Drunk off one beer

It's 9:30 on a Friday night and I'm doing some of my favorite things...laying low at home in comfy clothes, listening to music, smoking a bowl. Tonight I'm actually having a beer as well. Picked up a 4pack of Dream Patch fruited sours. Delish! 

I wouldn't consider drinking alcohol one of my favorite things these days as I rarely do it. I still keep track in my agenda notebook, as I have for years. For an entire year now I've drank on average twice a month. As opposed to most of the month. It feels great to have cut back on alcohol!! My weed intake is out of control though.

I got a raise this week. And a bonus. Me and bae bought plane tickets. We travel a lot. This time it's where I want to go. Lol, where else but Florida. Gulf side this time! I just love the beach. I think about the ocean a lot. Also, the moon is going to be full when we're there! I love things like that. When it all lines up. 

But NOTHING goes according to plan. Each day I struggle to get out of bed. I yearn to stay down, and under the covers. Once I'm up I talk myself into each next step. The pull back to bed is magnetic. The draw to the darkness is relentless. Most of the time, the day carries on predictably. Sometimes I plan to do something, and it doesn't happen. Or I don't consider it for one second, and then end up doing that very thing. It's like that for us all! That's life! But when you apply it long term, you have to weigh out the odds. On one hand you can plan, on the other Life interferes. How much control do we have? I want so much. I have ideas for life. But how many will play out? What may occur? Why worry now? Because I worry about fucking everything

*slow down. take a sip of beer*

*hit pipe*

Lately, my older sister has been confiding in me. I feel like her equal in a way. I carry her burdens. My older brother also recently confided in me. It appears we are all on the same page. Something is up with our mother.

I am so used to be alone. I thrive alone. Thrive, really, is that the word I would use to describe this day to day existence of mine? I am working. I am maintaining a relationship. I struggle. I question everything. I put things off and distance myself. I say I have friends to keep up appearances. The truth is that I really don't have a good friend. Sure, I have people. There are girls I can text if I want or need. Will they be there 100%? No. I do not have that in a friend. 

Some might say that no friend can ever give 100%. I'd agree. I used it as a figure of speech, to inform you that I long for it. I read about these beautiful female friendships in women's fiction. God, I get so envious. How amazing would it be to have a tightknit circle, or one or two close confidants. I used to have that. These days I have my therapist, myself, my boyfriend, and my other vice: the internet. I can talk to my siblings to a very certain extent. I am used to being an island by now. 

For the record, I'm doing amazing with my commitment to the gym. I have gone with my man every week without missing. It feels great! I know once a week is child's play, but to build a habit sometimes baby steps are needed. I have been eating kinda bad though. I've had an absolute WEAKNESS for sugar and chocolate. Since the holidays pretty much. Then Valentine's day. And now Easter candy is everywhere. 

I shouldn't even be drinking beer, as it's so high in calories, but since it's such a rare treat I'm going to enjoy the fuck out of it. I might have a second..

**

Just cracked open a second beer. It's all good. It's Friday night! My man is at his sports league. I love these Friday nights where I can just do me. We will see each other tomorrow. Things with us are pretty good. We're in love but we definitely fight a lot. But we talk it out. We are trying to figure out a way to coexist. I will say, he checks off all the boxes. More than that, we have fun. I have seen so many shows with him. We've been all over. And now this Florida trip. We're going to CO in the fall. He knows I want kids. He does too. We're just living for today. Neither of us is afraid to talk about the future though. 

The weird thing about having this blog is being able to read my old writing. Parts of my adult life are cataloged here. For better or worse. Some of the old posts are cringe as hell. Some of them blow my mind with their wisdom and strength. It's me. But I've changed.

I was going to write how I've changed, but I don't have the energy. This post is getting too long and I've been rambling the entire time. I just want you to know, sometimes I wish I could go back and do better. It makes me sad that I would hook up with guys and then blame them for "using me". Why didn't I realize how much control I had? Why did I act so naïve and vulnerable? If only I could go back and be stronger, better. 

But I can't. I can only be here, now. Alone at my kitchen table. Drinking my beer. Listening to music. Maybe I'll get cozy and watch something on TV. Maybe I'll scroll reddit til my eyes blur.

I miss old me. I miss someone I can't even remember. 

The person I am these days seems kind of dull. Drinking less - yay. Going to shows - whoop de doo. Working - who isn't? 

I need a real hobby. I should try to be more interesting. My mental health is not a personality. 

Once again ending a post on a somber note.

Does anyone else beat themselves up over everything? 

For me it's a constant, loud (silent) voice critiquing and correcting my every move. 

Love and peace. 

xo Sar

Writing makes you think, reading makes you feel less alone

It's Saturday. I told my bf that I need a day to myself. So far all I've done is read. I finished "Wish you were here" by Jodi Picoult in 3 days. My eyes hurt but it was so damn good. I love any book that takes place by the beach. It was a really interesting story. I bought this book in Boulder, CO in December but waited to read it for a few months while I finished what I was reading prior. Didn't expect to love it as much as I did so I'm chalking the whole thing up as a win.

