I'm back, bitches.
I coerced my landlord into letting me have wifi access for an extra $10 a month. WOOT!
Where to begin? As you've noticed my posts have been somewhat depressing in the past months, well that's because life has been all sorts of stressful. However, I've been making attempts to fix shit. My student loans are back under control. I'm in the process of settling the claim from the car accident which will equal me getting a check. Work is going well, we are extremely busy so the days basically fly by. I've been losing weight. Sometimes it surprises me how I look.
Don't get me wrong, my reflection in the mirror still taunts me and urges me to keep restricting. The heat helps kill my appetite, as do the cigarettes I've been smoking like they're going out of style. Also the thinspo at work helps curb my cravings.
It's almost sad, isn't it, just how many thin and thinner girls there are out there. We are all feeling the pressure. Society will not stop until we're all weak, invisible, and killing ourselves. I can only feel sorry to a certain extent, as I'm currently caught up in it all. I have been for years.
It just feels good to be thinner than people. You feel their jealous eyes on you. You eat in front of them (only to keep up appearances - and sometimes you don't bother and don't eat) and they watch with eagle vision how you eat, what you eat, if you throw half away, if you say, "damn that was good" with a confident smile. They watch.
I don't want them too, but it happens. Curiosity of the mentally insane is inevitable.
To switch topics blatantly and without warning, yes my dad is sick again and it's upsetting me. The stress and heartache make me not want to eat a damn thing. We are waiting on test results.
Ok now I gotta go. I'm headed homeward to chill with some old friends. Since moving to the city I have not seen them as much. I will be spending the night at my besties. It's going to be good night! (right?) (I hope).
There's always hope. Peace, loves.