Illusive

I get tired of being so cold. I was laying in my bed late last night, alone, thinking how isolated I've felt. It occurred to me that I've made it this way. I've kept people out, refused to let them in.

Remember all the guys I mentioned in my last post? Well I've somewhat successfully pushed them away, squashed their budding interest, painted a bleak picture of me...and for what? To preserve the self? To maintain icy composure? To allude myself into thinking that I've got control? BECAUSE I DON'T.

Here's what I have: a jaded and bitter personality, a frown, a headache, heartache, and a sense of loss that is encompassing. I am worried about me. I am concerned that it is too late for me. What's next? How do I fix this?

I've been so concerned with appearing aloof, cool, nonchalant, serious, smart, and better than everyone. I fear that I have lost my goofy giddiness. I used to be the girl who smiled all the time. People would say, "you sure smile a lot!". People would smile back.

The bottomline is that I hate myself. Still. After everything - quitting so many jobs for "better" ones, writing until my hands hurt, talking it out with friends, hours and hours in therapy, the beginning of a repaired relationship with my parents, the birth of my nephew and the love that I feel for him, moving out and away from my hometown, ending toxic friendships, getting a cat...I could go on but NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING helps. Seemingly.

Perhaps I am making strides, albeit slow ones. I'm talking SLOW. And this is a huge perhaps.

The one guy I *was* talking to (we hung out four times) told me that I "love to play games" and that I am "too illusive for him to keep up with". That hurt. Is he right? What the hell am I doing??

It's the end of the year and I'm feeling contemplative as usual. What's sad is that if you go back and reread my last posts from Dec. 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, and 2008 (I've been blogging a long time), you'll see no change. Or if there is change it's BRIEF AS FUCK. I've been ending the year on a sad note forever.

Will I be ok? Will I improve? Will I find love? I am 27 years old. This is my golden age! What scares me the most is what if I meet the man of my dreams (and it's possible that I already have) but push him away? I don't want to die alone. I want love. I'm just so scared. Of everything.

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I keep dreaming about schools. I'm considering teaching as a life path. It would be a big decision but I need to keep trying. Never give up. On love or life.

2014 will be a better year.
Maybe it will be *my* year.
And your year.

Thx for reading all this.

Love ya,
XO
~S

Disorder (possible trigger)

I'm sitting here on a Sunday afternoon and sipping some coffee. I slept until like 12:30, even though I went to bed early. I have been sleeping a lot. I have also been throwing up. I know, it's no good. About four times in the past five days. It started last Tuesday, I went to my parent's house during the day to do laundry. I ate about fifteen tator tots with ketchup, two slices of rye toast with butter, and some halloween candy (mostly taffy). Gross right? Nothing healthy about any of it. Since their plumbing is excellent (in comparison to my city apartment) I made the executive decision to throw it all up. So I did. I forgot the high that comes, I lay on the couch for a good hour after that, zoning out on the television, feeling stoned off my ass but better, because I was empty.

I've also been smoking an excessive amount of pot. All day, every day. Cancelling some plans to smoke and rot. I've now had an entire week "off" - no work, unemployed, seeking a job, and I basically made zero progress. To be fair, I've applied to many, many jobs. I had an interview at a coffee shop on friday. I'm trying, just not as hard as I should be. It's getting to me. My bank account will not support me for much longer than the next week or two, and the pressure is on. I do well under pressure (usually) so I've still got the faith.

It just surprises me a little how I can slip back into old depressive habits like purging. It scares me. The worst part is I was reading some ana/mia tumblr the other day and left the tab open and of course my friend came over that night and went to play something on youtube when I was in the bathroom. I have a feeling she saw it. I was embarrassed and OF COURSE that night I drank way too much and ended up back in my bathroom, fingers scrapping my throat to release the poison, it happened so easily. The next morning (she had spent the night) she said her stomach felt like shit and I said, "yeah I got sick last night", and it opened the door to a convo which involved her confiding that she doesn't know how to make herself throw up. I was as nonchalant as possible and just hinted that you have to do what it takes to feel better. She went in the bathroom and I went to the kitchen to get us some water so I couldn't hear what was happening in there.

Fuck. Well it's now one in the afternoon and I should do the dishes. I'm craving pancakes (?) like immensely. I've been missing this blog hope I can write a bit more. Hope you're all doing alright. Stay strong. Think thin but be smart. Purging sucks and I cannot count on it as my saving grace when I feel too full. It's a bad habit. Which reminds me, one piece of good news, I haven't smoked a cigarette in over a week. Guess without the work stress I'm good. Also I can't afford them, but hey! I'll take any positivity I can get.

Peace,
Sar