Drunk off one beer

It's 9:30 on a Friday night and I'm doing some of my favorite things...laying low at home in comfy clothes, listening to music, smoking a bowl. Tonight I'm actually having a beer as well. Picked up a 4pack of Dream Patch fruited sours. Delish! 

I wouldn't consider drinking alcohol one of my favorite things these days as I rarely do it. I still keep track in my agenda notebook, as I have for years. For an entire year now I've drank on average twice a month. As opposed to most of the month. It feels great to have cut back on alcohol!! My weed intake is out of control though.

I got a raise this week. And a bonus. Me and bae bought plane tickets. We travel a lot. This time it's where I want to go. Lol, where else but Florida. Gulf side this time! I just love the beach. I think about the ocean a lot. Also, the moon is going to be full when we're there! I love things like that. When it all lines up. 

But NOTHING goes according to plan. Each day I struggle to get out of bed. I yearn to stay down, and under the covers. Once I'm up I talk myself into each next step. The pull back to bed is magnetic. The draw to the darkness is relentless. Most of the time, the day carries on predictably. Sometimes I plan to do something, and it doesn't happen. Or I don't consider it for one second, and then end up doing that very thing. It's like that for us all! That's life! But when you apply it long term, you have to weigh out the odds. On one hand you can plan, on the other Life interferes. How much control do we have? I want so much. I have ideas for life. But how many will play out? What may occur? Why worry now? Because I worry about fucking everything

*slow down. take a sip of beer*

*hit pipe*

Lately, my older sister has been confiding in me. I feel like her equal in a way. I carry her burdens. My older brother also recently confided in me. It appears we are all on the same page. Something is up with our mother.

I am so used to be alone. I thrive alone. Thrive, really, is that the word I would use to describe this day to day existence of mine? I am working. I am maintaining a relationship. I struggle. I question everything. I put things off and distance myself. I say I have friends to keep up appearances. The truth is that I really don't have a good friend. Sure, I have people. There are girls I can text if I want or need. Will they be there 100%? No. I do not have that in a friend. 

Some might say that no friend can ever give 100%. I'd agree. I used it as a figure of speech, to inform you that I long for it. I read about these beautiful female friendships in women's fiction. God, I get so envious. How amazing would it be to have a tightknit circle, or one or two close confidants. I used to have that. These days I have my therapist, myself, my boyfriend, and my other vice: the internet. I can talk to my siblings to a very certain extent. I am used to being an island by now. 

For the record, I'm doing amazing with my commitment to the gym. I have gone with my man every week without missing. It feels great! I know once a week is child's play, but to build a habit sometimes baby steps are needed. I have been eating kinda bad though. I've had an absolute WEAKNESS for sugar and chocolate. Since the holidays pretty much. Then Valentine's day. And now Easter candy is everywhere. 

I shouldn't even be drinking beer, as it's so high in calories, but since it's such a rare treat I'm going to enjoy the fuck out of it. I might have a second..

**

Just cracked open a second beer. It's all good. It's Friday night! My man is at his sports league. I love these Friday nights where I can just do me. We will see each other tomorrow. Things with us are pretty good. We're in love but we definitely fight a lot. But we talk it out. We are trying to figure out a way to coexist. I will say, he checks off all the boxes. More than that, we have fun. I have seen so many shows with him. We've been all over. And now this Florida trip. We're going to CO in the fall. He knows I want kids. He does too. We're just living for today. Neither of us is afraid to talk about the future though. 

The weird thing about having this blog is being able to read my old writing. Parts of my adult life are cataloged here. For better or worse. Some of the old posts are cringe as hell. Some of them blow my mind with their wisdom and strength. It's me. But I've changed.

I was going to write how I've changed, but I don't have the energy. This post is getting too long and I've been rambling the entire time. I just want you to know, sometimes I wish I could go back and do better. It makes me sad that I would hook up with guys and then blame them for "using me". Why didn't I realize how much control I had? Why did I act so naïve and vulnerable? If only I could go back and be stronger, better. 

But I can't. I can only be here, now. Alone at my kitchen table. Drinking my beer. Listening to music. Maybe I'll get cozy and watch something on TV. Maybe I'll scroll reddit til my eyes blur.

I miss old me. I miss someone I can't even remember. 

The person I am these days seems kind of dull. Drinking less - yay. Going to shows - whoop de doo. Working - who isn't? 

I need a real hobby. I should try to be more interesting. My mental health is not a personality. 

