I've been talking to my ex-boyfriend B. He is so honest with me, he knows me, he knew me way back in the day, the depressed day. He didn't give up on me when I was acting like a fucking train wreck, and because of that, we are friends, four years later. We just get together and smoke sometimes, and text and talk.

Also, we might start sleeping together. I know. But do you guys know how long it's been? A LONG FUCKING TIME. Speaking of which, I finally got my period. Yay/groan.

And speaking of ex-boyfriends, remember that post last week when I said I'd be seeing three of them in one night? Well...it went ok. T. and I said hello and then he basically ignored me because his girl was there. 

You should have saw me that night, you guys...I looked awesome. Seriously a cute outfit and my hair was behaving. T.'s girlfriend was apparently "threatened" by my good looks and "our history" so she screamed some obscenities at me as I left. Awkward. 

Other than that, the night was uneventful. J. was being his usual dopey self, but he did buy me a drink. I spent most of the night dancing, on stage and off, and playing limbo with the band. Good times. 

Seeing T. was actually kind of painful. Especially because his girlfriend is so damn insecure. They've been dating since we broke up, over two years (!), you would think she'd be cool with him saying hello to an old college "friend". But no. Needless to say I've felt a little bad about the whole situation but not really... 

He did text me later apologizing for her behavior but I feel very removed from it all. That night slammed the door between T. and I closed for good. Next time they get in a fight and he sexts me I will just delete it right away. He is honestly pathetic and it feels good to be over it all.

This is getting to be a very long post. I should stop here. But I am so fucking caffeinated, can you tell? I am all over the place. This is why I should update regularly, so it doesn't all come out in a flurry.

Things to do today: clean the litter, laundry, buy some stuff from the drugstore, take back cans and bottles, get gas, get an oil change...an ambitious list. I'll be happy to do at least half of it.

Thanks as always for reading. This blog is truly the best most honest outlet I have. I'm thinking a fast for the rest of the day. I'm sick of eating. It's so disgusting. My Lose it app is very eye-opening. I haven't weighed myself in a few days but I will as soon as my period ends. Here's hoping I'm down another pound or three. Also, coffee empties me out like nothing else, I'm sorry but it had to be said. Think thin. Peace,

XO ~ Sar

I've come so far, in therapy at least...and yet I'm still so goddamn fucked in the motherfucking head. FTW.

*~Happy thanksgiving all! Let's try not to overdo it today, k? Think thin and say no to second helpings! Peace and love!~*

Hello hipbone

Down a pound! Yay! What a great way to start my day.

Who's going out tonight? I am, with a big group of friends including J. We are going to a local bar/restaurant where another ex of mine works, B. There will be three bands performing, one of which has my guitar-playing ex-bf T. from college (any longtime readers remember him?). You read that right, three of my ex-boyfriends, all in one night, all in one building. Damn, I get around.

;)

Wish me luck, haha. Think thin!

Xo

~S.

EDIT:
Don't you love being thin enough to wear midriff-baring crop tops? I feel so sexy and "on trend" with my pink top and jeans right now. Just had to share.

I'm approaching my mission to thin with renewed vigor. I downloaded the Lose it app to my Android phone (didn't realize they made Lose it Android-compatible, last time I had it was on my lost-in-the-fire  iTouch). I have it set up for me to lose a pound a week. I'm ready to lose ten pounds in two months (or less). I can do this.

Work went well tonight. I will be working with some thinspo-riffic girls (and guys!) and I won't be sitting on my ass, that's for sure. I'll be running around the store and lifting and burning calories, woo! The worst part is that it's only part-time and I really like a regular routine. Looks like my hours and shifts will vary but I'll figure it out.

Think thin.

ClusterfucC

Trying not to hate myself is a full-time job. Luckily tomorrow I start work part-time (retail), so in theory I'll be too busy for self-loathing. Why such hate, you might ask? Well to put it bluntly I binged this weekend. Big time. And I'm not happy about it.

I was doing pretty great and actively restricting but my situation started bringing me down. Embarrassingly enough, it was after looking at trendy winter clothing in the advertisements and realizing I have no income and shouldn't/couldn't shop that set me off in tears. Then, even though the LAST thing I should be spending money on is food I bought a bunch of fucking food. And ate it.

And then what do you know? Job offer comes through. And I'm left with a food baby.

Also my ex J. has been contacting me again...and we hung out last week. He invited me to dinner tonight but I declined. He was dating someone for about a month, but they broke up. She dumped him, apparently. Probably because he wasn't over me, that's according to him.

I don't even care. Their breakup is not my concern. He is someone that has taken me this entire year on a wild up and down relationship ride and it was such a fucking bitch to get over. I was FINALLY moving on, dating C., not caring...and here we are, back to square one.

Things between us are seemingly in my hands right now and who am I kidding? I'm thrilled. Just...stressed. And very high. I know that a serious boyfriend would be tough to handle, only because I'm barely handling myself, but nothing is impossible. Baby steps.

