Friday night

I am really emotional today. I cried in the bathroom at work after listening to Lady Antebellum's "What if I never get over you?" too many times and having a big old pity party for myself. Loneliness is especially terrible during the holidays. Seemingly, everyone is excited and decorating and buying gifts and baking cookies and getting together with friends and family and planning a nice holiday for the kids or curling up on a couch with a significant other, on a cold night, with a fire roaring perhaps, and glasses of whiskey.

I want that. I want love and to be loved. It is what I have wished for and wanted forever. Every year, on my birthday, I would blow out candles and wish for love. Just, love. Any love. Someone please fucking love me. I don't want to die alone. And last night I did. Last night I had a horribly real dream that I was going to die. It was determined, I was aware of it and thinking thoughts about it. I was worried about how my apartment would be left behind, and felt this remarkable loss over all that I could no longer do or never get to do. It was terrifying. All day I've been in a funk.

Tomorrow is my work holiday party. I ordered a dress online, size small, and it was snugger and lower cut than I would've preferred so it's going back. I have two other options but they are both old as fuck and I want a new dress but really shouldn't spend any extra money. I am living paycheck to paycheck but should be able to save in the new year. Made a few risky but reasonable changes with my deductions to create more take home pay, effective January 1. Also, word on the street is that a Christmas bonus is to be expected.

I have shit to do and all I wanna do is lay here in my pajamas and get fucked up and cry and listen to music and introvert to my heart's delight. But this apartment isn't going to clean itself. Plus I have to take care of my cat's litter and decide on an outfit.

Just needed to vent briefly.

The end of summer

Saturday evening. I am home alone on the couch, drinking wine and smoking. Across the room sits my cat on the table, looking content. Listening to "Little Wing" as performed by Tedeschi Trucks and Trey Anastasio at Lock'n.

I'm in my new place. Can I still consider it new after 2 months? Still feels new. All my stuff is here, but sometimes I can't find what I need. I am still configuring the setup. I have moved heavy bookshelves and my bed countless times. Trying to find a flow that works for me.

Had a cold last week, got better, and today woke up feeling like shit again. Low energy, sore throat. It's been a crazy summer. Today is the last day of August. Exactly one year ago was the first time me and J. slept together. But that's old news. A lot has happened since then.

I've been splurging on clothes and blowing off responsibilities. My birthday is in a couple days. 33. No plans for the day, just work. Might leave 2 hours early but won't bother unless I come up with something to do. No sense using the PTO to sit in the house.

I've been walking to work now that I live close enough, but have not lost weight. In fact, I seem to be gaining, which is maddening. But I can't tell. I see both thin and fat. I look at myself naked in a full length mirror daily and mostly think I look pretty damn good. And yet sometimes I feel my stomach and it feels so fat, or I look down at my stomach, and see it grossly protruding. Either way, I need to start restricting again.

Don't have much else to say right now, just wanted to check in. Summer flew. It had some good moments. Looking forward to Fall, if for no other reason that it's an actual change that can be physically felt. There is no question about it. The warmth fades and a chill sets in. I am not sure of much, but of this I am positive: the cold is coming.

Good night, all. I hope September is good to us.

5 days

Today was busy af and I'm exhausted! I keep getting pulled back to this blog though. I have been reading a lot of past entries and reflecting. Perhaps I needed to. I have been through so much. It's ok to recognize it and remember. It's ok to ruminate a bit, notice patterns and mistakes and dare I say... moments of insight. It's not ok to dwell or get mad about old fights. It's not ok to beat myself up for choices I made years ago. Deal with it and move on.

It should be noted that D. is still on the outskirts of my life. We've been broken up a couple years and had a solid year without speaking and then tried to be friends and would end fighting and tried again with the same outcome. It is now a situation where I have his number blocked and allow him to keep in contact with me via insta. I don't mind light contact with him but the attraction is completely gone. He is a funny dude and we have history but I don't love him anymore. Not sure I ever did, though it definitely felt like it at the time. I don't hate getting funny memes or bumping into him at shows though. A "happy ending" in any way shape or form for us involved a ton of effort, work, forgiveness, and strength. I don't think either of us are completely there yet, but it does appear that we are working towards it, individually. Time will tell.

I've been in this apartment over 4 years. I'd like to move at some point, probably back to the city or finally out of state. Every day my mind changes. Work is going well enough where I don't feel the urge to flee but we have other locations, should the desire strongly arise. A transfer is possible.

For now, I am at home with my cat and my plants. I have gotten into keeping plants in the window. I enjoy taking care of them. Which reminds me, I need potting soil! Keep forgetting. It's Spring, time to repot!

My trip is around the corner. I can't wait to get away from it all a bit, and get tan, and relax beachside. Should hopefully be a highlight of this year. I went last year too, in April. It was a beautiful time.

Ta ta for now!
xo, Sar

I'm looking through..

and it all could be so crystal clear, if it wasn't for the foam, but the foam keeps getting thicker, and it just keeps getting harder, and I'm falling into a deep well.

I don't want to live like this..

but I don't want to die.

VW "Harmony Hall" great song!

4/26/19 - I am working full time, saving money, about to take a vacation to Florida, my favorite place in the world. Do you love the beach as much as I do? It's so beautiful and big, being near it helps me understand the big picture. So much has happened. I'm still here, still truckin'. Nothing is perfect, and my mood varies, but with age comes a tad bit of wisdom. It's pretty incredible to pick a random year of this blog and see the patterns: alcohol, men, sex, trouble. Still trying to break the cycle. Succeeding, sometimes. Other times there is a lesson. What made me look back today is M. (2014 is when I posted about him last) and he is still in my life. We hung out last night. Nothing more than a hug but he looked great and we connected. It was crazy to read what went down with us 5 years ago. I suppose I forgot. So much drama with D. and other bs of my own making since then. So much growing up still to do. I quit smoking cigs though!!! Over 5 months cold turkey. Feel good about it. Drinking a glass of red wine tonight, in my pjs. Peace to you.. xo