I am listening to Simon & Garfunkel. I am stoned out of my mind. I took a late afternoon nap and have not ate anything since. It is almost midnight and I feel like a fat whale in my new black yoga pants. They are so comfortable, but not as comfortable as being completely naked. All morning I lay around nude. It is like reverse-thinspo every time I look down or in the mirror, which is quite often. I lose myself in the mirror. Who is this person staring back, right in the eyes? Then she scans her gaze down my body; judging; critiquing. It is a painful process, but it must be done. I need to be aware of my looks every minute. I need to know if my shirt is riding up, or if my thong is hanging out of my jeans, or if I look fat in this, fat from the front, fat from behind, fat from the side, fat face today, arm chunk slipping out of my tank top.
Lord help me. My employer preached the good word to me the other day at work. Ha. He can talk, I will listen, but I do think it is not appropriate at the workplace. I don't need to hear his opinions on this and that; I want to hear, "You're getting a raise". Dreams, without them I would be scarce, invisible. They provide me amusement, seriously something I crave during the day, a little flashback. "Oh yeah, I dreamt this". I wish it were true. I wish I got laid by two different men in two days, nah, only in my dreams.
So here is what I ate today, from the hours of 12 pm to 12 am. I measure my intake by calories:
Banana (60 cal), 2 pudding cups (120 cal), weight watchers yogurt cup (80 cal), veggie chips (300 cal), 3 rice cakes (180 cal),a veggie burger dipped in mustard (200 cal), Reeses snack bites (100 cal), 2 string cheeses (160 cal), oatmeal (100 cal), 2 more string cheeses (160 cal).
Total: 1135 cal for the day. Not horrible, but no good. I am obsessed with dairy lately, this is probably why I am gaining so much. I have been devouring string cheese and yogurt. I crave ice cream. Why am I craving dairy, I wonder?? Another question, what is the lowest fat and best tasting yogurt? [From Walmart or Tops]
I lost my train of thought, I guess seeing that huge number of calories I injested today makes me nauseaus. At least I know I won't be stuffing my face any time soon, I already did that for the day. But hey! It's Thursday now, a new day, a day to fast? I want to try!! I always get hungry after several hours and tell myself that eating a bit is "what's best for me". Well fuck that! I want to get skinny.
When I go shopping I obsess over labels. I should be more specific, food shopping, I always have to buy low fat, fat free, sugar free. Mostly I look for fat free, low sodium, LOW CALORIES. I do not always worry about the sugar content on the nutritional facts, however. Is sugar ultimately fattening? I fear fat, carbs, and sodium the most for sure. How about you guys out there, fellow bloggers??
I can't type, can't concentrate, all I can think about is tomorrow and what I may or may not eat. I work, and at work are so many food options, it's TERRIBLE.
I have been looking at some incredible thinspo today, and let me tell you, I need to be that. I am sick of this. . .
1 comment:
to answer your question about sugar being fattening: it is. i can't remember exactly why, but my mom is a food scientist and she said in most of the 'low fat' foods, they just replace the fat with sugar, and ultimately, that can be more harmful. there is nothing wrong with fat. your body needs fat. reduced calorie is the most important thing.
anway, i enjoyed this last blog :) i can relate to a lot of it (particularly the bit about black yoga pants)
<3
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