well hello

well hello

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Going on vacation! + Birthday anxiety

This new Blogger layout is...interesting. Still getting used to it. Hopefully none of my old posts were deleted in the process. I feel so grateful to have had this blog over the last 3-4 years. It has documented my life in this strange, fragmented way. It's fun to look back but it's more important to look forward. Keep your eyes on the prize!

I'm feeling thin today. I'm sure that will change as soon as I start putting on clothes. There's something about loose pajama pants and a cami that makes my body look so cute.

Did I really just type that? I'm apparently feeling positive today, even though I already spilled coffee all over the counter which launched me into an OCD-powered frantic cleaning of everything in the vicinity with a sponge. Keeping the fucking sponge hot, wrung out, and "clean" was another thing in itself. I put that in quotes because I think nothing is ever perfectly clean. There will always be hidden germs and nearly invisible viruses and bacterium. They will be there forever because no human is capable of vanquishing them. It's sick.

Anyway.

My vacation (!) starts tonight after work. I am going to ask to use even more vacay hours and leave early, just for the hell of it. I mean I want to pack. Tomorrow I am kissing my routine goodbye and flying away on a big silver bird. I'm getting out of dodge for the weekend. It's exciting!

My birthday is Sunday. I'll be back from my little trip that night to have dinner with my 'rents and get drunk with my bff, the only one (out of my "close friends") who is actually going to be around to celebrate. Love her. Kinda pissed at the others. Two are going camping, one is going to a concert with some peeps. We always hang out on each other's birthdays so I'm definitely feeling slighted.

Work is going well enough. I'm thinking of ending therapy. I got two inches chopped off my hair on Tuesday. No one noticed.

I had a dream last night that everyone at work knew it was my birthday but it was also another girl's, so they sang to the both of us. But I was upset, because someone stole my salad and my Dad was there, being mean to me and making me cry. So I missed out on the cake and and ran outside to sit on a stoop; I felt a little sad but mostly angry. It was so weird. I woke up and it was like emerging from a battle.

I get it - it's a pretty easy dream to analyze. I realize that I am literally at war with myself, my body. I've been worried/stressing out at the idea of someone at work recognizing that my birthday is this weekend and what they may or may not do about it. Why do I dread my birthday? I've had some bad birthdays in the past and it's just not a day that I feel particularly good about. I'm another year older and the attention is (sort of, briefly) on me. I don't want to be the center of attention for long periods of time. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. At the same time, I have this intense desire to be noticed, admired, envied, cared for, loved, liked, etc. I am The Conflicted.

I should probably get in the shower and get ready for work. The sooner I get there, the sooner I leave! I am also off Monday due to Labor Day. Long weekend!

Think thin. Stay strong against temptations. Sugar has been my enemy lately, it's so addicting that I'm starting to see and feel my body's response to it. Knowledge is power. I'm working on convincing myself that I don't need another addiction, I'm already loaded down with vices. So I'm staying away, though it's going to be tough. I have two cakes staring me down this weekend. GD it.

"A very small slice for me please, I'm so full from dinner."

That'll work.

Peace, loves :)

XO Sar






2 comments:

Run said...

I'm feeling really positive today too for some reason. It's quite nice. :)

Long weekends are so nice. We had once this weekend for the August bank holiday here.

It's a Secret said...

hah, i totally agree about the germs thing. I work in the food industry and those buckets of "sanitary" wash water gross me out sooo much. When I'm wiping down tables I feel more like I'm just getting them dirty and covered in bacteria. I change them out like a million times every shift :)