well hello

well hello

Monday, September 12, 2011

Keep on swimming

It's been a semi-productive day, and it's only quarter after one. I ate 3 small slices of toast, some cut up watermelon, and some coffee. Headed back to work shortly, after a decent weekend.

I hung out with R. on Saturday. He's hot, haha, and really nice. Pretty fucking hilarious too. Needless to say, I'm interested. But cautious. He texted me yesterday asking if I'd like to hang out again. Of course! I replied. We got along well and had a really interesting wide-ranging conversation. If anything, I'd like to hear what he has to say about a lot of things; he seems well-informed and intelligent without being condescending. I enjoy talking with smart people, because I am smart as well. No point in being dumb. I've learned that intelligence is as sexy as nice eyes.

I found myself thinking about the fire a bit today. It's always there, on my mind, and I have to choose to go down that road or not. If I do, I feel sad and pity myself. If I don't, I feel sad and pity myself. Maybe someday I'll have dealt with all of this. I'm trying, but it's tough sometimes. It really is. It's been a year and a half. I can hardly believe I've made it. It's still so surreal. I think, did that really happen to me? Yes. Yes, it did.

But I survived. I saved my kitten. My fight/flight instinct kicked in, thankfully, and my will to live was stronger than my desire to die. I left that burning building for the last time but I had no idea it would be the last time, when I stepped out my door into the thick, pungent smoke, reality hit me like soap-filled sock. It was an unreal reality though, because hours later, after the fire was out, I was screaming at the firemen to let me back in! That's my home! Where am I supposed to go?? 

The tears rest behind my eyes, I stop them. I swallow a sob back down my throat, it sinks to the pit of my stomach. I take a breath, and refuse to cry. I can not dwell. I have to go to work. Today, tomorrow, the next day. I have to keep moving, keep going. I cannot stop, I will not give up. I have goals, dreams, accomplishments on the horizon. I need to be strong.



Anonymous said...

I find intelligence way sexier than nice eyes. It's so important. I'm glad you have a guy in your life who you can appreciate on a real level.

It's so weird that you and I both experienced our place burning down. My family's house burned down, and all of our home videos and things were lost. My dad had built much of that house with his own hands, and it's the only place I ever lived before college.

They weren't able to save our dear pet bunny. It's something that is always going to hurt when I think about it. But all I can do to be happy is to focus on the new things in life instead of the old ones. I know how rough it is. My family's home burned down a year ago in April.

Run said...

I love talking to intelligent people. A good looking guy is nice, but if the conversation is rubbish.. It's not going anywhere for me.

I can't imagine having my house burn down. Gosh.

Cally C. said...

I cannot imagine such a loss. You're a very strong girl.

Emily said...

Its really hard to stay strong, "deal" with the issue, and move on like they all say we're supposed to do with bad situations. What exactly does "dealing" entail? I never get that. I hope whatever you do it makes you feel better that day, whether you need to stifle and move on in that moment or sit down and cry. Take care.

Stick Thin said...

Beautiful writing. I'm so glad you are still around. Thanks for your inspiration