New year, fresh chapter

It's a new year. My cousin had a baby today. My cousin is gorgeous and quite well off. We're the same age and I've always compared myself to her. Growing up together, she was more outgoing, kinda spoiled, and popular/athletic during school. I was shy and kinda rebellious, a troubled girl falling through the cracks in a big family. I got into drugs, she did not. She's always done well, had good steady jobs and nice apartments. I switched jobs countless times and lived in tiny lofts. She married someone with a very wealthy profession and they live in a gigantic house out in the suburbs. I'm unmarried, in a relationship where the man I love has a serious illness. I'm not even afraid to admit that I'm totally jealous of her. 

Don't get me wrong, it doesn't feel good to admit that and I don't believe I've ever indicated same to her. The funny thing is, despite everything above, it's possible I have strengths that she doesn't. I'm definitely more independent. I've traveled solo, she's always traveled in groups. I'm a tad unconventional and not concerned with staging my life on social media. She posts everything. Perhaps these are just differences and not strengths but for a moment there it felt like my self confidence was trying to have a word.

I'm happy about the baby and look forward to meeting it. I'm just in a mood - woke up feeling ok but it changed quickly. Cat was driving me nuts. Apartment needed cleaning. Bf caught covid and I had to test yesterday but it was negative, twice. Not sure if I should test again today. I don't feel sick, at least. 

I was told some disturbing details about my family member who is in hospice. Found myself morbidly reading about end of life stuff. I'm so sick of living with this all. How can I detach? I told my coworker yesterday I was numb. She and I were having a nice chat and she had mentioned a few times about her mom and started crying as she described a recent occurrence. She then get all embarrassed and was like  "sorry for crying, it's literally nothing compared to everything that's going on with you". It was validating but all I said was "It's ok to cry, I'm honestly numb at this point". 

Sometimes I am numb. But obviously I'm self medicating. I cry of course. I cry every day sometimes. I scream and yell and hurt myself and other with my hateful words. Last week I cried and screamed so much the capillaries around my eyes started to burst. Stuff has been bleak lately.

I skimmed some posts from 2023 last night. There is no question, even without looking back at old posts, that was 2023 was a rough year for me. I felt sad though, seeing how many of my posts describe feeling mad or sad or stressed. I need to live a different way if this is my mood the majority of the time.

But how?? 

--------------------

It's Saturday and my bf is sick so I have the day to myself. It's noon and I gotta shower. I've already cleaned up a bit. The plan is to put my Christmas decorations away. And just veg, I guess. It's supposed to snow today. I need to grocery shop. My appetite has been so wonky lately. I actually lost weight from the stress and not eating as much.

I bought a nice new scale a couple months ago. Holding steady around 131. This is a good weight for me. I feel and look thin. Not that I am super obsessed about my weight these days. I just kinda leave it alone. I don't like binging so that's never a worry. I never ever purge or feel tempted. I mean, it pops into my mind once in awhile as a memory, but it's not an actual desire. I don't try to skip meals or starve myself EVER because I have found that when my blood sugar crashes I get soo mean. I eat as regularly as possible just not a ton and I watch what I eat. Not too much sugar. Not too much carbs. Strive for protein and fiber. I'm still a vegetarian and I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. Plus my anti depressants have an appetite suppressing side effect. 

It's time to end this, thanks for reading. Felt good to vent.

xoxo Sar

It's 4/19 - got a minute?

I'm so fucking angry, all the time. Every day is a new adventure.. will I be ok? Or will I wake up in a shit mood, thinking shit thoughts, treating people and myself like shit? Today it's the latter. I didn't want to get out of bed (I never do). I didn't clean up at all last night so my kitchen is a mess. I didn't go grocery shopping last night so I have no coffee or yogurt. I did smoke tons of weed, and now I'm out. I did lay around staring at the internet, and now my eyes feel strained. But I rose, and got up, and wiped down the counter, and drove my ass to the coffee shop for a large coffee and a croissant, and came home to start work. 

