Drunk, just puked. I hear a ringing in my ear and pink floyd over pandora. Fuck.

You've crossed my mind today a time or two

Well the concert was absolutely freaking amazing. And last night C. and I went out and hooked up. Today I am numbing myself because I'm just feeling so much. so much. It's scary to want, it's scary to need. The memories I've made in the past two nights ignite my spirit in such a way that I could burst...with happiness? How foreign.

Last night was so hot. I am so into C. now, it's been a slow build up - four long years of no fucking just flirtation. And friendship.

But now...we are getting somewhere. We even held hands. I can envision my ass getting laid soon. I haven't got any since J. and we've been broken up since April.

I'm super high and jamming to music. Back to work tomorrow. Back to restriction, I feel that I've ate too much this weekend. PeAce PeopLe.

xOx

On the road/WIA

Hey there, I'm writing to you from a hotel room. I drove my ass to the capital city today four and a half hours away alone and it was easy! I am going to a concert tonight and I am SO excited. Omg. The unfortunate part is that it's another hour drive away. I chose this place as my stopping point. I love staying in hotels! I plan to take a swim in the morning and explore the city a little before heading back home!

I have to leave soon for the show...I have never gone to a concert alone before! I am a little nervous but hey, I've made it this far! I just know once I'm sitting in that theater and he is up there doing his thing I will truly be at peace.

WIA Today: Kind of a lot. For breakfast I had one slice of whole wheat bread folded in half with a small amount of cut up avocado and a sprinkle of oregano, garlic powder and black pepper. Also, some coffee with creamer. For lunch I had a sandwich that consisted of two slices of whole wheat bread with yellow mustard, a slice of american cheese, some cut up avocado, tomato and lettuce. Also, a banana, a few peanut m&ms and peanut butter crackers. When I got to the hotel I had another (identical) sandwich and some licorice for dinner. Calories total for the day: 1200 or less, the way to be!

That's it for the rest of the day, maybe a glass of wine at the concert. Looking back, it's not terrible...whole grains, protein, veggies. It seems like a lot of bread because it is a lot of bread. Five (80 calories per slice) slices in one day? I just haven't had much to eat the past few days and I think when I restrict I crave carbs. Well I haven't overdone it yet and I'm proud of myself, so whatever.

I'm here to have a good time! See you on the flip side! It's time to get ready!! 

Bon Voyage!

XO

S.

What it all means

Sunday night. It is getting late and I feel the hunger cues kick in. A pang in my stomach, almost a nausea. A headache. That weak feeling. I stand in the kitchen and stare at my microwave. I look over to my cupboard, the one that hold pantry items. I seriously consider making something to eat. But I don't. I don't eat anything. I have water.

I just took a walk (2.5 miles) with my neighbor/best friend/love interest C. I've mentioned him in this blog before, we met almost 4 years ago. We hang out a lot and started hooking up and then had a bunch of emotional conversations about what it all means. We walk a lot. Walking burns calories.

I'm still only drinking water because eating sucks and I don't need to do it tonight. I'm going to bed. I can't think straight.

S.

I have internet!

I'm back, bitches.

I coerced my landlord into letting me have wifi access for an extra $10 a month. WOOT!

Where to begin? As you've noticed my posts have been somewhat depressing in the past months, well that's because life has been all sorts of stressful. However, I've been making attempts to fix shit. My student loans are back under control. I'm in the process of settling the claim from the car accident which will equal me getting a check. Work is going well, we are extremely busy so the days basically fly by. I've been losing weight. Sometimes it surprises me how I look.

Don't get me wrong, my reflection in the mirror still taunts me and urges me to keep restricting. The heat helps kill my appetite, as do the cigarettes I've been smoking like they're going out of style. Also the thinspo at work helps curb my cravings.

It's almost sad, isn't it, just how many thin and thinner girls there are out there. We are all feeling the pressure. Society will not stop until we're all weak, invisible, and killing ourselves. I can only feel sorry to a certain extent, as I'm currently caught up in it all. I have been for years.

It just feels good to be thinner than people. You feel their jealous eyes on you. You eat in front of them (only to keep up appearances - and sometimes you don't bother and don't eat) and they watch with eagle vision how you eat, what you eat, if you throw half away, if you say, "damn that was good" with a confident smile. They watch.

I don't want them too, but it happens. Curiosity of the mentally insane is inevitable.

To switch topics blatantly and without warning, yes my dad is sick again and it's upsetting me. The stress and heartache make me not want to eat a damn thing. We are waiting on test results.

Ok now I gotta go. I'm headed homeward to chill with some old friends. Since moving to the city I have not seen them as much. I will be spending the night at my besties. It's going to be good night! (right?) (I hope).

There's always hope. Peace, loves.

XO
Sar

July

To sum up life lately: excessive drinking, smoking, eating, starving. Obsession with men tenfold. Car accident/chiropractic care/rental car/paperwork bullshit. I broke my toe one drunken night and have been hobbling around in excruciating pain like a cripple. Work is so busy it's draining my energy and I resent the job the people the Sar. I resent everything. Pity party. Poor me. It is what it is.

Still working on getting internet but I've been so broke nothing seems within reach (however I always find a couple bucks for alcohol, cigarettes, pot, and junk food). I'm still checking in on your blogs but cannot comment from my phone. I'm at my parents currently...dealing with the student loan nightmare/endless collection phone calls. Oh, and my Dad is sick again. My cat has a weird scab on his cheek. My friends are fading away and there is no love interest in sight. I will be ok, right?

How are you? Anyone out there still? Yesterday I bought a XS dress even though I feel huge. Who the fuck even knows anymore. I feel fat but maybe I'm not as fat as I feel it's just a feeling not reality, if so, what is reality? Am I real? Is this real? Are you real, reading this? I'm hot. Time to eat dinner, I'll choke down a baked potato to make my parent's smile during this tough time. I'll choke myself in my dreams tonight to make up for being so weak.

XO
Sar