If I had a dollar for every one of my issues I'd be a rich woman. I think the combination of my ednos, being without therapy, working a job that drives me so crazy the stress manifests physically, living at home with my dysfunctional family, my overactive mind, my drug use, the genes passed down from my mentally unhealthy parents, the way thing are going in this country, the amount of money I'm making (which is considerably less than the U.S. "poverty" line), etc., is really starting to get to me.
How can I come out on top? And more importantly, why am I such a bitch?
My mood swings and lack of sleep contributed to my snarky mouth and foul attitude this weekend. My sister was visiting from out of state and whenever she comes my mother gets all competitive for her attention, and it makes me feel like shit.
I get that my sis is my mom's precious firstborn and I try to be understanding, but when I feel burned or done wrong, it's almost impossible to keep my mouth shut. So my mom and I were mad at each other all weekend and my sister is just not the same. Is that what marriage and having a one year old child does to people? Makes them lose all sense of self? If so, then I'm happy as fuck to be single with no chance of getting knocked up any time soon.
This is my 400th post on Blogger. Damn. That makes me feel...well, nothing really. I'm numb and I'm really starting to forget how to live.
My mom just knocked on my bedroom door and told me I got a bill from my skipped sessions with my therapist. (How ironic, I was just thinking about that). I said, "ok" so she slipped it under my door, with no other words exchanged.
I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed, laptop in front of me, and out of the corner of my eye I can see the white envelope. Maybe I'll just throw it away without looking at it. Maybe I'll look at it and pay it. What I really want is for my parents to pay for it, but how can I ask for favors now?
They probably hate me. I would hate me, if I was them. I am the Daughter From Hell. The one they most likely wish miscarried. What a terrible thought to think and yet I wouldn't be surprised.
I did 4 loads of laundry today. I vacuumed. <-- Every time I type that it looks wrong. What a weird word. Anyway. I ate a lot, and right now I have terrible heartburn. Fun fact, I never had heartburn until I started purging 2 years ago. I'm so sick of food. I'm tired of being responsible for what I eat. I'm done, just fucking done.
Think thin, people.
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Also, any life advice? I'm a bitter, cynical 25 year old child. How can I be happy with myself? How can I stop pushing people away? How can I stop speaking my mind and letting the cold hard truth drip hatefully off my tongue without any sense of remorse or regret? How can I be ok with things as they are? How can I smile without any trace of fake? How can I laugh at jokes, instead of taking them seriously and ruining everything?
Thanks.
XO
~Sar~
