Things are looking up. My guy got some good medical news. My brother is still hanging on. My job is fine. Tonight we're going to a fancy restaurant for dinner, and then to the movies to see Anyone But You. This is my pick, he is not a fan of "rom-coms", but I am, so we compromised. I'm lucky.
Obviously, I'm still in pain over what's happening with my family. And the fact that I'm drawing attention at work. But today, I'm trying to be ok.
If only I could kick this weed addiction. In my head I compare my usage to an act of anaesthetizing my state of being. Like today for example. I woke up at K.'s. Last night we had an emotional discussion about terminal illness and death as relevant to my family situation. I slept ok but it took forever to fall asleep. Even though we both usually fall asleep instantly together. He had to work this morning so I left and went back to bed. A couple hours later I got up, and I'm feeling all the emotions. Such that thoughts are choking me up. But then I took a toke of pot. All of a sudden, I catch myself singing goofy songs to my cat and feeling just...better.
I'm walking on sunshine down the staircase when the thought popped into my mind: the weed is masking everything. I rely on it. Every fucking day. To put a bandaid on the pain.
I NEED to stop. I just don't know how.
But it won't be today, obviously. Thank god K. doesn't smoke. I know when we're together I won't be puffing, maybe just my pen once or twice.
I gotta be stronger. 2024 has been off to a tough start. I want to be happy and free. It just seems like it's going to take time to get to a better state of mental health. But maybe I'm not even trying, especially if I abuse a substance to get by. Not proud of it. It's been an issue for far too long. Decades. That's so guilt-inducing to admit.
It's time to get ready. Sending anyone reading some positive vibes. They're there, with a little help from my pipe. But they also exist within me. And you!! If you look for them.
XO Sar
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