I haven't had anything to eat in twenty five hours. The weird thing is, I felt really fat last night. I tried on a million outfits, staring each time at my stomach and deciding I look unacceptable.
I've been good lately...no sweets, no binging. But I look at my stomach and just see layers of fat. It's confusing and stressful. I know my stomach is empty but that's not good enough. I want it to *look* empty.
But I must be doing something right... I went out last night with a guy "friend" Jake (are they ever really friends?) who kindly paid for my cover admission and drinks at a show (thank god because I'm broke). M. was there. His band played an acoustic set, which rocked, and there were two other really great bands!!! My fav.
It was super hot. I was wearing a tank top and a skirt and sandals. Everyone was sweating and dancing and drinking fast to cool down.
After the set, I drunkenly asked M. to come over and blaze. He called me as we were walking home. Jake is actually my neighbor. We live a few blocks from the bar. I answered the phone and M. was like, "I'm here". Jake and I were about twenty feet away at that point. The three of us had an awkward conversation where I invited Jake to join and he said no and then M. and I went inside without a look back.
We smoked, we talked, we laughed. I was wasted and stoned and avoiding emotional topics, which M. *will* get into. He tried to kiss me I looked away. He tried again and I kissed him back. I mean, guys, he's fucking hot. He's in a band. We all know I have a weakness for boys in bands.
It was great for a minute, and then I got the spins. I pushed him away and said some dumb thing about how I wasn't sure about it. I couldn't even tell the truth, which was that I was way too messed up to hook up. I'm embarrassed to admit it even to myself.
Next thing I know we are "going to bed". Him on the couch. At this point I obnoxiously went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and everything else that I like to do before bed while blatantly ignoring him. I got in bed, alone, wanting to go to him, wanting him to come to me, but then I passed out.
I woke to the sound of him going to the bathroom. I pretended to be asleep. I heard the jingle of his keys off the table and the door open and shut and he was gone. Not a word said to me.
I waited a little bit while trying to fall back asleep and then called him! Lol. He didn't answer. Then he sent me a text saying he wanted to be in his own bed, thanks for the couch. Perfectly understandable.