Shades of cool

The last day of June, oh man oh my! I'll start by saying that I had an incredible weekend. Truly good. I love when that happens. Good things both nights.

Jake and I had a great time Saturday night. We took a cab down to this art installation/festival by the water. It was soo hot out and he made us both a cold icy mixed drink for the ride down. He is friends with the cab driver.

We pretty much immediately "cleared the air". I mentioned to you guys that it was most likely over with him because of thoughts I'd been having. He told me that he thought I never wanted to see him again and the day I texted him to take a walk he was en route to his parent's house a couple hours away. He seemed sincere.

Of course it was difficult for me to open up and be honest but I really needed to try. I told him the best version of the truth that I could come up with on the spot. What is the truth, you ask? Well...I assumed in my head that he wasn't interested because he wasn't meeting my stretched out expectations. There was a few awkward text exchanges that contributed to my assumption.

How do you tell a guy that you have expectations he can never meet?

You don't, and you can't, so you lie.

I blamed myself. I told him I was just confused and sometimes I get mad easily but I don't hold a grudge. There is absolutely truth to that but I believe at this point it's best for me to hold back a little.

So the night continued. We explored, danced, talked. He kept trying to touch me lightly on my arm or lower back but I stayed a little aloof, never letting him linger. Afterward we walked to a bar and had a beer. It was still so hot so we drank it fast out on the patio we had to ourselves. When people came out we left. We walked in the general direction of our houses even though they were miles away. We made it downtown and all the while everything had an adventurous feel to it.

We hit up another bar (we agreed that we felt sober from all the walking lol) and grabbed a cab a few blocks more. He bought us slices of pizza (plain cheese for me) and we walked about a half mile to his porch where we sat on rocking chairs and ate and talked some more.

He walked me to my door and we started kissing. It felt different then before but I would still describe it as passionate. It felt more intimate, with our foreheads grazing each other. Of course it turned super hot and I could've fucked him then and there. But I didn't. It was nearly 5AM and I went inside.

A fantastic night with the added bonus of exercise.

I do like him, you guys. It's scary to even admit it. Because when you admit it, it's there, it's not hidden anymore. The pursuit of love is a risk.

Seriously though, he's a great guy. He's interesting to talk to, generous, funny, attractive, patient, and so easygoing. I feel that we complement each other. I feel that we have been talking for over a month and I want this to keep going. This is where I remind myself not to freak out.

*deep breath*

I will focus on finding a job and not giving into the enticingly evil and eventual expectations that may creep up.

It's the last day of the month and I still haven't paid rent. I have a check that I will deposit and then there will be just enough. Work tonight. Must find another job. Keep your fingers crossed.

Love,
Sar