Take me away

I hate how everyone in my family has an eating disorder. My mom binge eats, eats fast, eats out of the box, eats late at night. My dad only eats certain foods, mostly junk foods. He eats out of the box. He stops at the store a few times a week and comes back with chips or full size candy bars. I resent the hell out of both of them. My brother doesn't ever eat at home, he "eats out" all the time, he's skinny and slowly becoming a vegetarian. I'll hate myself forever if I influenced him negatively.

(Brace Yourself)

I hate myself for caring so much about my body. I hate myself for staring in the mirror so many times a day. I hate how I judge myself for eating. I hate how late at night I start developing these irrational plans to go out and order an entire pizza, to be eaten alone, in my car. I'm sick in the fucking head.

I hate how "family dinners" are a joke around here. The stupid fucking television HAS to be on, no one talks, my parents eat fast, my brother and I eat slow. It's ridiculous and I fucking hate sitting at that stupid fucking goddamn table.

I hate weighing myself. I hate that I was down 4 pounds yesterday and back up 3 today. I hate how many times a day I need to use the bathroom after drinking coffee. I hate my flabby arms and chunky thighs and stomach bulge and chin fat and disgusting ass.

I hate how my hair falls out. I hate how my skin is SO sensitive. I hate how my toenails need to be repainted. I hate myself for being such a desperate, pathetic, needy, loser. I hate myself for fucking shit up for myself. I hate the fact that I want to be in love but am too scared to try. I hate how I act out in public...talk about walls in place and boundaries constructed. I put on my mean face so no one looks at me or can touch me. They do anyways...they always look. I've been getting a lot of looks lately. Maybe because I'm getting thinner, maybe because others can sense my fear and self loathing.

~~~~~~~~

Day 1 at my new job. As far as I know, it's just "paperwork"...but he said it would take 2 hours. Please don't let them drug test me. I smoked last night, I'll fail.

I'll fail again.

(and again).

Think Thin!


Xo
Sar

Shrink(ing)

Where do I start? So much has been happening, I guess that's the curse of only writing occasionally. I have to leave shit out so this doesn't turn into a novel.

Today I attended an "intake session" at a local mental services clinic.

It's not something I can speak freely about here, even though I'm sure it's clear to everyone in my family that I'm batty as hell. I didn't tell anyone that I went today. It was hard, it IS hard to go talk about what hurts and what's bothering me. A lot bothers me.

My "reasons" include PTSD (the fire), family "problems", substance abuse, and an eating disorder. Yes, I placed a check next to that box (endless paperwork-ugh!). This does not mean that I will "work on" that particular issue. I just thought they should know that I have a messed up relationship with food, but I whole-heartedly believe that my other "problems" should come first. Perhaps in healing my mind I will find peace. With eating and everything. That'd be good, but do I have the dedication? My fear of commitment holds me back, but I have to try this. I need to be normal.

I unfortunately don't go back for a week. Another endless week with unlimited opportunities to self-sabotage and self-destruct. I do both so well.

Oh, and I quit my job on Friday. The next day I got hired somewhere else. I haven't started yet, but it's something.

I know, I know...see why I need to go talk to someone? I'm freaking out, man! My mood is all over the place.

I have been messing around with that hot J. I told you about (a few weeks ago). He doesn't live around here, but he's been home several weekends. No sex, just hot and heavy making out/grinding up/touching/getting physical. He's rough. He pushed me against the garage and it was so hot. He is into S&M, I can tell. Well, so am I, apparently. My body gets so warm when I remember the sexiness of it all. He's extremely hard to read though. And, um, we only see each other when drinking and partying. So we haven't technically been sober around each other (unless you count the mornings after or a few emails sent during the day).