My head hurts. I need to grocery shop, clean, and shower. But all I'm doing is sitting on my ass. We were away last weekend, so it's good to be home. My cat is napping, and even though I slept 11 hours, I'm tempted to join. I won't though. I'm going to hop in the shower very soon. I gotta make something of this day. Me and my K. are planning to spend the day together tomorrow. 

I called my mom today and she actually answered. We had a decent talk. I am guarded talking to her, and I feel that she is aware of the wall between us. It's been this way for a long time, perhaps it's always been this way. 

There have been times when I let the wall down, and opened up, and showed intense emotion. And maybe every so often she'd say the right thing. But most times her response lacks warmth and empathy. She will turn it back to her, and her life. I eventually learned to be careful in being too honest. Because it takes a lot of bravery for me to be vulnerable. When I find the courage to deeply open up about my fear or source of pain, and her response is brief or colder than I hoped,  it hurts all the more. 

When I choose to confide the true root of an issue that my heart yearns to be supported with, when I ask for help, when I choose to let someone further inside, when I dare to voice the unspeakable, when I detach myself from the front facing façade... I need the person to care. I hope the person will care. I hope the person realizes that I am giving them something I don't give many people. The chance to see me, the chance to know me, the chance to help me. I thought parents wanted to help their kids. I thought moms were supposed to want their daughters. But she tends to act like she doesn't care that much. In our family, there's so many kids, and only the two of them. We get pieces of each other. Sometimes it feels like I only get crumbs.

On that happy note, I'm gonna stop writing this entry.

Have a great day, all.

Mi madre

It's 7:15PM on my mom's birthday and I couldn't give a damn. I worked today, it was busy as fuck. I had to leave early to get my dental crown fitting. (Had a root canal a few weeks ago). It took forever! It sucked! I hate the dentist! It took nearly 45 minutes to get home and then I had to finish a few things for work. I called her around 5:30PM. Her and my dad moved to AZ, not sure if I mentioned that. She didn't answer my call but texted me that they were getting food. Ok then. I was hoping to get the call out of the way so I could continue on with my night. But no, they're eating dinner at 2:30PM. *rolls eyes*

I said "Enjoy!" and prepared some dinner for myself. Roasted cauliflower, BBQ tofu. With water to drink. I haven't felt right today, minor cold symptoms and tired of the rat race. I bust my ass at work to a point of overwhelming stress. I neglect duties around the house so that I can sit around after work and surf the web. With lots of weed obv. 

To be fair, I've cut back a lot. I used to smoke way more. I still smoke daily, or have a gummy, but the quantity is less. I've also pretty much stopped drinking.

Where was I even going with this? I'm in a low mood, due to feeling a sense of dread about getting on the phone with my mom. I have documented quite a big in this blog about the emotional damage they've done. I just want to relax but feel on the edge that she'll be calling back any moment. My head is pounding again.

More later.

***

Update - 11:00PM. She never called back. Ignored by my mom on her birthday. I guess I wasn't the only one who didn't want to talk but it doesn't feel great. 

Guess I'm going to go to bed. Getting closer to the weekend and Spring.

xo

I shall be released

It's been almost two years since my last post. I am in a different relationship, at a different job, in a different phase of life. I'd love to get you all caught up but I feel no real obligation to share the details. Life is swell, except for my mental health. The waves and lows of depressive episodes, relentless anxiousness, irrational fears, hypervigilance. The moments of pure and raw rage. Being triggered by seemingly everything. I'm tired. I've been actively engaged in biweekly therapy for a couple years (and sporadically over a lifetime). I'm willfully medicated and barely drinking alcohol. I think a lot. I want to think my way out of this. But maybe that's not the way?

Work keeps me busy, but I have the luxury of remote work four days per week. It's a blessing and a curse. I spend a lot of time alone. Working, yes. But also: pacing around, picking something up and setting it down in another room, talking to and laughing at and looking at my cat, reading random shit on the internet, overthinking, snacking.

Snacks galore anytime I like. I haven't put on weight but after a cold winter of being inside with all the food I feel squishy. I'm 131, a comfortable weight, comfortable enough to wear crop tops in the summer. However, this lifestyle is not healthy. Me and my man "K" are going to the gym tomorrow. We've spent quite a few nights getting ice cream. We've been dating for over a year and serious for at least six months by now. We love each other and I'm excited for this new activity.

When we met last year we both worked out at different gyms. Yep it's true, I had joined a gym on my own freewill in January 2022. It was much needed! But I only went a dozen times over the course of last year. Me and K. did a lot of walking and dancing at shows for exercise, and I eventually cancelled my membership ($50/month). We decided that we would be work out buddies quite awhile ago (lol). But you know how it gets.

Anyway, tomorrow starts a healthier routine. My weight is ok but I want to get in shape. Going with him will hopefully be a great incentive. It already feels easier to know I'm not going alone. It was hard holding myself accountable and I wasn't good about going regularly. I also hope this improves my mental health. I still suffer deeply under the weight of my demons. I still have nightmares. I have a lot of old feelings that want to be felt, which pop out at inopportune times. I have a lot to work on. I have a lot to release. 

I miss this part of me. Writing and documenting in this humble blog.

Hope all is well with you. Xo.