Once again ending a post on a somber note.

Does anyone else beat themselves up over everything? 

For me it's a constant, loud (silent) voice critiquing and correcting my every move. 

Love and peace. 

xo Sar

Writing makes you think, reading makes you feel less alone

It's Saturday. I told my bf that I need a day to myself. So far all I've done is read. I finished "Wish you were here" by Jodi Picoult in 3 days. My eyes hurt but it was so damn good. I love any book that takes place by the beach. It was a really interesting story. I bought this book in Boulder, CO in December but waited to read it for a few months while I finished what I was reading prior. Didn't expect to love it as much as I did so I'm chalking the whole thing up as a win.

My head hurts. I need to grocery shop, clean, and shower. But all I'm doing is sitting on my ass. We were away last weekend, so it's good to be home. My cat is napping, and even though I slept 11 hours, I'm tempted to join. I won't though. I'm going to hop in the shower very soon. I gotta make something of this day. Me and my K. are planning to spend the day together tomorrow. 

I called my mom today and she actually answered. We had a decent talk. I am guarded talking to her, and I feel that she is aware of the wall between us. It's been this way for a long time, perhaps it's always been this way. 

There have been times when I let the wall down, and opened up, and showed intense emotion. And maybe every so often she'd say the right thing. But most times her response lacks warmth and empathy. She will turn it back to her, and her life. I eventually learned to be careful in being too honest. Because it takes a lot of bravery for me to be vulnerable. When I find the courage to deeply open up about my fear or source of pain, and her response is brief or colder than I hoped,  it hurts all the more. 

When I choose to confide the true root of an issue that my heart yearns to be supported with, when I ask for help, when I choose to let someone further inside, when I dare to voice the unspeakable, when I detach myself from the front facing façade... I need the person to care. I hope the person will care. I hope the person realizes that I am giving them something I don't give many people. The chance to see me, the chance to know me, the chance to help me. I thought parents wanted to help their kids. I thought moms were supposed to want their daughters. But she tends to act like she doesn't care that much. In our family, there's so many kids, and only the two of them. We get pieces of each other. Sometimes it feels like I only get crumbs.

On that happy note, I'm gonna stop writing this entry.

Have a great day, all.

Mi madre

It's 7:15PM on my mom's birthday and I couldn't give a damn. I worked today, it was busy as fuck. I had to leave early to get my dental crown fitting. (Had a root canal a few weeks ago). It took forever! It sucked! I hate the dentist! It took nearly 45 minutes to get home and then I had to finish a few things for work. I called her around 5:30PM. Her and my dad moved to AZ, not sure if I mentioned that. She didn't answer my call but texted me that they were getting food. Ok then. I was hoping to get the call out of the way so I could continue on with my night. But no, they're eating dinner at 2:30PM. *rolls eyes*

I said "Enjoy!" and prepared some dinner for myself. Roasted cauliflower, BBQ tofu. With water to drink. I haven't felt right today, minor cold symptoms and tired of the rat race. I bust my ass at work to a point of overwhelming stress. I neglect duties around the house so that I can sit around after work and surf the web. With lots of weed obv. 

To be fair, I've cut back a lot. I used to smoke way more. I still smoke daily, or have a gummy, but the quantity is less. I've also pretty much stopped drinking.

Where was I even going with this? I'm in a low mood, due to feeling a sense of dread about getting on the phone with my mom. I have documented quite a big in this blog about the emotional damage they've done. I just want to relax but feel on the edge that she'll be calling back any moment. My head is pounding again.

More later.

***

Update - 11:00PM. She never called back. Ignored by my mom on her birthday. I guess I wasn't the only one who didn't want to talk but it doesn't feel great. 

Guess I'm going to go to bed. Getting closer to the weekend and Spring.

xo

I shall be released

It's been almost two years since my last post. I am in a different relationship, at a different job, in a different phase of life. I'd love to get you all caught up but I feel no real obligation to share the details. Life is swell, except for my mental health. The waves and lows of depressive episodes, relentless anxiousness, irrational fears, hypervigilance. The moments of pure and raw rage. Being triggered by seemingly everything. I'm tired. I've been actively engaged in biweekly therapy for a couple years (and sporadically over a lifetime). I'm willfully medicated and barely drinking alcohol. I think a lot. I want to think my way out of this. But maybe that's not the way?