I'm fed the fuck up with work to be honest. I want to be happy at my job, but I am feeling ignored by my manager. I had attempted to negotiate my raise again, like I successfully did last year, but so far have been ghosted. It has been almost three weeks. I followed up once. My motivation has tanked. I am doing the bare minimum at a slower pace. I have so much to do and I know I'm slipping up. Even now, it's 1:30PM and I should be at my work desk, but I'm here on the couch on blogger. Cat sleeping next to me. He looks so comfy and cute.

I wish I could be happy. I started a fight with K. We are not speaking. My neck hurts - I have chronic neck pain. My period started this morning. It was two days late. Every time it has been late, ever since I got knocked up in 2014, I always wonder if I'm preggers again. But nope. Never again. Period always comes. It's probably for the best. It's not like we're trying to get pregnant. But I do want kids someday. Except, that window is shutting fast. I'll be 37 this year.

It hurts, to say that out loud and internalize the very real repercussions. I likely won't have children of my own. It's weird, because as far back as I can remember, way back to when I was a little girl playing "house", I always wanted to be a mom. I was always the mom. I have a innate nurturing ability. I care about stuff.

Just not, apparently, my self. I have neglected chores and work and a shower. I have been in a major depressive episode for what feels like months. I'm taking care of my cat, barely. Just dialing it in for the rest.

Do you ever check your ex's socials? We broke up in late 2021. He came crawling back in Summer 2022. Haven't seen or spoken since. But yesterday I checked his twitter. Dude has become one of those thirsty "reply guys" and liking girl's selfies. It's gross! He looks so pathetic! Why do I care? Why did I check? Why does it bother me?

Well, probably because I didn't take the time to really get over him and the relationship, as I met K. very quickly after we split. Yes, me and K. took things VERY slow and really built our relationship from the ground up, and yes he knew I was fresh out of a relationship. But I still feel this slight tug within, that tells me I probably should've waited longer before going on dating apps. Can't take it back, and I was very transparent with K. about not wanting him to be a rebound. I don't think he was. But I do think that we probably met too soon. But that's how life goes sometimes. And last summer, when D. came back, telling me he loved me and wanted us to give it another shot, I was open with K. I was open with myself. I took space from K. and realized that he was the one I wanted to be with. I tried my best to be authentic and honest with both of them, and also myself. I made my choice.

I'm only human and it's exhausting to be. I want to be better. I want to be the best. But I am so fucking far from it, it's disgusting. I really unleashed on K. today. We have terrible fights sometimes. We both struggle with past demons. Sometimes it brings us closer, sometimes it pushes us apart. It's hard. My gut is hinting to me that I should suck it up and call him. But I literally told him not to call or text me today, I told him I hated him, I hung up on him. Why, you might ask? Because I was punishing him. I felt that he was acting distant last night. Truth is, we talked all day yesterday, he's having a rough go with work too, and he's stressing about his doctor's appointment tomorrow. He shut down a little last night and I was hurt, because I tried to be there for him. Encourage and support him through it all. And it felt like he didn't acknowledge or appreciate it. That triggers me.

I'm tired. I gotta work but all I want to do is get in bed and shut my eyes and wake up in a different life or in a different place or just wake happy and rested. *huge sigh*

Just had to vent. 

-S.

Mi madre

It's 7:15PM on my mom's birthday and I couldn't give a damn. I worked today, it was busy as fuck. I had to leave early to get my dental crown fitting. (Had a root canal a few weeks ago). It took forever! It sucked! I hate the dentist! It took nearly 45 minutes to get home and then I had to finish a few things for work. I called her around 5:30PM. Her and my dad moved to AZ, not sure if I mentioned that. She didn't answer my call but texted me that they were getting food. Ok then. I was hoping to get the call out of the way so I could continue on with my night. But no, they're eating dinner at 2:30PM. *rolls eyes*

I said "Enjoy!" and prepared some dinner for myself. Roasted cauliflower, BBQ tofu. With water to drink. I haven't felt right today, minor cold symptoms and tired of the rat race. I bust my ass at work to a point of overwhelming stress. I neglect duties around the house so that I can sit around after work and surf the web. With lots of weed obv. 

To be fair, I've cut back a lot. I used to smoke way more. I still smoke daily, or have a gummy, but the quantity is less. I've also pretty much stopped drinking.

