We saw guardians of the galaxy 3 last night and both cried. I have my period but have been thinking obsessively about having kids and asking my man about baby names. I should be ashamed of this but it's primal and very loud.
The person I spoke with at work about my raise emailed me last night asking if we could talk today. I responded this morning, but then never heard from him.
What the fuck?
K. thinks it's about my raise: either approving it or a lesser offer. I, being terrified as always of messing up and getting fired, fear that I did something wrong. Why is it so easy to think the worst? I told K. I can't let myself have hope that it could be good. Goddamnit though! Why am I like this! Why so fucking negative!!
Have I been let down a lot? Yes, who hasn't! Have I gone through trauma, absolutely! But I'm working on it. I'm on meds. I'm in therapy. I journal. I try to eat vegetables and sleep well. Why am I still such a mental headcase?!
It's exhausting to feel so much and suffer with endless anxiety. I am so fucking anxious all the time. Is it the weed? Is it the coffee? Sugar? Should I just cut everything I like out to feel better? Could I even do that if I tried?
More questions than answers. More deep sighs.
My neck hurts. Work is over for the day, it's already 6PM. I have no idea what to do with myself. The tempting scroll & smoke sesh beckons me always. But I'm gonna shower. Clean up the kitchen a bit. It was unseasonably chilly all day and I just want to be warm and cozy. I gotta eat dinner.
Today
Breakfast - plain greek whole milk yogurt with walnuts & honey.
Lunch - "anytime" gluten free bar by Pamela's, a mandarin orange, a handful of popcorn
Dinner - ?
Nothing sounds good. I don't feel like cooking. I don't want to order out. The price of what food costs depresses me. The inflation is out of control and I get so angry at the audacious costs these days.
I'm in a weird mood. Hope everyone has a good rest of the week.
-S
1 comment:
It sounds like you’ve got a lot going on. I don’t think there’s any reason to be ashamed of baby fever. Like you said, it’s primal. It’s natural.
“Why am I like this” is very relatable right now. You’re working on it though, and eventually it has to help. It reminds me of a quote from Bojack Horseman- “Every day it gets a little easier… But you gotta do it every day — that's the hard part. But it does get easier.”
Inflation is so fucked. Buying groceries is legitimately painful. Just makes me want to go off grid and farm everything myself, but of course, that costs money too.
xx
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