Work keeps me busy, but I have the luxury of remote work four days per week. It's a blessing and a curse. I spend a lot of time alone. Working, yes. But also: pacing around, picking something up and setting it down in another room, talking to and laughing at and looking at my cat, reading random shit on the internet, overthinking, snacking.

Snacks galore anytime I like. I haven't put on weight but after a cold winter of being inside with all the food I feel squishy. I'm 131, a comfortable weight, comfortable enough to wear crop tops in the summer. However, this lifestyle is not healthy. Me and my man "K" are going to the gym tomorrow. We've spent quite a few nights getting ice cream. We've been dating for over a year and serious for at least six months by now. We love each other and I'm excited for this new activity.

When we met last year we both worked out at different gyms. Yep it's true, I had joined a gym on my own freewill in January 2022. It was much needed! But I only went a dozen times over the course of last year. Me and K. did a lot of walking and dancing at shows for exercise, and I eventually cancelled my membership ($50/month). We decided that we would be work out buddies quite awhile ago (lol). But you know how it gets.

Anyway, tomorrow starts a healthier routine. My weight is ok but I want to get in shape. Going with him will hopefully be a great incentive. It already feels easier to know I'm not going alone. It was hard holding myself accountable and I wasn't good about going regularly. I also hope this improves my mental health. I still suffer deeply under the weight of my demons. I still have nightmares. I have a lot of old feelings that want to be felt, which pop out at inopportune times. I have a lot to work on. I have a lot to release. 

I miss this part of me. Writing and documenting in this humble blog.

Hope all is well with you. Xo.

I don't even know where to begin

Good morning! It's Monday at *checks clock* noon, so "good morning" isn't accurate. Good afternoon! I am sitting in my apartment, at my desk, typing away at my laptop. The cat is in the window next to me. My coffee cup is ready for a refill. *gets up for a refill* Ok I am back. Does it seem like I'm procrastinating? 

It's hard to admit, let alone share with others, but I got fired two weeks ago.

An hour later. Am I ready to face myself? Can I write about this? The cat has moved to a spot on the floor. The coffeemaker is empty and unplugged. Sipping on the last half a cup. Listening to "The Fear" by The Shins.

So, let me back up. I wasn't happy at my job. It started out well, but the last few months haven't been the best. I was frustrated by the review and miniscule raise I received. It was a big adjustment when we were forced back to the office full time after WFH with hardly any notice. The culture, atmosphere, and employee morale were insufferable. It was noisy and unorganized. I updated my resume and began plotting my escape. I wanted to move on, but I wanted to wait until I'd been there at least one year. I would fall two months short of that goal...

To paraphrase a long annoying story, I requested to continue working from home part of the time back in May when they made us give up our hybrid schedules. They were receptive but did not give me a firm answer. I went in everyday and did my job and paid for daily parking. Not paying for parking was such an awesome perk of working from home. One of many!

Three weeks later I followed up, and still had no yes or no, just a wishy-washy "we don't know yet".  Meanwhile, coworkers across all levels were working from home and rumors were flying about preferential treatment. 

Another week goes by and I decided to follow up with someone higher up. No answer, just more B.S. A week later, I emailed them early in the morning and said I wasn't feeling the best and planned to work from home. An hour into my workday they told me to take a sick day. Two days later they let me go for violating policy by working from home.

It's been a struggle. I knew I was technically playing with fire by declaring my day a work from home day. But after covid, and seeing coworkers working from home without issue, and never getting a solid answer to my request after nearly two months, and just all the day to day toxicity, all of that and more... overwhelmed me so I acted. I made a choice. So did they. Because not giving someone an answer is an answer in itself. I felt disrespected which made me care less.

There are more painful details, but I hesitate to get into it too deeply here. I cannot live in the past. I have felt shock, anger, hurt, confusion, relief, sadness, pain, uncertainty, a sense of loss, depression, anxiety, and a sense of getting what I wanted, just not in the way I wanted it.

I wanted to be out of there. I was looking for other jobs. And they fucking fired me. 

Edit - it's been over an hour and I still haven't finished or published this post. I'm just not able to focus right now.

I'll be back.

The Squirming Coil

Good morning and happy Sunday! Oh how I love the weekend and being off work. My job stresses me out, and depending on the time of month, I get serious about quitting. Pretty sure I have PMDD, a cyclical mood occurring before my period starts. A week or two before my period I become more miserable, moody, anxious, and depressed. I feel like: quitting my job, dumping my boyfriend, deleting friends and family who annoy me from social media, selling/throwing out all my possessions, and moving. Lol. It's pretty dramatic. Like clockwork, my boyfriend and I fight. 