Where was I even going with this? I'm in a low mood, due to feeling a sense of dread about getting on the phone with my mom. I have documented quite a big in this blog about the emotional damage they've done. I just want to relax but feel on the edge that she'll be calling back any moment. My head is pounding again.

More later.

***

Update - 11:00PM. She never called back. Ignored by my mom on her birthday. I guess I wasn't the only one who didn't want to talk but it doesn't feel great. 

Guess I'm going to go to bed. Getting closer to the weekend and Spring.

xo

Positive conclusions despite the darkness

Well, that didn't last long. I deleted the link off my Twitter bio. I'm not ready for that yet, apparently. I'm feeling guarded. Which I'm sure is a direct result of Jake completely blowing me off last night. Yep. Here's what happened:

As you know we had made tentative plans to watch the fireworks together. I say tentative because no actual physical plans were made, he just said he wanted to see them with me. Which I assumed meant he wanted to see them with me. Which I assumed meant that we would be seeing each other.

Yesterday I was trying my best to be cool and carefree. Not knowing what time or any other details was definitely driving me crazy. I like to plan things a little. I was going out of my way to stay relaxed, to trust that it would all work. I took a long ass walk, a couple miles, all the while talking to myself, telling myself it's fine.

While I was out walking he texted me that he "should be home around 8:30". That's it, no other information. My blood immediately boiled. Apparently he was out of town at his roommate's parent's house. After considering the best way to cover my ass I sent him a text asking if he was thinking of staying out there and if so let me know so I can make other plans. Because 8:30 ish is kind of late for the fourth.

He responded with a vague "I'm not missing the fireworks but logistically it might be better for you to make other plans and we could meet later". Logistically my ass.

At this point I had a feeling of doom in my stomach so I bought a pack of cigarettes at the gas station with my credit card (bad!). Thankfully I did have somewhere else to go, my new friend/coworker Denise had invited me over.

I texted Jake back "I see" for him to interpret however the fuck he wanted. Then I showered and had a glass of wine. I put on a beautifully patriotic outfit, looked myself in the eye in the mirror and felt pretty, said to myself, "he's a fool", hopped in the car and drove 25 minutes to her townhouse in the suburbs.

There were four of us: two guys and two girls. Always a good mix. Her boyfriend shot off a bunch of fireworks in the street and we enjoyed the show their neighbor put on! There were fireworks in every direction it was actually really nice. The other dude was def hot.

But in my heart and maybe in my head I was feeling vulnerable and defensive. I talked more to Denise and her boyfriend then the other guy. We were drinking and smoking weed and cigarettes a lot, me on a completely empty stomach. The drunker I got (we were drinking whiskey with full fat cola) (I cringe when I consider the calories), the more I wanted him to hit on me and for us to hook up. Nothing at all happened and I passed out on the couch, alone.

I woke up at 6AM cold and alone. I drove my fat ass to mcdonalds and bought a egg and cheese biscuit and a hashbrown. I ate in my car while exhausted and still drunk. It sobered me just barely enough to drive down the center of the highway with tunnel vision. I stumbled up the steps of my apartment, put on pjs and thought I would get sick. I didn't, and fell back asleep.

I feel shame about buying fast food. I should've known better than to drink whiskey on an empty stomach. I hate doing that. I just needed not to feel.

At some point in the middle of the night last night I texted Jake asking where he ended up. He responded that he fell asleep and missed the fireworks. I have no idea absolutely no clue if this is the truth. He has no reason to lie. But seriously, if you didn't plan to see me why the hell would you ask to? Or if your plans changed why couldn't you just tell me? I'm so confused by him. Why can't he be real with me!?

So of course this afternoon when I woke up wide awake and remembering the events of the past twenty four hours I had to text him. I sent him one of my famous mean texts. I held back, a little, because I'm trying to be more aware of what I say in anger. I tend to regret it later.

I said: Thank god I didn't stick around waiting for you. Don't say you want to see me and then blow me off..especially on a holiday? You're not even a friend, you're untrustworthy."

Harsh. Reading it again to copy it verbatim from my phone, I can feel the frustration. It has been an hour and a half and he has not responded.

