Working with others like me

Happy Saturday!

I went to the gym the other night with J. and had a pretty great workout...basketball and the elliptical. I'm really enjoying this working out thing. It makes me feel damn good. I suppose there is some truth to what my mom has been telling me over the years...exercise DOES help...keep you thin.

All of my pants are so baggy. I need to find a good, reasonably priced tailor, I actually have soo much to get done today, but procrastinating for now. Not 100% surprising. I'm sitting here with my coffee and my list, and it's almost 1PM. Time to get moving Sar! But first, a little blogging...

Work is going well, I am finally "done" training and on my own at my desk! There is a lot to remember and I am really trying to do it right. I want my efforts to be noticed. I want to make more money and get ahead and the only way to do that is to step it up!!

My coworkers are cool, as I've mentioned before it is eating disorder central up in there. Two of the women are so beautifully thin, definitely thinner than me. They wear their tiny, fitted clothes. In comparison, with my height and baggy pants and sweaters, I feel like a giant fat ass. Almost every woman there talks about diets, food, and exercise on a daily basis.

'I contribute to the conversations now and have begun eating lunch at my desk, like everyone else, with a mini snack: a hemp seed granola bar and an apple. Water (duh) and coffee.

Needless to say I go to sleep hungry a lot more, and have been losing weight. To keep up with them, also to fulfill my personal agenda, which leads to a shrinking Sar.

J. and I are officially back together. Things are going very well. He is having a little party tonight, I'm pretty excited! Working out and spending time together has been awesome.

All in all, I cannot really complain. I do hate living at home with my crazy parents but I know in my gut that I will be out soon. PATIENCE SAR!!!

It won't kill me to save money for a few more weeks. Moving out weekend will be here before I know it. I can do it, I can make it happen...I just know it! First things first, FIND an apartment. Guess I'll add it to the list...

;)

Peace!
XO
~S

Energy

I've been on a weight loss kick! It feels great to lift my shirt everyday and see all of my rib bones and hips and my (surprisingly) flat belly. It feels empowering to wear loose clothes...ok that is a lie. I prefer fitted things so I must invest in a tailor! But you know what I mean!

Work is going well and keeping me VERY busy. The people I work with are very nice which helps a lot! I've been hanging with my friends every weekend and seeing J. several times a week. I'm getting used to waking up early. It is currently Sunday at 8AM and I have no reason to be up but I am! Wide awake!

I have to get up at 6AM m-f for work which means I need to get to sleep at a decent time...which means NO MORE NIGHT TIME BINGING! wOo!

That is exactly why I'm dropping the pounds, combined with restriction and all of the hours at the gym I've been clocking in recent weeks. It's J. and I's new thing...we work out together! Endorphins, baby!

The only dark cloud on the horizon is, of course, living at home with my crazy family. I am getting veryyy serious about moving out on my own and am striving for patience. I need to be smart about this. I know exactly what I'm looking for but just have to find it! I am thinking March 1 is a good day to move, let's see if I can make it happen!

Peace, happy Sunday.

XO
Sar

Dinner

J. cooked me dinner last night, lasagna. With bread and salad. It was delicious but it was the most I have ate in one sitting in quite awhile. I haven't binged at all lately, which is great, but eating that much last night is making me feel tubby this morning.

Wasn't that sweet of him?

Maybe I'll stop punishing myself for now and just go to work. Peace people!

I will survive

These tears keep trailing down my cheeks like Lewis and Clark blazing through overgrown meadows and rocky precipices all those years ago.

I have been an emotional wreck for days. This house is GODDAMN TOXIC.

I know what I have to do but I'm scared and lack patience. I need to collect some more paychecks and Move.The.Fuck.Out.

I literally cannot wait until my therapist appointment this week. I called him at 7:55AM, begging to be squeezed in sooner. I am going Thursday, I need to vent about my Mother. Fucking cunt.