Nothing is certain, there are no guarantees. I'm going to occupy myself with my little part-time job and just keep moving forward. Also, I need to stop eating so much.

Want to know what's funny? Seeing J. the other day made me want to eat. I really think that's what happened. Being around him makes me sense my slim physique in a way that I cannot when I'm alone. He is just a taller, broader dude and I feel so perfectly fit next to him.

So in my mind after we hung out I was feeling like it would be alright to eat...a BIG fucking mistake. Because here I am, feeling not fat but not thin. Complaining about a binge on my blog.

What's the point in any of this?

xo, Sar

*EDIT*

I do feel bad that J. and that girl broke up. I honestly do. I know that we didn't cheat but we did text while they were dating. I saw them together a few times (me and J. share a group of friends) and always did my best to ignore J. completely and stay far away from them both, with a reserved polite tone for when I actually had to say hello to her. I know that before they started dating J. and I were hooking up and talking still. I know that he wasn't honest with her about that. So I suppose they were "doomed from the start". I don't know. Just wanted to edit this post to say that I do feel bad and wish them both the best. If things get serious again with J. and I it will only be because love and relationships are more complex than any of us care to admit, and sometimes shit happens. Sometimes life happens. I can rest easy knowing that my love life is up to fate.

*ANOTHER EDIT*

I haven't gotten a period in seven weeks. Going on eight. What. The. Fuck.
No, I'm not preggers...you have to have sex for that to happen. I'm just wondering where it is? Could it be stress? Anyone have a clue?

06/01/10

"It's just that the lonesomeness started rising. Up and up until I'm reaching for food. It surrounds me, it glows puke green and my eyes glaze and the haze all over makes it easier to hide my grazing, for I am truly a cow in a pasture, feasting on filth before the butcher."

No taste

The ONLY good thing about being sick this entire week and basically chained to my bed is that I've had literally no appetite and food does not taste good. Food tastes bad and I just want to lose a few more pounds. Why is losing weight becoming so important to me again? Probably because I stop and admire my naked body before I put clothes on after the shower. Because restriction works and then I want to keep doing it. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Or something.

Yay Obama!!! Something to smile about :-)

Sick and I Quit

It's Monday, after such a fun weekend full of partying, and I'm sick as a dog and no call-no showed at work. I can feel my parent's disappointment in me but I have to do what's right. We all have different ideas of right and wrong and something was telling me to leave my job before I got in too deep. Since I only worked there for a week I will not bother listing it on my resume. I am not too ashamed but it feels lame to be back at square one. After all that. Who knows what's going to happen next.

I haven't heard from C. in a few days, he told me he is currently facing a bout of depression. I've been there, I know the lows. It sucks but I am trying to be understanding. My ex J. just added me again on facebook. We were all hanging out on sat. and apparently his new little relationship isn't going well. I had a feeling he might come crawling back and according to him, he "really likes" me still. I have heard that before but we will see.

I'm not jumping into anything just yet. I need to nurse myself back to good health and ace this interview on wed. I can do it. I will not be brought down. I will follow my intuition. I need some hot tea. My stomach is gloriously empty...liquids only for the day.

XO
Sickly Sar

That wonderful feeling when your thin friends bring up weight and you smile inside after they share theirs, knowing for certain now that you weigh less.

I can hear the wind when I look out my closed window watching the trees tremble

Starting a post right now is like the beginning of a phone conversation with a guy you've never talked to on the phone before. How are you? I'm good, what's up? Nothing much, just hanging out...what are you up to? Getting ready to go out to the club and dance on stage with the band. (True story - last night kicked ass!).

It's the weekend! I started working full-time this week and I will say that I like it but waking up at 5:30AM when it's dark and early sucks donkey dick. Two days in I was ready to quit.

I came home and tearfully talked to my mom about why I wanted to quit. Basically I was sent home early my first two days there due to ratios. Since the pay is so low and it's a half hour drive I thought it might not be worth my while, especially since I had a missed call and voicemail from another place calling for an interview. Fate? Needless to say I finished the week and will go back on Monday. I will keep this job until I get hired elsewhere. I had a nice talk with friends about it and found some insight.

Last night was pretty epic. I was with my bestie, we went out and got wild! Lots of dancing and singing along with the band and getting invited to dance on the stage! We saw some old friends too, it was a fun way to end a long, exhausting week. I slept for a solid eight hours and just had a drink of orange juice and a banana.

I am very full. Last night I came home a little buzzed (I was the "Dd" so I had four drinks spaced out over four hours. And we smoked). I had some snacks: a handful of pumpkin seeds, a small slice of pizza with bleu cheese dressing for dipping,  a mini milky way, and randomly, a bit of white rice. Wow, that sounds pretty gross. I hate binging at night regardless of the reason. Drinking and smoking makes me eat. Too much.

So today I'll just take it easy. On the food and on myself. I have a lot on my mind and I need some me time. I don't know what I'm going to do or what's going to happen. I hope the weekend brings goodness and peace.

XO
Sar