It's fine. Probably for the best. We are both pushing each other away, that's how it feels. We have a great time together and then one or both freaks out and reclaims mad distance until the other is forced to form fucked up conclusions. And of course it all happens over text, the shittiest form of communication there ever was.

It's sad. On the bright side, I did have fun last night. I like having a new friend. It was cool to be out in the 'burbs because I'm a city girl now. There was a lot of air, a lot of wide open space. Trees, nicely paved roads. It was a good time and I'm glad I went. I made the best of a bad situation and sometimes that's all you can do.

As for Jake...well sucks to be him. He missed out. I have no clue if he'll respond to my message and he really doesn't even need to. Unless it's an apology. Or he could just...pick up the phone and call.

I'm trying so hard not to feel bitter.

This turned into a really long post. I wonder if you're still reading? Loneliness is a terrible thing. Good thing I like myself lately. Sometimes I'm ok. Therapy is helping.

Have a groovy weekend.

Sar

Boys

A familiar heartbreak I haven't felt in weeks. It's twofold this time. Here's why:

C. and I had been taking a break, not talking or hanging out, under the guise of "perspective". Last night after work I bought two beers and a pack of cigarettes. I decided I wanted to get messed up. The beers were 22oz. I drank one and then texted C. to see if he wanted to join me. I went over there and we were alone for the first time in awhile. He sat there in silence. I attempted intellectual conversation. He asked to smoke and I provided. He played music and I sang along while he sat in silence. Getting the pattern? He is boring. I was getting drunk so I made the executive decision to put the moves on him.

I slid closer to him on the couch, he didn't move. I faced him and began running my hands over his body and saying sultry things like, "wanna have some fun?". His reaction? A boner and "I don't want a commitment." Uh, me neither. I was trying to lighten the mood. I tried to kiss him he gave me the cheek. Mortified, I turned to leave. We texted after I was home. I was upset for awhile but seeing him last night was like the final act of our play.

I am no longer interested in the slightest. I RARELY make the first move. I tried because of our history, because the moment maybe called for it, and because I was drunk and felt like having an adventure. He essentially rejected me. So...if we're not friends, and we're not fuck buddies, then we're nothing. And I'm ok with it, finally. Last night I was bored by his company. Last night I was reminded of how toxic he is. The only thing he even talked about was tripping on mushrooms last weekend. He is a dead end.

I mentioned that my heartbreak is twofold. Partly because of C. And partly because of Jake. As I mentioned, him and I have been talking for the past few weeks. A lot. I thought things were progressing nicely. Until yesterday. He and I were texting about getting together. All of a sudden he was being really unclear, saying he wasn't sure what was going on because some friends were coming into town. So I said something back via text that he didn't like. I said, "I'll make it easy for you - forget it, I'll make other plans." It was a moment of defiance. I was getting ready for work and just wanted to know if we were hanging or not, like he said we were. And...I haven't heard anything back since. I even texted him again later last night apologizing if I offended him. Still nothing.

Which brings me to today. I'm hungover from drinking on an empty stomach. I have nothing here to eat except for some random canned goods. I had my last potato this morning, stir fried breakfast-style with a little olive oil and garlic powder. Served with hot sauce. Also coffee. Needless to say I'm so hungry it's making me tired. I will spend a few dollars tonight after work on something. I have to get something in this house. I'm just so damn broke. Maybe tortillas and frozen mixed vegetables. It shouldn't cost too much.

My bank account hasn't been this low in a long time. It's getting scary. I just paid $318 for a traffic ticket which realllyyy hurt me this month. I can't pay any bills at all for a few weeks and they're all coming up being due next week. FML. Probably asking my parents for some money again. *sigh*

I have to get ready for work. I'm not doing anything tonight. Peace.

xo
Sar

Look out the window, see how the sun is shining? Get offline and go outside!

How are you guys? I'm dandy, quit my serving job at the restaurant last weekend! How irresponsible of me!

According to my mom, the depression is to blame. I am not a lost cause, however, and have scheduled my first appointment with a mental health counselor next week. Here we go again... I am exhausted at the possibility of starting from scratch with my story but it has to be done. I do need help.