But today I am bleeding and happy. Those crazy feelings really seem to cease when my period begins. It's wild. A few more days til vacay! I can't wait! In the meantime, I've been keeping lists and shopping and cleaning and packing and daydreaming! The ocean calls me!! I am answering the call.

I really should find a focus for this blog. I feel like I'm all over the place here. But I guess it doesn't matter. This is my outlet. Blogger has been here for me since 2008.

Let me back up a bit, and start over. It's Sunday. I am drinking coffee and about to blaze. I relish this feeling of freedom. Me and my man are getting together later. He always sleeps a bit later than me, so I'll get a call in the next hour I'd guess. We're pretty predictable. We are falling in love. We are days away from our first ever romantic getaway as a couple. I really can't wait. Not just because I love where we're going, but because I love getting so much quality time with him, without distractions like work and life.

I do hope and kinda expect to marry this man. I've said this about nearly every man I've ever dated but it's different with him. He is my best friend. We laugh, and talk, and walk, and play music, and have similar interests but different hobbies which keeps it interesting. He is hot. I am still in disbelief that I have a boyfriend! After years of dickwads. Finally! He likes me! He loves me! He thinks I'm someone worth being with! He bought me flowers the other day! What the hell?! How did I get this lucky?! After alllllll the horrible mistakes I've made? Like I said.. disbelief. I wonder when that'll fade. 

I deserve it though, that's what I gotta remember. I deserve love and happiness, same as anyone. Same as you! We all do. 

Not everything is perfect of course. Our recent fight sucked. I am working on the fighting issues with my therapist. I look back on my life and see the pattern. Every relationship had fighting, mostly due to my out of control rage, and it always was a reason for it to end. I refuse to allow that to happen again but if it does it will be my greatest punishment. 

My therapist has been a godsend. Even though I have come so far, I have soooo far to go. My therapist always makes a comment like "It's good that you're aware" and my response is always "It's been a lifetime of this". I am sick of it. I want to be well.

Needless to say, for now things are good. We are excited for our trip and fun things happening this summer. I am ok with work, my home, my life. 

Do I look in the mirror and literally hate the way I look daily? Yes. But, I am working on that too. We live in a superficial society, unfortunately. That is just a fact. The older I get the more I compare myself to the younger beauties of this world. It's so stupid! I hate comparing myself and yet do it constantly. Weight, hair, skin, clothes, teeth, shoes, all of it. But looks don't matter, right! At least they fuckin shouldn't. But we all know they do. 

My goal is to find some sort of acceptance with my looks and aging. I have a pretty deep understanding that to age is much better than to pass away young. I have experienced much loss, and when it's young people it's just so brutal. Therefore, I am profoundly aware of my luck for continuing existence.

I just wish I could have prettier hair. I got a bad cut about two months ago (side bangs) and it's been messing with my head so I've been taking scissors to the length. Also, the grays. Omg the grays.

Accept it Sar! Own it! You have curly hair, love it! It's never going to look like someone else's hair. I am unique, I am miraculous, I am happy, healthy, wealthy, lucky, loved!!! Goddammit.

I'm hyper. More later. Much love to you!

Musings about money, myself, my weight

Good morning all. I'm sitting comfy in my living room, working from home today. Still on a hybrid schedule with some days at home, other days in the office. I love it and hope it never changes, but fear the change is coming soon. There is something about being paid to spend the work day at home, in my peace, with my cat, no one around. No weird smells coming from the kitchen. No outside chatter floating into my headspace. Nobody watching, nobody judging. 

I like the office, and my coworkers, for the most part. But when I'm there the days seem so much longer. I have to wake up earlier, get all presentable, pay for parking, walk through the elements, compare my outfit to the outfits of the younger, more stylish women, be "on" all day. I gotta hustle. Which is fine! But my god, these work from home days have kept me sane.

Getting laid off in the pandemic last spring was awful. It was a shock. It was terrifying to lose health insurance during a global health crisis. I wasn't sure what was going to happen. But, as usual, I made shit work. I had savings and found something new in a reasonable amount of time. To outsiders, I am sure I made it look easy. Truth is, it IS easy to live within my means and to find work. I will do just about anything to make money. I know what I'm good at. I know what I have zero interest in. I know what it's like to be poor and to live on a budget therefore I am not a big spender.

