I painted my nails red and when I gesture I feel fancy

I miss you guys. I've been sadly too busy to post or even just to read your blogs and relax. Time is a-flying. I've got class in 45 minutes, it's so early it's still dark out, I'm smoking and listening to sad songs, because, you guessed it - J. was here last night. Then he went home and we exchanged texts. I want more, he doesn't. He doesn't act like it, he acts adorable, in a conniving sort of way. Whatever, I have such a busy day, I need to not worry about it.

Today. 3 classes. Annotated Bibliography. Group meeting for presentation. More research. No sleep. No contacting asshole I mean J.

It's just that I really don't think he's an asshole. He's managed to squeeze his way into my heart and I hate him for it, but we really get along in such a cute way. We just joke and laugh and stare at each other and contact each other and to be perfectly honest it feels like we're seeing each other/dating. But I guess we're not? He hasn't left town yet, I don't know when that is supposed to happen. He says, "next week". He basically defines shady but what's a girl with a heart as big as mine to do?

The answer is nothing.
The answer is she starves.

Yesterday I fasted. It was great actually, but I definitely felt myself get bitchier as the day and night progressed. I ate some food last night though, late, after J. left. Damn I just consulted my post it on my computer which lists my intake, and I ate about 1000 calories last night. After an entire day of fasting, so that's not terrible.

Had weird dreams all night, actually every night. Sipping on my tea right now, I will probably try to not eat all day again, although it's always harder when I have this early class. My stomach starts grumbling! Ugh, hate it. Lol I'm becoming so obvious about my hatred for food I think. I made a remark to my friend yesterday about how beautifully thin our teacher is. I don't "get lunch" on campus. I don't need to stuff my face for freedom.

I just need my pipe. And some music. And a little bit of time.
Life is better with those three things.

My heart ache from me and J.'s latest drama is fading with the darkness. I can see the trees outside now, that tells me I better get some clothes on and get to class.
I can do this.
So can you.

Be strong today.

Think thin.

xo~Sar