I think I know what else I need, just lack the motivation to make a change. So for now I have one part-time job (facing down a week of unpaid vacation - spring break) at the school. I will not be able to survive financially for long. It is time to update my resume and find one full-time job.*

*that I can handle.

I am weak, my friends. Weak and impulsive as fuck lately. The sex. The quitting. The drinking til I puke. Bad decisions coming from a dark place. I don't know if I'm doing this all for the story, to be dramatic...or if I literally cannot help myself.

I have this crazy (but perfectly logical) fear of stds/pregnancy (from my one night stand) and have not even called my gyno yet. Speaking of "him" (let's just call him Z), we've texted a tad but it's faded away. It seems that keeping in touch will not be an everyday thing. At this point I'm just trying to keep it real, not sure where he's at.

Life is varied and without reason! I'm confident and petrified but restless. I crave change but seemingly do better with routine. I want to move so bad. By the ocean. I've been saying it for years!!!! but it hasn't happened. Why do I prefer solitude, my own company over others? I say, "there's no one close to me" and believe it until the reality of it hurts somewhere deep and untouchable.

I need touch and physical proximity but when it's in front of me sometimes I shy away, not being able to handle what comes next - the feelings, the comfortability, the mundane? I know parts of myself and yet there's a never before discovered infinite reservoir within.

I still haven't touched the meds my doc gave me. I self-medicate, look it up.

My heart is racing. I drank two cups of strong coffee and smoked a little herb. I vacuumed and called my mother. I'm actually going home for the afternoon - laundry and dinner with the family. Pizza. Which is why I'm not eating lunch. Yes, I'm trying to restrict.

I need to be out in the sunshine. It's beckoning me!
xo
-S

Illusive

I get tired of being so cold. I was laying in my bed late last night, alone, thinking how isolated I've felt. It occurred to me that I've made it this way. I've kept people out, refused to let them in.

Remember all the guys I mentioned in my last post? Well I've somewhat successfully pushed them away, squashed their budding interest, painted a bleak picture of me...and for what? To preserve the self? To maintain icy composure? To allude myself into thinking that I've got control? BECAUSE I DON'T.

Here's what I have: a jaded and bitter personality, a frown, a headache, heartache, and a sense of loss that is encompassing. I am worried about me. I am concerned that it is too late for me. What's next? How do I fix this?

I've been so concerned with appearing aloof, cool, nonchalant, serious, smart, and better than everyone. I fear that I have lost my goofy giddiness. I used to be the girl who smiled all the time. People would say, "you sure smile a lot!". People would smile back.

The bottomline is that I hate myself. Still. After everything - quitting so many jobs for "better" ones, writing until my hands hurt, talking it out with friends, hours and hours in therapy, the beginning of a repaired relationship with my parents, the birth of my nephew and the love that I feel for him, moving out and away from my hometown, ending toxic friendships, getting a cat...I could go on but NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING helps. Seemingly.

Perhaps I am making strides, albeit slow ones. I'm talking SLOW. And this is a huge perhaps.

The one guy I *was* talking to (we hung out four times) told me that I "love to play games" and that I am "too illusive for him to keep up with". That hurt. Is he right? What the hell am I doing??

It's the end of the year and I'm feeling contemplative as usual. What's sad is that if you go back and reread my last posts from Dec. 2012, 2011, 2010, 2009, and 2008 (I've been blogging a long time), you'll see no change. Or if there is change it's BRIEF AS FUCK. I've been ending the year on a sad note forever.

Will I be ok? Will I improve? Will I find love? I am 27 years old. This is my golden age! What scares me the most is what if I meet the man of my dreams (and it's possible that I already have) but push him away? I don't want to die alone. I want love. I'm just so scared. Of everything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I keep dreaming about schools. I'm considering teaching as a life path. It would be a big decision but I need to keep trying. Never give up. On love or life.

2014 will be a better year.
Maybe it will be *my* year.
And your year.

Thx for reading all this.