At one point we were making out on this mattress (I know how ghetto that sounds, we were in our friend's house) and I pulled away; he roughly pushed me and I glared at him as I did it back. Kissing again. Pull away, slow things down, calm yourself. Then our mouths find each other, like magnets. And his hands cover my body and my bones. And I feel his sexy hip bones with my fingers, rubbing them gently, and then with a little aggression. And we're kissing, and breathing our hot breath on each other's necks and faces, and he's talking dirty to me. I want to fuck you so hard, so bad. You're so fucking gorgeous, I want you, I'm so hard, Touch me...

I want him so bad it's driving me mad...

...

*

Think thin!!

Xo

Sar

*

I can't hear my heart

Another day, another dollar. My new job is fine. It is a 7-day a week gig for the next however many weeks. Tomorrow will be my fourth day in a row. My arms already look toned. I have a slight tan. My nose is (unfortunately) a little pink. Damn sun, or lack thereof, which was the case on this overcast, cold day. I still got some color. I'm sure you've guessed; I work outside with flowers, plants and vegetables.

I work with a DILF. Every day this week. Yeaya. So many men in my life and yet I'm single. I need it this way. No time for a relationship. I want love but not bad enough to try and look for it. I don't mind working with M. (the dilf), he is nice and helpful. Like most men tend to be around me.

What? I'm feeling a little cocky today. I don't like my eyebrows though, they're annoying me right now.

I'm so high and just popped half a muscle relaxer. I'm going to hopefully sleep great. I could use it. My body is feeling it. And soon to be looking it.

I'm so happy to have a job and especially one that allows me to stay so active. This is basically what I needed, some tough labor to show me what's up. I sat around far too long whining Wahh I can't get a job, I'm so depressed, and fat. Blah blah.

Not anymore. I will succeed at this job. I will do my best. I will make money. Honey.

It's funny, just lifting my arm just now hurt. A little. I guess this is what it feels like to burn some serious calories while toning and strengthening oneself. Mmmm.

I can't wait to be thinner. Today my mom said, You should weigh yourself, To see if you lose weight at this job.

Uh, ok, sure Mom. Great idea, actually. But I already weighed myself today. (I didn't tell her that).

She's manipulative, I wonder where I get it.

I try to bend people and places and thoughts. I try to make things go my way. I strive to be in control of any given situation.

You're probably glad we don't hang out.

Lol, yeah right! We'd party, yo.

Or just stand or walk in the park and talk about our weight. That seems a little more likely. I read a lot of blogs, some like mine, others not so much.

I read "healthy living" blogs often. The writers sometimes describe "blogger meetups". There is always food involved. They meet up at a restaurant and talk and eat. 

I hate eating in front of strangers, hate. It's impossible to talk without worrying about food in my teeth or the sound of me chewing or food on my face or me spitting food out, etc. I'm a freak. An anxious, manipulative freak.

Oh well. At least I'm thin.
Fed Up said it right: being thin is something millions of people wish they could be. We've got it though. We've done it. What so many want is ours, mine, yours.

It turns me on, it really does.

Think thin.

Xo

Sar

A chance

Ok, let's try this again: I GOT A JOB! And I start tomorrow at eight in the freakin' morning. Go me.

In other news, I"m skinny but bloated because it's that time of month. Intake has been decent. Sometimes, like last night, I look down and can't believe how thin I feel. I view my thinness through detached eyes. I am the thinnest of all my friends, and yet it's not enough for me. Why can't I be thinner than everyone in the world? Ok, that's a silly thought. I don't want to look like a starving Ethiopian. I just want to be perfectly thin and lovely. Is that too much to ask for? If only food wasn't necessary to survive...

So far today I've had one cup of coffee, and about two sips of this nasty strawberry smoothie my brother made. Luckily he told me that it was made with whole milk. Upon hearing that, I poured it down the drain. No one saw me do it. I'm sorry but I don't do full fat dairy if I can help it. It's fucking disgusting to me. Almond milk all the way, baby!

I've been taking walks and trying to move around a lot. This new job will require me to stay active and on my feet; I'll burn calories and I'll even be outside a little bit, which will make me tan, which will make me look thinner. WIN!