However.... I've been getting a little too comfortable online shopping. Nearly every weekend lately I login to Express or Target or Amazon and buy myself a little something. I know why this is occurring.

One: There has been nothing to really do; money hasn't been spent on drinks/dinners/happy hours/concerts/festivals/events/ubers/tips/etc. So it *appears* that I've been saving money, which I use as justification that it's ok to treat myself. 

Two: I have went without for so long. I have bought myself the BAREST OF BARE essentials since leaving my parent's home. I didn't even use to buy coffee creamer because I was too poor. I have clothes from college, I repeat, 11 year old clothes that I wear on the regular. So much of what I own has been given to me. Sure it's good that I can fit in old stuff (win!), but it's OLD STUFF. And I'm working full time for god's sake. So yes. I have been purposely purchasing things like a bathing suit, a coat, shoes, some home decor, new sheets. And it's fine!! I have to tell myself it's fine.

But running out of money scares the hell out of me. I need to be careful. Spending $100 once a week is $400 per month. On me!! Do I deserve it? YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT. But I don't always feel that way..

This all is on my mind for a pretty big reason. Me and my boyfriend recently got vaccinated against covid and decided to BOOK A TRIP!!! WOOHOO!!!! You guys know I love the beach and that's where we are going! I cannot wait!!!! We have been dating for about 16 months. I do NOT expect him to pay my whole way so we are splitting a lot of the costs. He makes a buttload more money then me and will be chipping in more but my worried mind keeps telling me to SPEND LESS in preparation for this trip. At the same time, hello, romantic beach getaway with bae. I need a cute dress! I need a sexy bathing suit! I want to be the hottest or at least one of the hottest girls in the resort! 

At least my weight is down. The one thing that's been getting to me lately is my waist measurement. It won't seem to budge from 29 inches. I want to lose 1 or 2 inches around my waist, then I'll feel more comfortable in my body I think. Lol yeah right, are we ever comfortable?

I want to tell my man about my eating disordered past, but I can't seem to think of a good enough reason to. I want to tell him about the purging. But why? Just so I can share my secret with someone? So he can understand me better? So he can maybe recognize why I must be thin? I don't know. Maybe I just hate keeping things from him. But what good is bringing up the miserable past? 

It's sometimes hard for me to believe that I have lived my entire life preoccupied with my weight and how I look. The patriarchy at work, ladies and gentlemen. And I'm a feminist! I don't exist to look good for men!! And yet... I am obsessed. Still! Mid -thirties and how I look can ruin my day. It's shameful, and I need to be confident or at the very least APPEAR confident. So maybe that's why I can't tell him. If I don't have confidence I don't have shit.

xoxo~Sar

Saturday vibes

Spring is really here, the sun is out, I left the house wearing just a hoody. No hat, gloves, scarf. About time! I love the warmer weather. Everything is blooming and it's beautiful.

I've spent some time re-reading this blog, particularly my college years and the time immediately following that. I spent 2 years at my parent's house, looking for work and partying it up. There were some hardcore bulimia details. Sometimes I forget how long that madness spanned. It was a cruel act and I hated myself back then. 

Things have gotten better. I look back at the girl I was, and feel sad. I have been through some shit, there is no doubt, and I don't have to convince anyone or myself, because it's just a fact. But for so long it's been entwined in my identity. I have a trauma to talk about for every day of the week. It's true! What I want though, is to purposefully begin holding it a bit looser, and not so close to my heart. I want to start defining myself as a person who has grown, who embodies acceptance and peace, not a person who is still healing from the past.

For awhile now (the last few years without major distressful events occurring - not including the pandemic), I've had an impenetrable shield up. I've been cold, inscrutable, invincible, argumentative and defensive. I've held onto my traumas as my excuse and justification and I allowed them to define me. I used them as a barrier between myself and others. I wanted and needed them to define and protect me. 

I want and need to understand myself and to help others understand me. Understanding why I act and think and talk the way I do, why I keep a distance, why I'm so serious now, and how to improve, has been of the utmost importance lately.

I want to distance myself from the trauma. I am so much more than the shitty things that I've done, and the nightmares that I've lived through. I am a good person. I care about others and myself. I protect loved ones and my heart. I have good intentions and faith in the process of life. But I have to literally force myself to smile sometimes.

I am very serious about therapy. I really trust and appreciate my latest therapist. We have been working together since last Fall. I am showing signs of progress.