Love ya,
XO
~S

TMI

Oops I did it again, I fell for a jerk and he played with my heart, I'm stronger now and colder than ever, but I'm ok, I'm me, I'm Sar...and no one will ever change that. I own this life, MY life. My shield is intact and surrounding me on all sides, you can't touch me, you won't, I won't let you, I won't let me lose control of the things I can actually control; I, the puppet master, will pull tightly on the strings, ensuring an icy gripe on my reality. I won't turn into a crazy person. I will stay sane because I am not done here. There is stuff I want, things that need to be done and said still, a family to put together, a contribution to the planet, a better body to attain, etc.

As usual, I'm sitting here before work, drinking my coffee, perusing the 'net. The past two days at work have honestly been tough. I have been an emotional wreck; my eyes filling with tears randomly, my mood swings, my recent habit of running to the bathroom to cry. I thought it was because of Matt, and it partly is, but it's more than that.

I have been battling depression (diagnosed with "major depressive disorder") for years. I have been dealing with my ednos issues for years. I have gone through some serious personal tragedys and emerged alive, but so brittle and bitter. I just want to know, when is a break? When can I be normal again? When can I not feel so lost and pain-ridden and alone and nuts?

The answer lies within me. It's up to me to make the choice to get "better" and be more productive. Or whatever it's going to take to be happy with myself.

And that's what it comes down to, that's why I've been so upset, taking this rejection super hard...I am just not happy with myself. Every other day I am angrily hearing in my head, I hate myself. 

WHY, DAMMIT?

Why do I HATE myself? How can I LOVE myself?

I don't even know where to start. So much has gone "wrong" in my life. I had been exposed to deaths in my family at a very young age and it hardened me. My first serious boyfriend, who I lost my virginity to, cheated on me. My next 4 boyfriends were extremely crazy and destructive towards themselves and me. I got in a bad car accident, totaling my first car, the car that I saved money for all by myself, after starting work at the age of 15. I became afraid. My fears started to dictate my decisions. 

I failed some classes at the community college I started at, eventually taking an extra year there, which pelted hail at my self esteem (you're so stupid).  I gave in and started smoking cigarettes again after nearly 2 years without, after proudly quitting cold turkey. I moved away from everything I've ever known and started at the state university, all alone, "free" for the first time in a long time. I partied too much. I ate like shit. I began puking up my food because I felt fat and I lived alone so there was no one to hide it from. I dealt with so much drama and ridiculousness in college, and then the cherry on the cake of reality came when I was relaxing in my apartment one night; some dumb bitch "accidentely" lit her bed on fire, and my entire life disappeared in a pile of ashes. 

I became even more afraid and started focusing on losing weight. I lost weight, then regained, then lost a bit, and now I'm here, getting rejected by man after man, driving a beat ass car, working at a job that I'm overqualified for, in a city I don't want to be in, surrounded by people that don't really know me, and trying like hell not to lose my way.

Jesus. If you read all that, then yay! You're cool.

I guess I just had to purge some words.

Gotta get ready for work. Think thin.

Peace.

XO

~Sar

It comes in 3's

Hey BlogLand and bloggers and anonymous readers and haters and lovers and smokers and jokers. How are you? I'm shitty! I need to complain for a (brief) minute so here I go: I'm sick and have been all weekend ON TOP OF having my monthly visitor! Oh joy! I love being a woman! Oh, and last night! My car broke down!!! :) :) :)

I'M
SO
FREAKIN'
PUMPED
ABOUT
MY
GOOD
FORTUNE!!



////////not.

I'm sick and tired and lazy and blah and car-less and just about out of weed and job-less and just lost, a poor lost soul who's pouting but thankfully you can't see because you'd probably kick me. And slap me. And I'd like it, because I'm a dirty kinky bitch.


That is all.

P.s. START COMMENTING DAMMIT I'M LONELY!!!!!!

P.p.s. Despite my self pity I managed to have a decent weekend with my friends. Boys and drinks and free shots both nights.

<3

Think thin~
~Sar

The huge snow storm that wasn't

Schools and businesses closed, the ordering of more plows, fear, people rushing to grocery stores for stocking-up reasons...and the result is a big let down. Maybe two inches of the white stuff, not the eighteen being hyped. We heard the worst for days and the big day, today, is a disappointment and I hate when they do that. Fear-mongering makes me sick but I fall for it every time.