How are you guys doing? I love how were all in this together. This thing called life. The starvation diets, the fasts, the restriction, the weighing, the mirror-checks, the obsessive thoughts...ahhh :) It's all good as long as were not alone.

Well, just wanted to tell you the good news! I have to finish getting ready and drive over there so they can copy my driver's license and social security card for tax purposes. Then I'm going to return a purse and do a little shopping, to celebrate! Then hopefully some happy hour drinks with my friends! I won't be staying out late tonight! I'm excited, you guys, I really am. I NEED this to work out. Pray for me. Or, cross your bony fingers.

THINK THIN!!!!!!****

<3 Sar

Peter Cottontail

I survived Easter. My family treats any holiday as a chance to binge on various fattening foods. I gazed around the table after we ate; I viewed their bloated discomfort, full but overly-satisfied grimaces, how they'd lean back in the chair to put as much space between tummy and pant waistband as possible... Gross. Thankfully no one unbuttoned their pants.

Here's what I ate: mashed potatoes, corn, asparagus, coleslaw, a roll (with butter!), some black olives, this pineapple cottage cheese salad and a spoonful of applesauce. Water to drink. Dessert was a slice of vanilla frosted "bunny cake"... AKA gross fat buttery shortening, white flour, sugar, empty calorie deliciousness. My dinner portions were small-ish. I could have done worse.

I had a cup of black coffee and felt my digestive system speed the fuck up. Hey, every little bit helps.

After our dysfunctional dinner, I left to go get high with my bff. It was relaxing.

I just got home and ate chocolate. I'm freaking out, but I did my sideways mirror check thing and feel almost satisfied. My ribs waved to me, my hip bones stood at attention. I'm still hungry...

Phew.

I really overdid it today, but tomorrow will be a fresh start. I'm already planning to take a walk down to the library to return some books and magazines I checked out the other week. A walk at a brisk pace will be refreshing and aerobic. Can't wait.

Ugh. So much has been going on and I've been a bad blogger. It's funny because I'm so quick to tell people that I'm a writer.

God, what a fraud I am.

Think thin.

XO
~Sar~

Sticks and stones may break my bones

I think I'm a masochist. I know I am.

Why else would I deny myself pleasure?

Last night I hooked up with a supersexy guy that I've known for a few weeks. He wanted to go all the way; I was so turned on, I was trembling in his strong arms. But I wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't. I throw excuses like baseballs. So no sex for Sar. Just hot flashbacks and the knowledge that we will probably pick up where we left off SOON. I hope.

Damn.

I'm in a Lull + Pics of me

My clothes are getting baggy. I actually dry my jeans, before I'd be too worried about drying/shrinking them. I've been doubling up, wearing tank tops under shirts and knee socks under jeans or 2 thick hoodies, because I'm cold. All. The. Time.

Today: 2 cups of coffee, black [0]. 2 slices of whole wheat toast with "I can't believe it's not butter" [190]. I've emptied my insides out into the porcelain fountain (no, not purging; the other). I feel empty.

I am so anxious. I am so out of it. I am pacing around, lifting my shirt, staring at my stomach, staring at my hip bones. Ohgod, my hip bones. I do love them, I always touch them.

Thanks for asking about my job. Here's a truth: I quit after two days. My boss was a sexist pig; he is 80 years old and the generational gap screamed vulgarities. He thought he could continually point out (in front of others) how young, pretty, and cute I am. It made me sick. Not because I don't believe him, but because that is just fucking rude. I thought I was hired for my intelligence, but it turns out, he wanted me there for my looks alone, because he thought I'd be able to "represent" the company. Fuck that. So I quit.

I know. It's ridiculous. And it fucking sucks. So needless to say, I am once again, unemployed. I went on a interview yesterday at a local grocery center. It went well but I haven't heard anything.

Luckily, my parents are understanding and haven't kicked me out on my pathetic ass yet.
