Fog

I'm so torn. I feel like I don't even own my life. I'm just in a fog. Day in, day out. Same stupid brain. Tried for over a week to cut back on weed. Didn't buy any. Downloaded an app. Sucked the shit out of my vape. Struggled with insomnia and moodiness. Legit felt the void in my routine. Last night, after a hellish work experience, with the weekend beckoning, I walked to the dispensary. I bought: another vap, an eight of nug, and a 1 gram joint to share with the girls. My friend is making dinner and we're all getting together later, so figured I'd bring some herbal refreshment.

Did I mention I was intending to do "Sober October"? Of course not, I rarely blog. I started with the best of intentions. Tried to rally my friends. Told K. all about it. But then, as hinted in my previous post, shit hit the fan with us. Two incidents, days apart. And right now there is such tension. I "broke up" with  him and blocked him on everything the other day. He started emailing me. At first it was harsh then evolved into him begging me to talk to him and promising we could try couples therapy. I had my yearly physical and described the depression I've been feeling. They added a THIRD medication. I haven't filled it yet. I ended up unblocking him from the doctor's office just to tell him.

The next day he sent me flowers. Then we got on the phone and he said the wrong thing and I went nuclear and blocked him again. He apparently reached out to his sister basically in tears begging her to talk to me. She messaged and called me, asking me to talk to him. I unblocked him AGAIN just so he would stop involving her.

He's been unblocked ever since but we have not gotten back on the phone. I'm not going to bother going into details about our fight(s) because what I truly want to blog about is how I feel going forward. "Confused" is not a feeling but it's where I'm at. So I figured I would try to figure this out.

Why I want to make it work:

I love him

We can talk through anything

He's in individual therapy and willing to do couples therapy

Shared values

Common interests

He makes me laugh

He is fighting for our relationship

Why I want to end it:

He's an asshole 

His mental health has weaknesses

We fight too much

I feel like I've changed his lifestyle and have lingering guilt

I don't feel good enough for a loving relationship

I wonder if I deserve better

Long term commitment scares me

Having children someday scares me

Fears of being betrayed or lied to

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There is a chance I'll add to both lists, but just throwing these together real quick is eye opening. There are more "reasons" to end it, but they are fear-based reasons and insecurity.

FUCK.

I really hate myself sometimes. I constantly have dreams of us breaking up. My neck fucking hurts from being hunched over like this and it's 11:22AM on a Saturday. NOW WHAT?

I'm so fucking lost. I'm so torn. I'm so depressed and anxious and weak and fickle and pathetic. I'm a pothead. I hate my job. I don't know what other job to even get. This year has been SO HARD on me. I'm tired. My nose is runny. My apartment is a mess. I need serious help.

Guess who slept over last night?

So here's how it happened: I worked last night. I was only there for a couple hours but I made decent money and had a customer compliment me. I was feeling good. I hadn't drank all week so I stopped at the store on my way home for some wine. It was on sale, two for $10.

I came home, poured a glass, grabbed my pipe, and slipped into something more comfortable. I sat down at my laptop and proceeded to veg out for a bit. Then I read something about how "all work and no play makes people dull". I don't want to be dull. I decided to liven up my night and text some guys, including M. and my neighbor Jake.

Jake instantly texted me back and invited me over for a drink. His buddy was coming too. At this point I'm two glasses in. I quickly got ready and walked across the street to his house. We ended up listening to music, playing cards and drinking games. It was a mellow mood, nothing crazy, but I had a fun time and got trashed. I finished the entire bottle of chardonnay. The guys were going to go out to the bar and I was not up for it so they walked me home. I looked at my phone. M. had texted me again, we had been texting for a few hours...

So I'm laying on the couch in my apartment at 2AM and we're sending crazy text messages. I'm saying I'm mad at you, swearing (ie. fuck you and go to hell), etc...basic psychotic babble typical from me. I'm wasted, falling asleep with my phone by my ear. 

RING goes the phone and it's M. He's HERE, down in my entranceway. (I give him props for remembering which house is mine, I couldn't pick his out). I run down the stairs in a blur, swing open the door, and there is he, smiling at me.

It was the first time I've seen him since the dick sucking drama. He comes upstairs and we start talking stuff out intensely and honestly because we are both under the influence. I turn on the music. We smoke, drink. Later we're outside smoking a cigarette (probably 4:30AM) and he asks if he can crash on my couch.

What was I going to say, no? Of course not. I said that's fine. ;)

Fast forward 15-20 minutes and he's in my bedroom, on my bed, petting my cat, who is sleeping there. I join them, the cat jumps away. It's just me and M., in my bed. He takes off his shirt and asks me if I'm comfortable. I say not yet and get up to brush my teeth, wash my face, take out my contacts, and change. I put on some soft pj pants and a flimsy cami. No bra. 