Here's an example of my mindset prior to therapy, and it continues to a lesser extent these days:

I NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH SOME SHIT. I NEED YOU TO BE FRAGILE WITH ME, AND FEEL SORRY FOR ME, AND RECOGNIZE MY COURAGENESS, STRENGTH, AND DETERMINATION. I NEED YOU TO BE THE VERY BEST POSSIBLE FRIEND/FAMILY MEMBER/PARTNER/COWORKER BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT WILL BENEFIT ME THE MOST AND I WILL BE CRITIQUING YOU!!!!! SO DO IT OR DEAL WITH MY FEELINGS AND WRATH!!! HELP ME! I AM NOT OK! SAVE ME! LOVE ME!!! OR FUCK OFF!!!!!

*takes a deep breath*

Sorry for the caps, but it felt necessary.

For too long, I have lived mind over matter. I indulged my broken thoughts while being stuck in survival mode. It's my priority finally to fix it. I am doing the goddamn work and it's helping me. I want to be well. My therapist encourages me to focus on the good life I've created for myself.

Facts:

1. I live in an awesome apartment. I pay my own bills and work full time at an interesting job to support myself. I have the money to treat myself. I have begun paying it forward with larger tips and donations when possible. I am developing hobbies and have a good work/life balance.

2. I am in relationship. A happy, healthy relationship. Over a year now. I can see us together forever. I think he can too. My approach was different with him. I had standards, I took it slow, I eased into opening up, I've brought him around family and friends. I trust him. But it hasn't been a walk in the park, we've had long discussions about emotions and feelings and trust and what we want out of our relationship and the best ways to support one another. We've had bad fights, that sometimes take a couple days to really work through. But we want this. He is cool. He has never showed one sign of violence. He doesn't know every single thing about me, in other words I have kept some boundaries in place. But he knows a lot more than any other man I've ever been with. I let myself keep the hope for us. 

3. I am determined to be happy, healthy, and mentally stable. I don't want to be the way I was anymore. I want to be better. I quit smoking cigarettes for good 2 years ago. I go to all the doctor's appointments. I prioritize sleep, eating healthy, and taking vitamins. I am trying so hard to develop automatic good coping mechanisms, this part is taking me the longest. I am also working on remembering to breathe.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ok so now I'm getting a little tired of blogging. I want to get back into it though. Miss this place. Treasure this place, to be honest. If anyone still cares about this kinda thing, my weight is 125 now. I went on an antidepressant last year that has really affected my appetite and weight. I do love being this thin.

xoxo, Sar

 Happy New Year! Hello 2021!

I can feel the page turning

 Hello everyone!

Venting all my frustrations last time seemed to really help me understand what was holding me back. I've always looked at my vast and varied experiences as a liability - I thought it made me look inconsistent and immature. 

At some point between the writing of that post and now, I've switched my mindset. I now view my job history as something that has allowed me the time and space to try different things to see where my inherent talents and interests are. 

I applied this perspective to a recent job interview. I stated that "I've worked many kinds of jobs in my life, and it took awhile for me to nail down my strengths and where I want to be, which is here, in this field." 

It worked like a charm. And it was the truth. 

Very proud to share that I got the job. 

I start this week. Scared but excited. It's close to my home, slightly more money, and in my field (legal). I was so very nervous for the interview. My self doubt asked in a hateful way, "Why would they pick you?" and yet my confident self replied, "Why not me?". I am positive this winning mindset was a game changer.

Doing laundry, cleaning house, and planning my first day outfit. Headed to my man's house later for some fucking and loving. I'll update again soon.

Love and Peace.

Lol at 2020

Hey everyone. Reporting to you from my living room. I slept past noon. Still not working, my old position was officially eliminated. Still with D. We are going strong and last night in my dream he proposed. 

Still losing weight - today I am 125lbs. I've lost nearly 20lbs this year. I started Wellbutrin in May, and it is my belief that it has maximized my metabolism and aided in weight loss, while helping my depression.

Yes, depression. Not working for almost five months has been obnoxious. I've looked! I've cleaned up my resume, applied, had three phone interviews, and a regular interview cancelled on me. It's so goddamn discouraging. I sincerely wonder if I will ever work again. I have forgotten what normal is supposed to look and feel like.

My man is still working full time, most of my friends still have jobs. Why not me? What is it about me that has such a hard time with work? I've changed jobs many times in my life. I've quit, given notice, been fired, and been laid off. I've also straight up walked out of at least three positions that I held. My work experience is varied. Not much consistency, not really one central theme or field to be found. To be fair, I'd lump my primary experiences as medical or legal. So I suppose there is something connecting it all together. 

