Faceless.

It's after midnight and I'm contemplative and restless. I want to shower, have a smoke, clean a little, go somewhere; I want to do everything but only half-heartedly. I lack the gusto, I suppose, to really make the move tonight.

Must be all that dancing. I happily danced my ass off last night. I did eat though. I was trapped; I arrived at my friend's place and first we smoked a blunt, which was fine...but then everyone started talking excitedly about dinner and grilling and I felt sick inside. I knew I had to eat at least one thing. I told myself that would be okay, because all I had up to that point was the other half of the cinnamon roll (nasty-sugary-fatty) and 1 1/2 slices of toast. 

So I ate a grilled "tofurkey" "sausage", whatever the fuck that is. Actually it was okay, I did NOT see the nutritional facts unfortunately but I'm sure a quick net browse will solve that. I ate it on a (white) hot dog bun, with mustard and some grilled onions and peppers. *Sighs*

I was the skinniest girl there, but definitely one of the tallest. I always feel big. Am I though? Fuck if I know, my distortion is extremely skewed. Not just my perception of myself but my perception of others is off-kilter. I at least know, though. I am not in denial.

Anyway. Later last night once we were home from the concert, which was awesome, by the way, I SPLURGED and ate 2 slices of oven-cooked cheese pizza (guessing 700 calories) and some gummy rings. 

Yes I'm a pig. I know this. I hate myself for reaching for the second slice. K. urged me to...I am so fucking fed up with people trying to get me to eat. 

I guess I'll comfort myself with the fact that if I was overweight, no one would be offering me food. Well maybe someone, some perverted fuck like me who likes to watch fat people eat. It always succeeds in making me eat a little less...ha.  And last night I watched a couple of the girls I was hanging with shovel down pints of Ben and Jerry's (not that I haven't done it, but after all that drinking? no thanks) PLUS the pizza..

Disgust. I really need a shower.

It's time to get honest about today:

Breakfast - Tim Horton's black coffee and donut.

Lunch - Baked potato with salsa/cheese, salad, some fruit/trail mix.

Snack- More gummy candy. More licorice.

Dinner - Pan-fried potatoes and onions (sauteed in olive oil, at least - my bro made it)

And luckily that day is officially over and I am full. I ate too much, way too much today. In my (tiny) defense, my body craved nutrients after a night of drinking (beer and wine, more calories there- wonderful).

But still, candy, a donut, and something fried ALL in ONE day??

That is ridiculous. Positively mad. I am an alien.

I am out of control, or maybe not. Maybe I am really IN control but I just don't know it.

I got my tarot cards read last night.

Interesting...they basically "said" (according to the girl that read them) that I "withhold" a lot (yes) and that I struggle with being "fair". I don't know. Maybe it's a crock.

I could relate to it though. The whole thing about being fair could have to do with my eating habits. I try to be fair to my body, by not eliminating nutrients completely, by resting it, by keeping clean and somewhat healthy, etc...but I also need to be fair to the skinny goddess inside.

It's a constant conflict and I'm stuck in the middle.

I need to rest my eyes (see, there's me being fair again).

Think thin.

Do NOT add to the obesity epidemic. It is seriously out of control here. I hate it. It's not exactly rocket science (staying in shape) so why can't people NOT weigh over 200 pounds? What. The. Fuck.

I'm sorry but that's just gross. I've said it before and I'll say it again: don't be fat. Be thin. Be the skinniest in the room. Be thinspirational. Be lovely. Be you, just the best you.

I'll be me, only the skinniest me possible. Because it's fun to be thin. I saw some super skinny girls at the bar last night (it's weird how there is skinny, skinnier, the skinniest) and I stared with envy, unashamed, because they were gorgeous. Guys want to hug and touch them. Scratch that, everyone wants to touch them, because skinny is cute and hot and small and touchable. It is ideal to be thin in our faceless world.