Goodbye 2013

Last post of the year. I'm feeling slightly better than yesterday. Still reflective as hell though. I have to be at work in two hours. Yes, I am stuck working New Year's Eve until 2AM. That's the biz, kid. It's interesting that I'll be making money instead of being out spending it. I have fears, of course. You know me. Always scared. My fear is that I will "mess up". Ohh boy. That'll be the end of the world, huh?

I kind of binged last night on m&ms. Feeling bad about it but refuse to give in. It happened, it's over. I'll be running around like crazy tonight so I won't be eating. Just had a salad and chugging coffee. I debated buying a mini bottle and keeping it in my apron but pretty sure that's a terrible idea. It's the idea of an alcoholic! I can wait to drink until I'm out. Unless my boss offers me champagne of something (VERY doubtful) which I would def take.

Well. I slept in today. Forgot I was out of creamer so I ran to the store. The countdown to the craziness is officially on. I haven't even showered yet. I honestly do not know what to expect tonight but if I can be truthful, it's kinda nice not to have to make plans and get people together and wonder about a kiss.

Although...one of the guys I've been talking to just texted me saying, "you should stop by for a pre new years kiss before work". But I told him no. No time. It's flying by.

Alright guys.....thanks so much for following my blog and reading and commenting. I really appreciate it! I know I can be a huge downer but I've got faith and hope in the future! I'm going to be just fine. So are you.

And yes I know I blog about Ednos. Staying thin. Weight. Binges. Purging. Drugs. I know these topics are not comfortable or polite, but they are such a part of my life, and maybe yours. I will defend staying thin until I die because I truly believe it's important to be in shape. It's more healthy.

I realize the boundaries are blurred and the tactics are impure at times. Society is struggling, women and girls everywhere identify with this plight. So it's hard, as a "writer", to know how much to confess, because I don't want to hurt anyone. But sometimes I do want to hurt myself.

It's mental. This is not so much an apology - more like a foot note. I think you understand, though. I love you for it.

Much peace. Have a great and safe New Year. I'll be downtown slinging drinks...but who knows how this night will end up. If you've been reading for awhile you know that my NYE normally tends towards the dramatic. Fingers crossed for much money and good moods all around.

LOVE/PEACE
xo
Sarah

Illusive

I get tired of being so cold. I was laying in my bed late last night, alone, thinking how isolated I've felt. It occurred to me that I've made it this way. I've kept people out, refused to let them in.

Remember all the guys I mentioned in my last post? Well I've somewhat successfully pushed them away, squashed their budding interest, painted a bleak picture of me...and for what? To preserve the self? To maintain icy composure? To allude myself into thinking that I've got control? BECAUSE I DON'T.

Here's what I have: a jaded and bitter personality, a frown, a headache, heartache, and a sense of loss that is encompassing. I am worried about me. I am concerned that it is too late for me. What's next? How do I fix this?

I've been so concerned with appearing aloof, cool, nonchalant, serious, smart, and better than everyone. I fear that I have lost my goofy giddiness. I used to be the girl who smiled all the time. People would say, "you sure smile a lot!". People would smile back.

The bottomline is that I hate myself. Still. After everything - quitting so many jobs for "better" ones, writing until my hands hurt, talking it out with friends, hours and hours in therapy, the beginning of a repaired relationship with my parents, the birth of my nephew and the love that I feel for him, moving out and away from my hometown, ending toxic friendships, getting a cat...I could go on but NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING helps. Seemingly.

Perhaps I am making strides, albeit slow ones. I'm talking SLOW. And this is a huge perhaps.

The one guy I *was* talking to (we hung out four times) told me that I "love to play games" and that I am "too illusive for him to keep up with". That hurt. Is he right? What the hell am I doing??

It's the end of the year and I'm feeling contemplative as usual. What's sad is that if you go back and reread my last posts from Dec. 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, and 2008 (I've been blogging a long time), you'll see no change. Or if there is change it's BRIEF AS FUCK. I've been ending the year on a sad note forever.

Will I be ok? Will I improve? Will I find love? I am 27 years old. This is my golden age! What scares me the most is what if I meet the man of my dreams (and it's possible that I already have) but push him away? I don't want to die alone. I want love. I'm just so scared. Of everything.

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I keep dreaming about schools. I'm considering teaching as a life path. It would be a big decision but I need to keep trying. Never give up. On love or life.

2014 will be a better year.
Maybe it will be *my* year.
And your year.

Thx for reading all this.

Love ya,
XO
~S

Merry Christmas

Good morning and Merry Christmas. I'm sitting here in my apartment sipping coffee and listening to some music while my cat runs around chasing his new toy. I did all of my shopping last night, like a crazy person. It didn't go good but at least I won't show up empty handed.

I've still got to get ready, wrap gifts, stop at the store, and leave for my parent's house in just about an hour.

Too be honest I haven't been looking forward to this holiday but now that it's here I'm just going to try and make the best of it.

I'm going to (secretly) weigh myself at my parent's house today - they have a scale. I'll be curious to see how much weight I've lost.

Stay strong today, you guys. It's just dinner. Cookies are optional. When in doubt, take it to go and toss it.

In a day the madness will be over. I'm working New Year's Eve so the holiday season ends here.
Sending you love and peace. Can you send me some too?

Merry Christmas, loves.
XO
~Sarah

Hey, hey, what do you say?

I've been working my ASS off. Have never worked this much in my life. Also, I've been meeting a lot of men. This weekend alone I have had four guys ask me to hang out. I chose to hang with two of them, one on Friday, one last night. Needless to say, the extra attention makes this gal feel pretty damn good. No sex yet, but I could've easily got laid either night. I'm not willing to let anyone "in" just yet. Be sure to update if that happens, I know you guys like juicy details.

It must be true what they say about how keeping busy/doing "you"/not dwelling on men is the key to attracting several of them at once.

It is worth noting that last night I kissed this guy, we shall call him B. aaaand we work together. I will see him this afternoon. Hopefully it won't be awkward, but I was drinking rum on the rocks at his place and we smoked a blunt so I was feeling bold. I said, "if this continues being cool and you're not a total dick, maybe we can hook up at work, a fantasy of mine"...

Did I really say that last night? Yes, yes I did. Oh Sar.

I've got to hop in the shower and chug this coffee. Working a double today. Again tomorrow. And then it's Christmas. Still have to shop for my family. I will be a Christmas Eve shopper this year (again). Oh well, could be worse. #FirstWorldProblems.

Love ya'll.

XO
Sar

Back on track

Good morning.

Last time I checked in with you I was feeling FAT but I did great on thanksgiving! Lots of delicious salad filled my plate. No potatoes, turkey, stuffing, or gravy. (LOVE being a vegetarian). I even woke up the next day feeling quite thin!! But then my debit card was hacked so I was super sad and scared and proceeded to binge my weekend away. =(

Luckily, working two jobs and being broke equals me going down a size in a week. I'm not quite where I want to be, but I'm hell of a lot closer than I was.

The jobs are going alright. I'm fighting off sickness. Still haven't paid rent but I was actually in another car accident so I should be getting some money. That will help. I've been stressed. I've had zero appetite. Just so tired.

2013 is almost over. Crazy. Stay strong people, and keep your eyes on the prize! I'm thinking thin today, how about you?

ps I've fallen back in love with Lose It on my smart phone. It REALLY helps me see what I'm eating and it breaks down your day to show you the percentage of fat and carb grams. This is essential for weight loss. Prior to taking control back, my fat percentage was a tad...up. Now I'm keeping it low.

I can't wait to finally have spending money again. I'm buying a scale for sure.