Is it my motivation that lacks? My unstable mental health that holds me back? My "doesn't mesh well with others" personality and attitude? Have I just not found my calling?

I wish writing was my calling. I wish I could do something with this blog. I have no idea how to even start. I am not sure I've got the will to put pen to paper and put a book together. I don't know what I'd write about. It's easiest and most helpful for me to write/blog/journal about my life and feelings. That's what I do here, as discretely as possible. It's therapeutic. That's my hint that I don't necessarily want to turn it into a commodity.

So if not that, then what? Maybe I just don't care too much. Maybe I'm a lazy slacker, who is content coasting along in the sea of life, bumping into rock obstacles occasionally and dealing with them with a bunch of tears and weed.

How about that weight loss, eh? My damn clothes are falling off. Ordered a size 4 US jean shorts at the start of summer and they fit like a dream with room to spare. All of my size 6 jeans, shorts, skirts, dresses, are too big to be cute. Even if I did return to work, my business clothes would be swimming on me. 

The antidepressant has a weight loss side effect that I was not aware of until after it was prescribed. I recall that day: I was a disaster. Sobbing to the receptionist, having a near panic attack daily, just drowning in depression over my life, job situation, the pandemic. The doctor was a sweetheart, we had a video chat and she prescribed it. I have never spoken to a doctor about my eating disorder history so she wouldn't have known how potentially dangerous this could be.

I've tried looking online for others like me.... that is, someone with EDNOS habits suddenly dropping a large quantity of weight from a prescription, easily, with barely any hunger to be found. I do eat of course, I eat pretty much whatever I want (same as it ever was) but the hunger is just not there. The Wellbutrin is really helping my mood, but the weight loss is my obsession. I am at a point where I try not to weigh myself too frequently. Because every time there is a loss. Should I be worried that I'll stay on this medication for life to maintain this new stick thin Sar?

I have a physical scheduled in the Fall. No health insurance so I'll be paying out of pocket. We'll see if they even notice.

Have a good day, dear readers. Stay safe and healthy. Lots of love to you. If you have any spare vibes and prayers, I could use them for help finding a new job. I miss working.

Thanks,

XO

~Sar

Insecurity

Why do I yearn to be understood? Why can't I just accept that I'm alone in this journey?

I see my struggle, I see my effort, I see my good intentions, I see my pain. Why do I need someone else to see me and validate my experience?

I feel so fucking weak sometimes. I wish I didn't need anyone to empathize with me.

But I'm only human. I'm alone in this unless I put words out into the world to see if others feel this way.

First post of 2020

And what a time to be alive, during this global pandemic. Life is one big question mark. I was laid off over a month ago. I've been quarantined at my place in the city, just me and the cat. I don't work. I don't leave. I shower every other day. Twice a week I see my man.

Yes, that's right. I'm in a relationship. We met before Christmas and made it official in February. He has been a good support and we've been getting along (for the most part) through this madness. We chill at each other's places.. cooking/eating, fucking, smoking weed, playing cards. He's been a godsend actually.

I miss work so much. There is a chance I can get my gig back. I really want that opportunity. Not working every day has caused my sleep schedule and overall routine to shift. I've become a night owl, staying up past 2 each night.

My weight is down. I had set my goal weight at 135 and last time I weighed (yesterday or the day before) I was 136.

I'm getting older, you guys. I am aging. I see it in my face, and in my hair, and in my body. But it really beats the alternative.

Time is ticking by. My life, like so many, is on pause. And yet.. is it really? I am here, living my days out, quarantine style. Time hasn't stopped, but modern life and society sure has. I miss concerts and going to bars and restaurants and traveling on airplanes. Summer is coming, and what will I do? Work? Not work? Leave the house/attend outdoor events? Or no?

Nobody knows. It's so bizarre.

I'm struggling with anxiety and depression throughout this. Each day is different, some are good, some are bad. The good ones have me up and moving about, with energy, and a sense of purpose. The bad ones have me in my pjs all day, exhausted, barely eating or eating too much, smoking or being too tired to smoke, drinking or being too depressed to drink. Today was closer to the latter.

But I'm trying. I am getting shit done, paying bills, keeping this place in ok shape. Keeping food in the fridge and changing my sheets. Taking care of the cat and my plants.