In other news, my throat hurts.I'm sitting upstairs with my cat, smoking a little and thinking. I think so much every minute, my brain is always moving around, clashing, and running circles around thoughts around ideas around negativity.

Some days I feel hate, contempt, anger, and annoyance. With myself. With everyone.

Some days I feel...decent. Alive. Healthy?

Every minute of every day is a battle. Do I do the wrong thing? Or the right thing? It all conflicts. 

I'm feeling explanatory today, as if these simpleton words could unpack my data. AS IF. 

I think I'm going to take those pics from last time down. I was hoping for more comments, honestly. Even mean, brutally blunt ones. I was ready for the insults. Another strange let down.

Life is full of that, isn't it? One step forward, nine steps backward. It's tiring. I am still job-less, but that's perfectly expected, seeing as how I've only applied at two places.

*Two*

I need to get on the freaking ball but I'm having a hard time leaving my comfort zone. Help. Any ideas appreciated.

Today:

Honey nut cheerios (no milk) - 300

Apple - 50

Coffee (black) - 10

Baked tortilla chips -70

Guacamole - 110

I'm guessing high, like always. Those cheerios were eaten last night around 1:30 AM. I obviously have to count those in today's calories so I feel like a heifer right now, plain and simple. Thankfully there was only a tiny bit of guac and chips left so no chance of a binge, not like I wanted to binge today. I need to think thinner. This is getting old.

Once I have a job and feel busy but on a routine and normal again, I know life will be better. I just need to cross this bridge of internal struggle. 

Stay strong !! 

~Sar

Chill out

Hey thanks for the encouraging, supportive comments on that last post. I thought I'd update because the binge was truly not commonplace, I mean, I've been being really strong and disciplined. Something happened that night though, it was like a flick of a switch.

The next day I woke feeling full, bloated, and fat. I didn't eat for a good 12-14 hours so then when I finally did, it was an apple. Then candy [350] and some chocolate almond milk [120]. This was yesterday. Doing good, doing great, and then my parents both went to bed (never at the same time though, I'm always waiting later for my dad to go upstairs). I busted out of this house and brushed so much snow off my car and left. I smoked while I drove, thinking I wanted food but then *panicking* hardcore about food, with the binge memory near and clear. I was shaking and couldn't drive right. The green could have something to do with this, but the thought of food was hatefully ripping my soul to pieces.

I compromised with myself, ended up at Wendy's, ordered a "value" fries and donated a dollar to Hunter's Hope so now I have these coupons for free fries and frosties from Wendy's. Wonderful.

So that little snack was 220 calories, but my gluttony does not stop there. I drove myself to that 24 hour coffee place and bought a donut at 250 calories. I was so hungry, I really was. I didn't eat anything else once I got home besides some gum [20]. Here's the thing, there is just not a lot of vegetarian food here. It's a good thing, for sure. It's just that my body starts craving sustenance. It sucks. I've lived here two weeks and a pattern might be forming. I don't eat much during the day because nothing here looks or sounds good, so I restrict. But later on, I start getting that feeling in my stomach of real emptiness. I should be embracing it but instead I'm panicking and thinking about food.

What the fuck.

So on a different note, I played wii for a bit today. Wii sports. Good workout! Especially the tennis and boxing :) I need to exercise more for sure, because just doing it gave me a little motivation. I threw a load of clothes in the washer. Some of them had been sitting in my hamper since before Christmas. I haven't done laundry or anything useful really. This has been a somewhat depressing start to the new year. My attitude is alright but my drive to succeed at life is slipping. My point is that exercise helped, even stubborn old me can admit that.

I can't stop listening to "Bridge over troubled water"...what a beautiful, uplifting song.

I keep having dreams about moving. I'm DONE moving...for awhile. I need a job then an apartment. That's the plan. Ok I have a freaking plan and my back hurts from 10 minutes of exercise and I'm sitting here smoking weed and blowing it out a crack in my childhood bedroom window. LOL. Life shouldn't be taken so damn seriously! I have been taking EVERYTHING so seriously lately and I want/need to chill.

It's snowing again. I need to hit up a store for some things for my cat. Take care everyone.

<33

Sar

Ps Think thin duhhh!!!!

(: