Date night

Things are looking up. My guy got some good medical news. My brother is still hanging on. My job is fine. Tonight we're going to a fancy restaurant for dinner, and then to the movies to see Anyone But You. This is my pick, he is not a fan of "rom-coms", but I am, so we compromised. I'm lucky.

Obviously, I'm still in pain over what's happening with my family. And the fact that I'm drawing attention at work. But today, I'm trying to be ok. 

If only I could kick this weed addiction. In my head I compare my usage to an act of anaesthetizing my state of being. Like today for example. I woke up at K.'s. Last night we had an emotional discussion about terminal illness and death as relevant to my family situation. I slept ok but it took forever to fall asleep. Even though we both usually fall asleep instantly together. He had to work this morning so I left and went back to bed. A couple hours later I got up, and I'm feeling all the emotions. Such that thoughts are choking me up. But then I took a toke of pot. All of a sudden, I catch myself singing goofy songs to my cat and feeling just...better.

I'm walking on sunshine down the staircase when the thought popped into my mind: the weed is masking everything. I rely on it. Every fucking day. To put a bandaid on the pain.

I NEED to stop. I just don't know how.

But it won't be today, obviously. Thank god K. doesn't smoke. I know when we're together I won't be puffing, maybe just my pen once or twice.

I gotta be stronger. 2024 has been off to a tough start. I want to be happy and free. It just seems like it's going to take time to get to a better state of mental health. But maybe I'm not even trying, especially if I abuse a substance to get by. Not proud of it. It's been an issue for far too long. Decades. That's so guilt-inducing to admit.

It's time to get ready. Sending anyone reading some positive vibes. They're there, with a little help from my pipe. But they also exist within me. And you!! If you look for them.

XO Sar

In trouble

 Got in "trouble" at work. They noticed I've been a tad... detached lately. Someone asked me to assist with a project a couple weeks ago, and I declined. This was brought to HR. They questioned me in the conference room today. A Friday. It makes me wonder, had the conversation gone another way, were they planning to fire me? But for all intents and purposes, the conversation had a professional, interactive flow to it. I took ownership. I was honest. I communicated some of the things troubling me lately. I acknowledged the impact of same on work. 

It's over and I survived it. But it feels like shit. I know I've been slacking. I admitted it to my therapist, bf, probably here... It's hard to care about work when loved ones are suffering. Put another way, it's easy to not give a shit about work. I live for so much more than work.

And you should've seen those two ladies, sitting there with me. Taking this all very seriously. Isn't our work just so important. 

I'm drinking. We got pounded with snow and K. picked me up and drove me to and from work today so I could attend this meeting, since my car is currently snowed in. Aka buried in snow. He's a sweetheart to help.

But when he dropped me off after work, I came inside and made a stiff drink. The cup is half whiskey. I'm blazing weed. I'm fucked up. 

I needed to get fucked up because I was hurting. Still am. Had to slow down drinking since I had barely any food today. Plain yogurt with high protein granola. Breakfast snack bar. Apple. A few cashews. I was hungry until I had that meeting. 

But yeah. That happened today. And I'm still reeling, clearly. What a mindfuck. As if I don't have enough going on. I guess I have to handle it better. I need to step it up. Keep work and life separate, not let either affect each other. How the hell do you do that?

I gotta end this for now.

New year, fresh chapter

It's a new year. My cousin had a baby today. My cousin is gorgeous and quite well off. We're the same age and I've always compared myself to her. Growing up together, she was more outgoing, kinda spoiled, and popular/athletic during school. I was shy and kinda rebellious, a troubled girl falling through the cracks in a big family. I got into drugs, she did not. She's always done well, had good steady jobs and nice apartments. I switched jobs countless times and lived in tiny lofts. She married someone with a very wealthy profession and they live in a gigantic house out in the suburbs. I'm unmarried, in a relationship where the man I love has a serious illness. I'm not even afraid to admit that I'm totally jealous of her. 

Don't get me wrong, it doesn't feel good to admit that and I don't believe I've ever indicated same to her. The funny thing is, despite everything above, it's possible I have strengths that she doesn't. I'm definitely more independent. I've traveled solo, she's always traveled in groups. I'm a tad unconventional and not concerned with staging my life on social media. She posts everything. Perhaps these are just differences and not strengths but for a moment there it felt like my self confidence was trying to have a word.

I'm happy about the baby and look forward to meeting it. I'm just in a mood - woke up feeling ok but it changed quickly. Cat was driving me nuts. Apartment needed cleaning. Bf caught covid and I had to test yesterday but it was negative, twice. Not sure if I should test again today. I don't feel sick, at least. 

I was told some disturbing details about my family member who is in hospice. Found myself morbidly reading about end of life stuff. I'm so sick of living with this all. How can I detach? I told my coworker yesterday I was numb. She and I were having a nice chat and she had mentioned a few times about her mom and started crying as she described a recent occurrence. She then get all embarrassed and was like  "sorry for crying, it's literally nothing compared to everything that's going on with you". It was validating but all I said was "It's ok to cry, I'm honestly numb at this point". 

Sometimes I am numb. But obviously I'm self medicating. I cry of course. I cry every day sometimes. I scream and yell and hurt myself and other with my hateful words. Last week I cried and screamed so much the capillaries around my eyes started to burst. Stuff has been bleak lately.

I skimmed some posts from 2023 last night. There is no question, even without looking back at old posts, that was 2023 was a rough year for me. I felt sad though, seeing how many of my posts describe feeling mad or sad or stressed. I need to live a different way if this is my mood the majority of the time.

But how?? 

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It's Saturday and my bf is sick so I have the day to myself. It's noon and I gotta shower. I've already cleaned up a bit. The plan is to put my Christmas decorations away. And just veg, I guess. It's supposed to snow today. I need to grocery shop. My appetite has been so wonky lately. I actually lost weight from the stress and not eating as much.

I bought a nice new scale a couple months ago. Holding steady around 131. This is a good weight for me. I feel and look thin. Not that I am super obsessed about my weight these days. I just kinda leave it alone. I don't like binging so that's never a worry. I never ever purge or feel tempted. I mean, it pops into my mind once in awhile as a memory, but it's not an actual desire. I don't try to skip meals or starve myself EVER because I have found that when my blood sugar crashes I get soo mean. I eat as regularly as possible just not a ton and I watch what I eat. Not too much sugar. Not too much carbs. Strive for protein and fiber. I'm still a vegetarian and I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. Plus my anti depressants have an appetite suppressing side effect. 

It's time to end this, thanks for reading. Felt good to vent.

xoxo Sar