October 27, 2013

Disorder (possible trigger)

I'm sitting here on a Sunday afternoon and sipping some coffee. I slept until like 12:30, even though I went to bed early. I have been sleeping a lot. I have also been throwing up. I know, it's no good. About four times in the past five days. It started last Tuesday, I went to my parent's house during the day to do laundry. I ate about fifteen tator tots with ketchup, two slices of rye toast with butter, and some halloween candy (mostly taffy). Gross right? Nothing healthy about any of it. Since their plumbing is excellent (in comparison to my city apartment) I made the executive decision to throw it all up. So I did. I forgot the high that comes, I lay on the couch for a good hour after that, zoning out on the television, feeling stoned off my ass but better, because I was empty.

I've also been smoking an excessive amount of pot. All day, every day. Cancelling some plans to smoke and rot. I've now had an entire week "off" - no work, unemployed, seeking a job, and I basically made zero progress. To be fair, I've applied to many, many jobs. I had an interview at a coffee shop on friday. I'm trying, just not as hard as I should be. It's getting to me. My bank account will not support me for much longer than the next week or two, and the pressure is on. I do well under pressure (usually) so I've still got the faith.

It just surprises me a little how I can slip back into old depressive habits like purging. It scares me. The worst part is I was reading some ana/mia tumblr the other day and left the tab open and of course my friend came over that night and went to play something on youtube when I was in the bathroom. I have a feeling she saw it. I was embarrassed and OF COURSE that night I drank way too much and ended up back in my bathroom, fingers scrapping my throat to release the poison, it happened so easily. The next morning (she had spent the night) she said her stomach felt like shit and I said, "yeah I got sick last night", and it opened the door to a convo which involved her confiding that she doesn't know how to make herself throw up. I was as nonchalant as possible and just hinted that you have to do what it takes to feel better. She went in the bathroom and I went to the kitchen to get us some water so I couldn't hear what was happening in there.

Fuck. Well it's now one in the afternoon and I should do the dishes. I'm craving pancakes (?) like immensely. I've been missing this blog hope I can write a bit more. Hope you're all doing alright. Stay strong. Think thin but be smart. Purging sucks and I cannot count on it as my saving grace when I feel too full. It's a bad habit. Which reminds me, one piece of good news, I haven't smoked a cigarette in over a week. Guess without the work stress I'm good. Also I can't afford them, but hey! I'll take any positivity I can get.

Peace,
Sar


1 comment:

Miranda said...

Hope you find a job soon. Falling into bad habits can be scary. It happens. Just don't let it consume you.