We hadn't kissed or anything up until that point. The vibe had been pretty positive with a little sexual tension in the air. Laying next to him felt really good. We started making out. hardcore. It was getting really hot and heavy with our bodies pressed against each other. The blankets fell to the floor in our passion. And there truly was passion...we were really in the moment.

I *knew* that I would not go "all the way"!! I have suffered in the past weeks over getting so intimate with him before being in an exclusive relationship. I knew *for certain* what the boundary was and made it clear to him, which he respected.

We just danced on the edge. And it was truly amazing.

I need to be blunt, because as you know when writing your mind can veer off. I'm there last night right now (in my thoughts). We could've fucked *so* easily and it would have been so good. So good. He was turning me on soo much. I was really into it. We both were.

This hasn't happened in a long time. I haven't been getting much action at all...since my ex and I broke up last April.

Anyway, we didn't have sex or oral sex, just some kissing and touching and I have zero regrets. I feel fine with happened. All I can do is not overthink everything.

This morning was interesting/cute. We only slept for a few hours when he rolled over and asked me what time it was. He had to get up early today because he's helping shoot a music video for a local band.

We cuddled for a couple minutes and actually did the morning breath kiss (which I hate) but I didn't mind. Too much. He got out of bed and started pacing around my apartment, getting tylenol, getting dressed, making phone calls, and then out of the blue he started talking to me. About feelings and shit. I responded in my somewhat sober tough as nails but detached way. I am not sure what we concluded, if anything.

Then he was gone and I was alone, so unbelievably hungover (bottle of wine and barely anything to eat - amateur mistake). After puking my guts out, I went back to sleep.

The only other person who slept in my bed here in this apartment was my ex.

My head is still pounding. Need to shower and get out to the store. There is literally no food here. 

I will buy fruit, soup, peanut butter, raisins, mixed nuts, salad, frozen vegetables, probably some sliced cheese and maybe chocolate. Pretty normal trip for me. This is what I eat. (I usually have whole grain bread in the house also). Trying to expand my horizons with food. I never cook. I want to be more feminine and embrace cooking. I felt bad that I couldn't even make him something to eat this morning.

Oh my god. M. slept over and we hooked up. I'm amazed at how things come full circle. I was getting over him! I wasn't stalking his fb page (anymore). I didn't respond when he texted me on Wednesday (forgot to mention that). I now realize that we will most likely cross paths again. I am alright with this new development. This thing between us does not feel finished.

Still busy as hell and just going to focus on me, but I want more of that hot passion. Getting a little action is good. Fingers crossed we pick it up where we left off. Who knows what will happen? Such is life.

Thanks for sticking through to the end, I know this was a long post. I am going to start my day now (my only day off this week). It is evening technically and we got so much more snow but I'm going to make some moves and ensure a good rest of my night. Gotta nurse this hangover still. Back to work in the AM.

Men. Can't live with them. Can't live without them.

Love you so much, readers.

Peace,

and love...

~Sar

Edited to say: I never made it to the store.

Freaky scratched out faces

I know it's risky to show myself, but whatever - life's short. Scroll down to see me in my Halloween costume :)

Jeez Lousie, a LOT can happen in a week! Remember coworker J. who I was crushing on? Turns out he is a drug-addicted dud; I'm hoping he gets canned. Mean, I know. Never said I was nice.

On the happier hand, another J. (good guy friend) dropped the bomb and admitted that he "likes" me. He's older and just bought a house, so I'd be foolish to ignore this. Even though I told him straight up I wasn't looking for a relationship. He took it well and we're playing things by ear and seeing how it goes.

Enough about men, there will ALWAYS be men.

I need to get out of this depressed state. You are surely familiar with the "waves" of depression...I am riding low, real low lately. Smoking weed in the morning and at night, declining invites with people left and right, sabotaging myself by going to chill with an ex-boyfriend, ignoring my desire to organize. I have paperwork piled up on my desk. I have a floor that needs vacuuming. I have at least 2 loads of laundry that need to be done. 

I have plans to make and execute. I have a life that needs to be lived. So where the fuck is my head? There has been a noticeable difference in me since I stopped therapy and I'm ashamed of that. I'm mad that I can't beat this. But really...I'm not even trying. I'm floating. 

Nothing seems right. My life feels like a joke. I feel lost all the time, like seriously confused about who I am and where I'm supposed to be. I'm 25 and beyond unsettled, but I'm watching close friends get married. Have babies. Buy houses and brand new cars and large grills.

What the fuck am I doing?

Drinking coffee and smoking a bowl before work. Yesterday I ate many "fun-size" candy bars...fuck you Halloween!! Wish I was wearing a costume to work, but we're "not allowed".

Think thin - I haven't ate yet today and maybe I won't because I need to punish myself for yesterday's fantastic failure. 

Stay strong.

xo~Sar

P.s. Here's me (on the left) and my bff last weekend in our Halloween costumes:

Sorry for the freaky scratched out faces. 

If you happen to recognize me...hello and thanks for reading! 

*Happy Halloween*