The Squirming Coil

Good morning and happy Sunday! Oh how I love the weekend and being off work. My job stresses me out, and depending on the time of month, I get serious about quitting. Pretty sure I have PMDD, a cyclical mood occurring before my period starts. A week or two before my period I become more miserable, moody, anxious, and depressed. I feel like: quitting my job, dumping my boyfriend, deleting friends and family who annoy me from social media, selling/throwing out all my possessions, and moving. Lol. It's pretty dramatic. Like clockwork, my boyfriend and I fight. 

But today I am bleeding and happy. Those crazy feelings really seem to cease when my period begins. It's wild. A few more days til vacay! I can't wait! In the meantime, I've been keeping lists and shopping and cleaning and packing and daydreaming! The ocean calls me!! I am answering the call.

I really should find a focus for this blog. I feel like I'm all over the place here. But I guess it doesn't matter. This is my outlet. Blogger has been here for me since 2008.

Let me back up a bit, and start over. It's Sunday. I am drinking coffee and about to blaze. I relish this feeling of freedom. Me and my man are getting together later. He always sleeps a bit later than me, so I'll get a call in the next hour I'd guess. We're pretty predictable. We are falling in love. We are days away from our first ever romantic getaway as a couple. I really can't wait. Not just because I love where we're going, but because I love getting so much quality time with him, without distractions like work and life.

I do hope and kinda expect to marry this man. I've said this about nearly every man I've ever dated but it's different with him. He is my best friend. We laugh, and talk, and walk, and play music, and have similar interests but different hobbies which keeps it interesting. He is hot. I am still in disbelief that I have a boyfriend! After years of dickwads. Finally! He likes me! He loves me! He thinks I'm someone worth being with! He bought me flowers the other day! What the hell?! How did I get this lucky?! After alllllll the horrible mistakes I've made? Like I said.. disbelief. I wonder when that'll fade. 

I deserve it though, that's what I gotta remember. I deserve love and happiness, same as anyone. Same as you! We all do. 

Not everything is perfect of course. Our recent fight sucked. I am working on the fighting issues with my therapist. I look back on my life and see the pattern. Every relationship had fighting, mostly due to my out of control rage, and it always was a reason for it to end. I refuse to allow that to happen again but if it does it will be my greatest punishment. 

My therapist has been a godsend. Even though I have come so far, I have soooo far to go. My therapist always makes a comment like "It's good that you're aware" and my response is always "It's been a lifetime of this". I am sick of it. I want to be well.

Needless to say, for now things are good. We are excited for our trip and fun things happening this summer. I am ok with work, my home, my life. 

Do I look in the mirror and literally hate the way I look daily? Yes. But, I am working on that too. We live in a superficial society, unfortunately. That is just a fact. The older I get the more I compare myself to the younger beauties of this world. It's so stupid! I hate comparing myself and yet do it constantly. Weight, hair, skin, clothes, teeth, shoes, all of it. But looks don't matter, right! At least they fuckin shouldn't. But we all know they do. 

My goal is to find some sort of acceptance with my looks and aging. I have a pretty deep understanding that to age is much better than to pass away young. I have experienced much loss, and when it's young people it's just so brutal. Therefore, I am profoundly aware of my luck for continuing existence.

I just wish I could have prettier hair. I got a bad cut about two months ago (side bangs) and it's been messing with my head so I've been taking scissors to the length. Also, the grays. Omg the grays.

Accept it Sar! Own it! You have curly hair, love it! It's never going to look like someone else's hair. I am unique, I am miraculous, I am happy, healthy, wealthy, lucky, loved!!! Goddammit.

I'm hyper. More later. Much love to you!

Musings about money, myself, my weight

Good morning all. I'm sitting comfy in my living room, working from home today. Still on a hybrid schedule with some days at home, other days in the office. I love it and hope it never changes, but fear the change is coming soon. There is something about being paid to spend the work day at home, in my peace, with my cat, no one around. No weird smells coming from the kitchen. No outside chatter floating into my headspace. Nobody watching, nobody judging. 

I like the office, and my coworkers, for the most part. But when I'm there the days seem so much longer. I have to wake up earlier, get all presentable, pay for parking, walk through the elements, compare my outfit to the outfits of the younger, more stylish women, be "on" all day. I gotta hustle. Which is fine! But my god, these work from home days have kept me sane.

Getting laid off in the pandemic last spring was awful. It was a shock. It was terrifying to lose health insurance during a global health crisis. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. But, as usual, I made shit work. I had savings and found something new in a reasonable amount of time. To outsiders, I am sure I made it look easy. Truth is, it IS easy to live within my means and to find work. I will do just about anything to make money. I know what I'm good at. I know what I have zero interest in. I know what it's like to be poor and to live on a budget therefore I am not a big spender.

However.... I've been getting a little too comfortable online shopping. Nearly every weekend lately I login to Express or Target or Amazon and buy myself a little something. I know why this is occurring.

One: There has been nothing to really do; money hasn't been spent on drinks/dinners/happy hours/concerts/festivals/events/ubers/tips/etc. So it *appears* that I've been saving money, which I use as justification that it's ok to treat myself. 

Two: I have went without for so long. I have bought myself the BAREST OF BARE essentials since leaving my parent's home. I didn't even use to buy coffee creamer because I was too poor. I have clothes from college, I repeat, 11 year old clothes that I wear on the regular. So much of what I own has been given to me. Sure it's good that I can fit in old stuff (win!), but it's OLD STUFF. And I'm working full time for god's sake. So yes. I have been purposely purchasing things like a bathing suit, a coat, shoes, some home decor, new sheets. And it's fine!! I have to tell myself it's fine.

But running out of money scares the hell out of me. I need to be careful. Spending $100 once a week is $400 per month. On me!! Do I deserve it? YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT. But I don't always feel that way..

This all is on my mind for a pretty big reason. Me and my boyfriend recently got vaccinated against covid and decided to BOOK A TRIP!!! WOOHOO!!!! You guys know I love the beach and that's where we are going! I cannot wait!!!! We have been dating for about 16 months. I do NOT expect him to pay my whole way so we are splitting a lot of the costs. He makes a buttload more money then me and will be chipping in more but my worried mind keeps telling me to SPEND LESS in preparation for this trip. At the same time, hello, romantic beach getaway with bae. I need a cute dress! I need a sexy bathing suit! I want to be the hottest or at least one of the hottest girls in the resort! 

At least my weight is down. The one thing that's been getting to me lately is my waist measurement. It won't seem to budge from 29 inches. I want to lose 1 or 2 inches around my waist, then I'll feel more comfortable in my body I think. Lol yeah right, are we ever comfortable?

I want to tell my man about my eating disordered past, but I can't seem to think of a good enough reason to. I want to tell him about the purging. But why? Just so I can share my secret with someone? So he can understand me better? So he can maybe recognize why I must be thin? I don't know. Maybe I just hate keeping things from him. But what good is bringing up the miserable past? 

It's sometimes hard for me to believe that I have lived my entire life preoccupied with my weight and how I look. The patriarchy at work, ladies and gentlemen. And I'm a feminist! I don't exist to look good for men!! And yet... I am obsessed. Still! Mid -thirties and how I look can ruin my day. It's shameful, and I need to be confident or at the very least APPEAR confident. So maybe that's why I can't tell him. If I don't have confidence I don't have shit.

xoxo~Sar