Must. Punish.

Well hello bloggers, here's some advice: when someone seems too good to be true...they probably are an illusion, a figment of your imagination, a person with powerful will, strong enough to shield your love without thinking twice. J. and I are no more. Not that there ever was a "J. and I" but we really had such a great time and the kissing was fabulous and our talks were so personal and imaginative, and, and, no more.


Here's why. Wednesday (when we chilled) went well. Seriously. I wouldn't have felt like that if things weren't so right. I did not hear from him after I left Wednesday night, though. Sometime late Thursday I texted him. He responded, saying he was golfing, and that was it.

Later that night I texted him again, asking if we were cool (because at that point I thought he was mad at me for driving a lil drunk) and he didn't respond. So I broke the "rules" and texted him again. He responded saying something incoherent, so I replied with "Screw you". That got his attention. [Long story short] He said, "It's been a long day and I'm in bed; Stop trying to bring me down for not texting you for one day, you're just going to push me away."

Oh? I'm going to push him away by texting him 3 times after a wonderful time together? Nah. I said nothing until yesterday. Something concise, "If you're going to deny that there is something between us then it's your loss." To which he replied, "I think you're complicating things but whatever you say"... and then he goes, "I'm leaving for NYC (true) and you should focus on school (also true) so let's just be friends."

Ouch. Hit me with all these true statements and then say we should be friends? But...I don't wanna. I want to make love. I want you to be my boyfriend. I want to be your girlfriend. Goddamn where are these voices coming from? Boyfriend? I can't even take care of myself/love myself/appreciate myself where the hell am I going to find the time or energy to put into reassuring a boy? And, *sigh*, that's what he is. A boy. A little, scared boy. And I'm a fat, scared girl.

And so getting back to the text drama, I said "I know, friends :)"

Today, I'm sad. Yesterday, I was in denial. Yesterday, I binged. At 8 in the evening I ordered an 8 inch thin crust veggie pizza with blue cheese on the side for dipping. I ate the entire thing, and then 2 blueberry waffles with real maple syrup. I am fucked in the head and feeling huge today. The best part? The very very best wonderful perfect part is that I see J. today at work.

This feels fucking familiar, it feels like T. No, that's a lie. I had the time to develop real, true feelings for T. as a person. With J... I am attracted to what I am initially seeing. It's not necessarily a bad thing, it's just a risk, because things happen, he might have met someone, blah blah, it was just too early.

And that blows. Because out of the 3 times we hung out alone I cannot remember a single dull moment. We had fun. We laughed. We stared into each other's eyes. We made jokes and sexual innuendos and really started to get to know each other.

I don't know what happened. Perhaps he saw a little bit of my psycho side and didn't like it. The offerings of food and me saying hell no! At the coffee shop when I told him I'd rather spend money on coffee than food. Me texting him 3 times in one day without a real response. IS THAT ANY REASON TO STOP THIS, J.?

I. Think. Not!

I can do nothing but speculate! I hate this! I have done nothing in two days besides eat and sleep and smoke. I have fallen into some sort of depression OVER THIS DUDE wtf??

Help, please. If you've even read this far! I am so boy crazy, I'm sorry, I can't help it. I need their attention and I usually want it! I liked J.! This just isn't fair what the fuck is going on??????

It's good that I can get this out here, I suppose. Better than flipping out a human.

_________________________________________________________________

Last night I had a dream that I was a ballerina, in a modeling studio, trying to do a dance move with my feet and not being able to. I interpret this as the acknowledgement of the fact that I am "disabled". My ankle still hurts and I've been limping all week. I also think dreaming of dancing and modeling ensures that I'm always thinking of appearances, which basically equates to eating less. I need to eat less so I can be capable. I need to eat less so I can do anything.

I am tired of binging. Yesterday was ridic. I am tired of me. I am tired of being tired. I smoke all day and don't get high. I am so out of it. I put everything into J. and now I'm left with nothing. I do have a lot to do for school in the coming weeks and months so he had a point there. Now I just need to concentrate. It's so hard to do that, though. I want pills. I want a blank mind. I want a perfect body. I crave thin.

With J. out of the way I can return to what really matters.

Right now I am sipping green tea and smoking (obviously). I will not eat one thing today, as punishment for yesterday. I am punishing myself for binging and also for fucking things up with J. I need your support more than ever. Help me correct my ways. Please, please.

Think thin*

xo~Sar