Sometimes the darkness weighs down on me so profoundly. What s the point? Where's my money? (At the time of the post I have not received unemployment or the federal stimulus payment yet). Sometimes I look back and blame myself endlessly for mistakes I made previously. Sometimes I look forward and see a bleak outlook. Sometimes I look to the present moment and I'm so tightly wound that I can't stay mindful for longer than one second.

Navigating a relationship throughout all this, too, is a challenge. As longtime readers may recall, my relationship history isn't good. They've all been dysfunctional, damaging relationships, with no trust, too much fighting, and deep scars on both sides.

This man in my life.. we'll call him D. I like him. Our relationship so far has gone pretty well. We started off obviously going out a lot more than we currently are, due to the pandemic and everything shutting down. But we've had fun together! Both before and after everything changed.

Time will tell what happens next. For the record, I am happy with him and dutifully working through my insecurities. We talk pretty openly. I have lingering fears that stem from my ever-present anxiety and sometimes I'm so very worried and scared that I'll slip and fuck everything up. I have to evolve and grow past this otherwise I will never have what I want most.. real love.

Needless to say, he is good enough to make me want to be better. I am self soothing and learning to cope. It's not easy by any means, and the state of affairs including being laid off certainly presents an interesting chapter in my life.

This is longer than I thought. Hope you all stay safe.

Love,
Sar

Friday night

I am really emotional today. I cried in the bathroom at work after listening to Lady Antebellum's "What if I never get over you?" too many times and having a big old pity party for myself. Loneliness is especially terrible during the holidays. Seemingly, everyone is excited and decorating and buying gifts and baking cookies and getting together with friends and family and planning a nice holiday for the kids or curling up on a couch with a significant other, on a cold night, with a fire roaring perhaps, and glasses of whiskey.

I want that. I want love and to be loved. It is what I have wished for and wanted forever. Every year, on my birthday, I would blow out candles and wish for love. Just, love. Any love. Someone please fucking love me. I don't want to die alone. And last night I did. Last night I had a horribly real dream that I was going to die. It was determined, I was aware of it and thinking thoughts about it. I was worried about how my apartment would be left behind, and felt this remarkable loss over all that I could no longer do or never get to do. It was terrifying. All day I've been in a funk.

Tomorrow is my work holiday party. I ordered a dress online, size small, and it was snugger and lower cut than I would've preferred so it's going back. I have two other options but they are both old as fuck and I want a new dress but really shouldn't spend any extra money. I am living paycheck to paycheck but should be able to save in the new year. Made a few risky but reasonable changes with my deductions to create more take home pay, effective January 1. Also, word on the street is that a Christmas bonus is to be expected.

I have shit to do and all I wanna do is lay here in my pajamas and get fucked up and cry and listen to music and introvert to my heart's delight. But this apartment isn't going to clean itself. Plus I have to take care of my cat's litter and decide on an outfit.

Just needed to vent briefly.

The end of summer

Saturday evening. I am home alone on the couch, drinking wine and smoking. Across the room sits my cat on the table, looking content. Listening to "Little Wing" as performed by Tedeschi Trucks and Trey Anastasio at Lock'n.

I'm in my new place. Can I still consider it new after 2 months? Still feels new. All my stuff is here, but sometimes I can't find what I need. I am still configuring the setup. I have moved heavy bookshelves and my bed countless times. Trying to find a flow that works for me.

Had a cold last week, got better, and today woke up feeling like shit again. Low energy, sore throat. It's been a crazy summer. Today is the last day of August. Exactly one year ago was the first time me and J. slept together. But that's old news. A lot has happened since then.

I've been splurging on clothes and blowing off responsibilities. My birthday is in a couple days. 33. No plans for the day, just work. Might leave 2 hours early but won't bother unless I come up with something to do. No sense using the PTO to sit in the house.

I've been walking to work now that I live close enough, but have not lost weight. In fact, I seem to be gaining, which is maddening. But I can't tell. I see both thin and fat. I look at myself naked in a full length mirror daily and mostly think I look pretty damn good. And yet sometimes I feel my stomach and it feels so fat, or I look down at my stomach, and see it grossly protruding. Either way, I need to start restricting again.

Don't have much else to say right now, just wanted to check in. Summer flew. It had some good moments. Looking forward to Fall, if for no other reason that it's an actual change that can be physically felt. There is no question about it. The warmth fades and a chill sets in. I am not sure of much, but of this I am positive: the cold is coming.

Good night, all. I hope September is good to us.