Luckily, I have enough self-knowledge and self-respect to know when I need to stand up for myself. I do not regret quitting, I just wish so much it would have worked out. It didn't. So that's that.

I have not heard another word from T. Last Saturday was obviously just a fluke, a drunken dial. Silly me got my hopes up. It's been an emotionally draining week. I am ready to just see my friends and get drunk so I can put this all behind me.

I hope everyone is doing well. Here's two pics of me from today. Please click on them for a better view.

Sorry for the poor quality, I took them on a whim as I was getting dressed.

After looking at these again, I'm realizing just how fat I really am, and how far I still have to go to look good.

I'm disgustingly huge and I need to shrink my stomach.

Think Thin*

Xo

Sar

Butterflies instead of food in my stomach

I've been avoiding you again. So much has been happening; the idea of "forcing" myself to sit down and write just hasn't been appealing lately. It's Sunday night. My first day of full-time work starts tomorrow, bright and early. It's going to be a big change. Change is necessary and a reliable constant in all of our lives. Knowing that won't ease the fear, though.

I need to get to bed in the next hour so I can function tomorrow. Do I not sound excited about this?

I am happy and thankful for work, especially full-time. Monday through Friday. 8 in the morning to 4:30 in the afternoon. I can do this. The job is actually in my field. Imagine that, a job pertaining to my college major. In my area. And I got it, I really fucking got the job. They were impressed with me (their words, not mine).

I can't update with confidence until after tomorrow. I need to see how this is going to go. I am NERVOUS but EXCITED and I've been eating my feelings this weekend. Isn't that gross?

Needless to say, I'm feeling a little tubby. That will change as quickly as possible, obviously. I can't live like this. I need to restrict and occasionally fast. I need to TONE UP. I need to exercise more. I need to NOT EAT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT. Today's intake was normal, but I still feel so...disgusting. I suppose a lot of it has to do with my state of mind.

I have to tell you something. If you're a long time reader this initial will seem familiar: T.

T. texted me last night. He is in College Town still, he graduates in a month. We haven't seen each other or talked in ages. Out of the blue I get this message from him, of course my heart flipped upside down and my face flushed and I couldn't breathe or respond or articulate exactly what I was feeling to anyone, let alone myself. He has such an affect on me. My first thought? He still has my phone number.


The "reason" for his text was that he was apparently at a bar and there was a girl that looked like me, my "doppleganger". So he was compelled to reach out and we texted some simple flirty nothings back and forth for a bit. Approximately 22 messages (yes I counted) were sent all together.

I haven't heard from him today (OBVIOUSLY SAR) but I just had to mention it to you.

I DON'T NEED A DISTRACTION, DAMMIT.

God, but I still love him. I'd do anything for him. He probably doesn't know, so don't tell him, k?
(Do I sound crazy?)

FUCK. fuck. FUCK.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I need to end this. I will start posting more regularly I HOPE since I will be in a routine. Wish me luck, I'm shaking in my shoes.

Think thin, pretty people.

Xo
Sar

I'm thrilled!

I GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


and*

It's almost 5 pm and I haven't ate anything.

FUCKING WIN!

Think Thin!!

Xo ~ (a very happy) Sar

My signal

I am way too excited right now. It's quarter to two in the morning and I'm wired. I am smoking a bowl to try and calm down. I am listening to R. Kelly "Ignition" ha! Ok, here's why: my date went great :)

K. is awesome. He is funny. kind, chivalrous, tall, adorable, and I could probably go on and on but I won't because I refuse to put my eggs all in one basket. So to speak. So she says.

For real, I am smiling all big still and shaky. We just had a perfect date. We started off by meeting at Starbucks for a hot bevarage. I chose green tea and he got coffee (black) (an ana boy? perhaps, he's thin). We had great conversation. I somehow mentioned that I was thinking of going to visit a friend at the Hard Rock Cafe. He wanted to come with. Lol. And that's what happened. We sat and talked a bit longer, I said, "you ready to get out of here?" and he said, "yes.". We walked to my car. He opened my door and held it open. He closed it shut once I was in. (Swooning). He walked to his truck and got in. We drove about 25 minutes.

