5 days

Today was busy af and I'm exhausted! I keep getting pulled back to this blog though. I have been reading a lot of past entries and reflecting. Perhaps I needed to. I have been through so much. It's ok to recognize it and remember. It's ok to ruminate a bit, notice patterns and mistakes and dare I say... moments of insight. It's not ok to dwell or get mad about old fights. It's not ok to beat myself up for choices I made years ago. Deal with it and move on.

It should be noted that D. is still on the outskirts of my life. We've been broken up a couple years and had a solid year without speaking and then tried to be friends and would end fighting and tried again with the same outcome. It is now a situation where I have his number blocked and allow him to keep in contact with me via insta. I don't mind light contact with him but the attraction is completely gone. He is a funny dude and we have history but I don't love him anymore. Not sure I ever did, though it definitely felt like it at the time. I don't hate getting funny memes or bumping into him at shows though. A "happy ending" in any way shape or form for us involved a ton of effort, work, forgiveness, and strength. I don't think either of us are completely there yet, but it does appear that we are working towards it, individually. Time will tell.

I've been in this apartment over 4 years. I'd like to move at some point, probably back to the city or finally out of state. Every day my mind changes. Work is going well enough where I don't feel the urge to flee but we have other locations, should the desire strongly arise. A transfer is possible.

For now, I am at home with my cat and my plants. I have gotten into keeping plants in the window. I enjoy taking care of them. Which reminds me, I need potting soil! Keep forgetting. It's Spring, time to repot!

My trip is around the corner. I can't wait to get away from it all a bit, and get tan, and relax beachside. Should hopefully be a highlight of this year. I went last year too, in April. It was a beautiful time.

Ta ta for now!
xo, Sar

I'm looking through..

and it all could be so crystal clear, if it wasn't for the foam, but the foam keeps getting thicker, and it just keeps getting harder, and I'm falling into a deep well.

I don't want to live like this..

but I don't want to die.

VW "Harmony Hall" great song!

4/26/19 - I am working full time, saving money, about to take a vacation to Florida, my favorite place in the world. Do you love the beach as much as I do? It's so beautiful and big, being near it helps me understand the big picture. So much has happened. I'm still here, still truckin'. Nothing is perfect, and my mood varies, but with age comes a tad bit of wisdom. It's pretty incredible to pick a random year of this blog and see the patterns: alcohol, men, sex, trouble. Still trying to break the cycle. Succeeding, sometimes. Other times there is a lesson. What made me look back today is M. (2014 is when I posted about him last) and he is still in my life. We hung out last night. Nothing more than a hug but he looked great and we connected. It was crazy to read what went down with us 5 years ago. I suppose I forgot. So much drama with D. and other bs of my own making since then. So much growing up still to do. I quit smoking cigs though!!! Over 5 months cold turkey. Feel good about it. Drinking a glass of red wine tonight, in my pjs. Peace to you.. xo