I don't like this! I don't like hating her! But her behavior the past couple weeks has been UNACCEPTABLE! She is acting SO distant, completely unsupportive and uninterested in me and my life and my new job. She is spacing out and it's not like her, and yet she's fine around my dad and brother? Which (naturally) leads me to believe it's ME. Which leads me to believe that this subtle emotional manipulation has been happening my entire LIFE.

I am freaking out and angry, torn and crying...racing heart, tense shoulders, pain behind my eyes...it's heartbreak. Pure and simple. My dad, OF ALL PEOPLE, has seemed nice and angelic in comparison...which is UNREAL.

The only answer is to start packing my shit up in boxes. The only answer is to find an apartment and move the hell out, no matter how much I struggle, no matter how broke I am.

I don't need to eat. I don't need cable. I can survive.

**Ok too weird, "Survivor" just came on Pandora.**

Coincidence? I think not.

Look, all I want is for her to apologize and start acting normal again! Is that too much? Am I fucking delusional?

Mornings

Counting down the minutes until I can leave this mad house. My anger and annoyance with my parents and younger brother have reached a boiling point. I wake at 6AM, enraged and ready to rip their stupid faces off.

It's early Monday and my mood is nasty. Thank God I have J. and my future apartment to daydream about. Thank God work will keep me busy.

Oh, and I did two lines of blow this past weekend while I was out. It's possible this is contributing to the hatred emanating from my every cell.

I'm down five pounds from when I first started tracking in my phone app. It feels good, I look thin.


*Trying not to lose it*
XO
Sar

ED

In other news, it's eating disorder central at my new work place. I'm going to get so thin being around these girls.

This love

The weekend is always sweeter when you work hard during the days leading up to it. I can honestly say that my new job is off to a good start. I have my own desk, phone, computer, printer...it feels important, which is wonderful for my self esteem. A job is really only a means to an end. This job will allow me to make money, an imperative step in my goals.

I've lost 3 pounds in just over a month, thanks to my discipline and calorie counting in Lose it. I'm currently happy with my body. As we all know this changes on a daily basis, but for now I'm ok with it. There is absolutely always room for improvement though.

J. stopped over last night. We lay on my bed on top of the covers and talked, heads close, staring into each other's eyes. I think I love him. He's been acting sweet and more considerate lately. I have to keep staying strong and going slow, taking things with us a day at a time. We can't mess this up again, we need each other.

My throat is feeling a little dry and scratchy, the lack of sleep this week has caught up to me. I am doing my best to rest but I was out with friends last night and probably again tonight. Note to self: ease up on the ciggies, they burn my throat.

I hope to see J. again tonight, there is a chance we will all end up together at our friend's house later. Until then, I'll be with the girls watching old party videos and drinking wine (and limiting my snacking), and he will be with the boys, out. My heart flutters under my skin, my breathing quickens.

I'm going to straighten my hair today. I usually wear it naturally (wavy/curly) but feel like changing it up a little. I just started a new novel, called "Stuck in Downward Dog" by Chantel Simmons. It's pretty good and easy to relate to, a must for me lately.

Thanks for the guitar tips comment, Aye Ell! Think thin, all!

Peace, and until next time...
XO
Sar

First Day

New Year, New Me!

It's currently 7AM and I'm dressed, drinking coffee, and eating two potato pancakes for breakfast. I'll leave for my new job in about 40 minutes. I'm nervous as fuck but also excited! I like new things, I enjoy a challenge...I will EXCEL!

New Years Eve was a really fun night! No midnight kiss for me but celebrating with my closet friends was pretty great! The bands sounded amazing, the champagne was flowing, and I looked super sexy and slim, so you know I was feeling confident!

As for J...we don't know where we stand necessarily, but it felt good to let him know I still care. I know he does too! We shall see what happens, but I am feeling positive that this year will be lucky! The possibilities are literally endless!!

Wish me luck, I've had a lot of first days lately but I think this one will work out! It's a hefty commute (30 minutes - maybe more, in traffic) so I'll end this now to finish getting ready, lots of love to you!

XO
Sar