At the H.R.C., we had two drinks. They were strong. (A lot of drinking on this date). We talked more. My ex B. was serving us, it wasn't awkward though. I admitted B. was my ex to K. after K. told me that he just got out of a 5 year relationship two months ago. Cue silent Sar.

But it was fine. He seemed fine. We talked about it briefly and then moved on. On the first date? you're probably thinking... Yes. Well, yes.

Hang on, I need to schmoke. Ok, back. Feeling a little more mellow.

Anyway. After the bar we went outside and walked by the water. It was beautiful for lack of a better word. We walk perfectly next to one another.

Get this: I wore heeled clogs. I never wear heels, usually because the guy is my height or a little shorter or taller. But tonight next to K. I was small.

Just what I've always wanted.

*Sighs*

Life. Is. So. Weird.

((hit))

I have been doing very well with my food intake. I do not need to worry anymore about eating a million calories in one sitting, of this, I'm positive. The need to binge is gone because the need for thin is stronger and louder. I'm thinkin' thin daily. Are you??

Thanks for your comments on my last post... I seriously love each and every one of you. And I'm not just saying it because I'm happy. I'm saying it because it's true. It's really fucking true.

Peace!

Xo Sar

Oh yeah. P.S. I mean. I have a job interview tomorrow at some company in [insert local big city here]. It is not the one I mentioned last time (Michael Kors). We'll see if I get one of these. Jeez louise. Xo

First Date

I have a date tonight! I met K. last Friday, and we're finally getting together! I am a little excited...not going to lie. Also! I went to a job fair yesterday and was interviewed by a woman who manages the local Michael Kors!! PLEASE keep your fingers crossed, I need this job!!!!

Last night I binged (slightly) on cheetos (gag) and chocolate (double gag). Luckily my overall intake was normal.

Think thin!!!

Xo Sar

Prisoner

March is almost over. April 5th will be one year since the fire. What has changed in my life? How is my body looking today compared to one year ago?

The answers lie within. Hidden and blocked. My body is a testament to my strength and discipline. It will be a lifelong endeavor, keeping this up.

It's my mission and I won't fail.

And yet. I feel strongly that my capabilities are limited. I rarely believe I can do it. Oddly enough, I fear failure so I fear success. Because what comes after riches and many monetary accompaniments? Emptiness. Withdrawal. Non-committal perspective.

I long to be fulfilled but sometimes I confuse myself with the desire to eat, as if food will do anything other than make me sick. 

I wish I had more confidence. I can fake it, but it's not real and true.

It's a falsity! It's a lie! It's a mirror mask, and you are me! We all die inside, knowing that we're all the same. Striving for identity has become this all-consuming task. 

I'm done. 

I refuse to feel sorry for poor little me. I am privileged. I feel like a prisoner.

A job does not equal a person. I am not my (proverbial) job. I am not my lack thereof. I am SAR, dammit, and I need to not care what you think.

I feel this crazy pressure from my parents to work. I tell people I'm unemployed with a heavy shame to my voice. I think of myself as less. I question my tactics...I bought "What color is your parachute?" and read one chapter. I fail at failing.

*

*

*

Deep breath. 

*

*

*

I met a man. He is K.

K. is nice, tall, works, and has a car. This is what I know after two (kind of long) phone conversations. He actually called, like an old-fashioned gentleman (gasp!), and we chatted. It was nice.

We will get coffee this week. I don't know how I feel about breaking my no-dating-until-a-job rule. Actually, I break rules every day so why would I even concern myself with such nonsense?

Hope everyone is staying strong. I was given the Versatile Blogger Award. For now, I'll refer you back to 10 Things About Me. You know I prefer a little anonymity.

Think thin. Always.

