It's been a semi-productive day, and it's only quarter after one. I ate 3 small slices of toast, some cut up watermelon, and some coffee. Headed back to work shortly, after a decent weekend.
I hung out with R. on Saturday. He's hot, haha, and really nice. Pretty fucking hilarious too. Needless to say, I'm interested. But cautious. He texted me yesterday asking if I'd like to hang out again. Of course! I replied. We got along well and had a really interesting wide-ranging conversation. If anything, I'd like to hear what he has to say about a lot of things; he seems well-informed and intelligent without being condescending. I enjoy talking with smart people, because I am smart as well. No point in being dumb. I've learned that intelligence is as sexy as nice eyes.
I found myself thinking about the fire a bit today. It's always there, on my mind, and I have to choose to go down that road or not. If I do, I feel sad and pity myself. If I don't, I feel sad and pity myself. Maybe someday I'll have dealt with all of this. I'm trying, but it's tough sometimes. It really is. It's been a year and a half. I can hardly believe I've made it. It's still so surreal. I think, did that really happen to me? Yes. Yes, it did.
But I survived. I saved my kitten. My fight/flight instinct kicked in, thankfully, and my will to live was stronger than my desire to die. I left that burning building for the last time but I had no idea it would be the last time, when I stepped out my door into the thick, pungent smoke, reality hit me like soap-filled sock. It was an unreal reality though, because hours later, after the fire was out, I was screaming at the firemen to let me back in! That's my home! Where am I supposed to go??
The tears rest behind my eyes, I stop them. I swallow a sob back down my throat, it sinks to the pit of my stomach. I take a breath, and refuse to cry. I can not dwell. I have to go to work. Today, tomorrow, the next day. I have to keep moving, keep going. I cannot stop, I will not give up. I have goals, dreams, accomplishments on the horizon. I need to be strong.