I can feel the page turning

 Hello everyone!

Venting all my frustrations last time seemed to really help me understand what was holding me back. I've always looked at my vast and varied experiences as a liability - I thought it made me look inconsistent and immature. 

At some point between the writing of that post and now, I've switched my mindset. I now view my job history as something that has allowed me the time and space to try different things to see where my inherent talents and interests are. 

I applied this perspective to a recent job interview. I stated that "I've worked many kinds of jobs in my life, and it took awhile for me to nail down my strengths and where I want to be, which is here, in this field." 

It worked like a charm. And it was the truth. 

Very proud to share that I got the job. 

I start this week. Scared but excited. It's close to my home, slightly more money, and in my field (legal). I was so very nervous for the interview. My self doubt asked in a hateful way, "Why would they pick you?" and yet my confident self replied, "Why not me?". I am positive this winning mindset was a game changer.

Doing laundry, cleaning house, and planning my first day outfit. Headed to my man's house later for some fucking and loving. I'll update again soon.

Love and Peace.

Lol at 2020

Hey everyone. Reporting to you from my living room. I slept past noon. Still not working, my old position was officially eliminated. Still with D. We are going strong and last night in my dream he proposed. 

Still losing weight - today I am 125lbs. I've lost nearly 20lbs this year. I started Wellbutrin in May, and it is my belief that it has maximized my metabolism and aided in weight loss, while helping my depression.

Yes, depression. Not working for almost five months has been obnoxious. I've looked! I've cleaned up my resume, applied, had three phone interviews, and a regular interview cancelled on me. It's so goddamn discouraging. I sincerely wonder if I will ever work again. I have forgotten what normal is supposed to look and feel like.

My man is still working full time, most of my friends still have jobs. Why not me? What is it about me that has such a hard time with work? I've changed jobs many times in my life. I've quit, given notice, been fired, and been laid off. I've also straight up walked out of at least three positions that I held. My work experience is varied. Not much consistency, not really one central theme or field to be found. To be fair, I'd lump my primary experiences as medical or legal. So I suppose there is something connecting it all together. 

Is it my motivation that lacks? My unstable mental health that holds me back? My "doesn't mesh well with others" personality and attitude? Have I just not found my calling?

I wish writing was my calling. I wish I could do something with this blog. I have no idea how to even start. I am not sure I've got the will to put pen to paper and put a book together. I don't know what I'd write about. It's easiest and most helpful for me to write/blog/journal about my life and feelings. That's what I do here, as discretely as possible. It's therapeutic. That's my hint that I don't necessarily want to turn it into a commodity.

So if not that, then what? Maybe I just don't care too much. Maybe I'm a lazy slacker, who is content coasting along in the sea of life, bumping into rock obstacles occasionally and dealing with them with a bunch of tears and weed.

How about that weight loss, eh? My damn clothes are falling off. Ordered a size 4 US jean shorts at the start of summer and they fit like a dream with room to spare. All of my size 6 jeans, shorts, skirts, dresses, are too big to be cute. Even if I did return to work, my business clothes would be swimming on me. 

The antidepressant has a weight loss side effect that I was not aware of until after it was prescribed. I recall that day: I was a disaster. Sobbing to the receptionist, having a near panic attack daily, just drowning in depression over my life, job situation, the pandemic. The doctor was a sweetheart, we had a video chat and she prescribed it. I have never spoken to a doctor about my eating disorder history so she wouldn't have known how potentially dangerous this could be.

I've tried looking online for others like me.... that is, someone with EDNOS habits suddenly dropping a large quantity of weight from a prescription, easily, with barely any hunger to be found. I do eat of course, I eat pretty much whatever I want (same as it ever was) but the hunger is just not there. The Wellbutrin is really helping my mood, but the weight loss is my obsession. I am at a point where I try not to weigh myself too frequently. Because every time there is a loss. Should I be worried that I'll stay on this medication for life to maintain this new stick thin Sar?

I have a physical scheduled in the Fall. No health insurance so I'll be paying out of pocket. We'll see if they even notice.

Have a good day, dear readers. Stay safe and healthy. Lots of love to you. If you have any spare vibes and prayers, I could use them for help finding a new job. I miss working.

Thanks,

XO

~Sar

Insecurity

Why do I yearn to be understood? Why can't I just accept that I'm alone in this journey?

I see my struggle, I see my effort, I see my good intentions, I see my pain. Why do I need someone else to see me and validate my experience?

I feel so fucking weak sometimes. I wish I didn't need anyone to empathize with me.

But I'm only human. I'm alone in this unless I put words out into the world to see if others feel this way.

First post of 2020

And what a time to be alive, during this global pandemic. Life is one big question mark. I was laid off over a month ago. I've been quarantined at my place in the city, just me and the cat. I don't work. I don't leave. I shower every other day. Twice a week I see my man.

Yes, that's right. I'm in a relationship. We met before Christmas and made it official in February. He has been a good support and we've been getting along (for the most part) through this madness. We chill at each other's places.. cooking/eating, fucking, smoking weed, playing cards. He's been a godsend actually.

I miss work so much. There is a chance I can get my gig back. I really want that opportunity. Not working every day has caused my sleep schedule and overall routine to shift. I've become a night owl, staying up past 2 each night.

My weight is down. I had set my goal weight at 135 and last time I weighed (yesterday or the day before) I was 136.

I'm getting older, you guys. I am aging. I see it in my face, and in my hair, and in my body. But it really beats the alternative.

Time is ticking by. My life, like so many, is on pause. And yet.. is it really? I am here, living my days out, quarantine style. Time hasn't stopped, but modern life and society sure has. I miss concerts and going to bars and restaurants and traveling on airplanes. Summer is coming, and what will I do? Work? Not work? Leave the house/attend outdoor events? Or no?

Nobody knows. It's so bizarre.

I'm struggling with anxiety and depression throughout this. Each day is different, some are good, some are bad. The good ones have me up and moving about, with energy, and a sense of purpose. The bad ones have me in my pjs all day, exhausted, barely eating or eating too much, smoking or being too tired to smoke, drinking or being too depressed to drink. Today was closer to the latter.

But I'm trying. I am getting shit done, paying bills, keeping this place in ok shape. Keeping food in the fridge and changing my sheets. Taking care of the cat and my plants.

Sometimes the darkness weighs down on me so profoundly. What s the point? Where's my money? (At the time of the post I have not received unemployment or the federal stimulus payment yet). Sometimes I look back and blame myself endlessly for mistakes I made previously. Sometimes I look forward and see a bleak outlook. Sometimes I look to the present moment and I'm so tightly wound that I can't stay mindful for longer than one second.

Navigating a relationship throughout all this, too, is a challenge. As longtime readers may recall, my relationship history isn't good. They've all been dysfunctional, damaging relationships, with no trust, too much fighting, and deep scars on both sides.

This man in my life.. we'll call him D. I like him. Our relationship so far has gone pretty well. We started off obviously going out a lot more than we currently are, due to the pandemic and everything shutting down. But we've had fun together! Both before and after everything changed.

Time will tell what happens next. For the record, I am happy with him and dutifully working through my insecurities. We talk pretty openly. I have lingering fears that stem from my ever-present anxiety and sometimes I'm so very worried and scared that I'll slip and fuck everything up. I have to evolve and grow past this otherwise I will never have what I want most.. real love.

Needless to say, he is good enough to make me want to be better. I am self soothing and learning to cope. It's not easy by any means, and the state of affairs including being laid off certainly presents an interesting chapter in my life.

This is longer than I thought. Hope you all stay safe.

Love,
Sar