I want this body.

I can have it.

So can you.

So we will.

Xo Sar

I screwed up + Bikini thinspo

I just ate soo many chips. I feel sick. What is wrong with me? Oh yeah...disordered eater REPRESENT! It's not funny, it's serious, Sar. God, you're sick. When I say "so many" I mean about 1000 calories worth. I want to puke but I won't. Puking is weak. I'M the one that binged, therefore I SUFFER!!!!!!!!

I was feeling so pretty and thin last weekend, I even had sex, finally. I broke my year-long dry spell. I fucked my best friend's brother. I used to have the biggest crush on him when we were all younger and so much more innocent. He is THIN but SO BUILT. He's in the army. He's super hot and was able to pleasure me. We were going strong for about an hour. I woke up in his bed, naked. My hands cupped my hip bones. I got up when he went to the bathroom and stared at my reflection in his mirror. I liked what I saw.

That was then, this is now. And I'm FAT!!!!!

I just don't understand/I just don't get it/why does food have power over me/why am I so dumb?


I still am not working (surprised?). I read last night that the average time spent unemployed in America is now 21 weeks...aka over 5 months...


I'm not going to go crazy

I'm not going to lose it

I'm not going to go crazy

I'm not going to lose it

I'm not

I'm not

I'm not crazy...

Yes I am.

Crazy for thin bodies.

I need to get my GAME FACE on. I need to hop on the treadmill and work the fuck out to BURN THESE STUPID FUCKING CALORIES! Problem is, I'm too shy to work out when people are in the house, so I'm waiting for my younger brother to go to work. I feel like everyone is on to me. I'm so fucking paranoid.

Think thin*



Please let me not be fat like her:

Yes, she's pretty and everything. Cute shoes.

I'm just saying that I don't look like that (yet).

I'd PREFER this: 

Xo ~ Sar

P.S. Stay strong today and everyday, think thin ALWAYS, and please remember: nothing tastes as good as *thin* feels :)

If it wasn't for the birds

Sometimes all I can do is lift my shirt, turn sideways, suck in, and stare at my bones in the mirror. It satisfies my narcissism. It's not that I think I'm beautiful...it's the opposite really. Oh, who am I kidding? I DO think I look good. So sue me.

I really can rock the look though: the black v-neck short-sleeved shirt with sexy, fitted jeans, a cool necklace and a fierce facial expression. It's no coincidence that I used to want to model. (I know). I keep telling myself that looks fade, because they do. Like that's going to help me, I'm in too deep and I don't know how to swim.

Just kidding, I actually can swim. It's a great work out! So is the treadmill on a steep incline at a fast pace with arms pumping and sweat dripping off my flushed face.

I did it two days in a row, and had to stop because I injured my neck head-banging too hard at a concert the other night. Ha. I love music. I love dancing (another great workout). I love BEING EXTREME!!

Enough small talk, there's a reason I've been avoiding you. A few reasons, actually. Here they are, and no, I'm not going into detail at this time.

(1) I hooked up with my best friend's brother, again. He has been ignoring me ever since.

(2) That job that I was soo excited about? The one I bought the expensive business suit for? Well, it turned out to be a scam. I am another one of the millions of Americans getting fooled by the internet. Damn you careerbuilder.com and your SHITTY, FALSE job postings!!!

(3) I painted my nails black and they look great!! (a little happiness amongst the negativity).

(4) I made out with my ex-boyfriend, John, the other day and he's been on my mind ever since. He stays there like he lives there. We've been on and off and back and forth for YEARS. He's no good for me, and I highly doubt we'll end up together, but I love him still.

(5) OK, why am I making this list again? I'm distracted. I'm incoherent at this point. Here's why~I just swallowed a pill. Yes, a pill. A. P.i.l.l. A hydrocodone, lol.

Why, you ask? Because of my neck. I already told you I fucked it up, why the fuck else would I pop a pill that someone illegally obtained a prescription for to sell me? Well, to get fucked up. Besides that. My neck.

Ahem.

I just wanted to update. I'm unemployed (still) but my outlook is sunnier. I am making moves. I am not giving up.

OH YEAH. (This should be on the above list).

Earlier today, after I got home from a little...transaction, my brother calls me to the basement door because of a weird, smoky, gaseous smell coming from down there. My parents were at work so it was just us.

You all know what happened next...I freaked out (somewhat silently), dialed 911 (they instructed us to leave the house), ran upstairs (because I swear to you that I thought our home was on fire), grabbed my cat and shoved him in his carrier, ran downstairs into my room and grabbed my purse, ran outside with my brother and waited for the help. My heart was racing and I was visibly shaking.

We live by a fire hall and the alarm went off, then the fire chief showed up (lights flashing), and then a huge fire truck came. There were men going in and out the house with walkie talkies and propane level checkers or something...suddenly someone with a orange cone and an orange vest was out front directing traffic around the trucks...it was all a bit dramatic.

Turns out, a bird flew down our chimney, into the basement, into the furnace, got stuck and then cooked.

Yes, you read that right. We fried an innocent little bird in this house. By accident, of course. It was shocking and jarring but I felt prepared. Probably because I've been dreaming about calling 911 and dreaming about fleeing houses and dreaming about what to do in the event of another life-threatening emergency. Today was not life-threatening. I feared the worst but it was ok. I was ok.

That's big. I've been suffering through PTSD after my apartment fire (see entries from April 2010) and I've been crying a lot. The events of the day showed me that I CAN stay "calm" in an emergency, I CAN do it, I CAN be strong.

I have the will to live.

*Sighs*

And I'm damn glad.

***************

I hope you've all been thinking thin. I have! It's been great! I did binge a little bit the other night on some sweets, but we all fuck up, don't we?

*THINK FREAKING THIN OK???????

& BE STRONG!*

Peace on Earth.

Xo

Sar

Never is a promise

A lot can change in a few days. I'm sitting here, full, because I ate a half of vegetable sub with mozzarella but no dressing. It was good. Just very filling. I also ate an apple. It's almost five in the evening.

Here's some good news: on Thursday I went to an interview at a more respectable, professional company. They liked me, and I go back on Monday for a day of "shadowing" a junior consultant. The dress is "business professional". For those unfamiliar, it means I wear a suit. A fucking suit. Can you imagine? Me? A suit?

So today I went shopping and bought a dress suit, heels, hose, and 2 nice dress shirts for underneath. My Lord is this real?? I am nervous and excited. Wish me luck. This could be my big break into the career world. This could be me turning into a money-making, company car driving, grown up. Watch out, Oprah.

Yesterday, my ex-bf "B" called. He's getting married. I cried when he told me. You remember him, last year around this time we started talking again, and made out one drunken night. But now things are different, and he has a fiancée, so you know what? That's great. Good for him. I don't know if it'll work out for them but who the fuck am I to judge? I am certainly not a relationship expert. Lord knows my relationships have all failed, possibly due to my neurotic eccentricities, but maybe not. Maybe it's all just fate. That's comforting.

Tonight is a big night. 11 friends and I will be jam-packed into a limo for a night out on the town! Were getting drunk, yup! I just need to NOT overdue it, I need to be in tiptop shape for Monday.

I hope you all are well, and staying strong. Don't give up on thin, it's honestly within your grasp.

The suit I bought is a size 6. I don't know if that's good or bad but I feel ok with it. I feel like I've been working harder on getting thinner and now I need to sit back and revel a little bit in my effort. That DOES NOT mean get lazy. Oh hell no. I need to obviously KEEP IT UP, but it's not a mad dash at this point. It's a freaking lifestyle that I have embraced, and it's just going to always be this way. It has to be, because I'd never be happy any fatter than this. Never.

Thin wins :]

Xo


[Sar]