New year, fresh chapter

It's a new year. My cousin had a baby today. My cousin is gorgeous and quite well off. We're the same age and I've always compared myself to her. Growing up together, she was more outgoing, kinda spoiled, and popular/athletic during school. I was shy and kinda rebellious, a troubled girl falling through the cracks in a big family. I got into drugs, she did not. She's always done well, had good steady jobs and nice apartments. I switched jobs countless times and lived in tiny lofts. She married someone with a very wealthy profession and they live in a gigantic house out in the suburbs. I'm unmarried, in a relationship where the man I love has a serious illness. I'm not even afraid to admit that I'm totally jealous of her. 

Don't get me wrong, it doesn't feel good to admit that and I don't believe I've ever indicated same to her. The funny thing is, despite everything above, it's possible I have strengths that she doesn't. I'm definitely more independent. I've traveled solo, she's always traveled in groups. I'm a tad unconventional and not concerned with staging my life on social media. She posts everything. Perhaps these are just differences and not strengths but for a moment there it felt like my self confidence was trying to have a word.

I'm happy about the baby and look forward to meeting it. I'm just in a mood - woke up feeling ok but it changed quickly. Cat was driving me nuts. Apartment needed cleaning. Bf caught covid and I had to test yesterday but it was negative, twice. Not sure if I should test again today. I don't feel sick, at least. 

I was told some disturbing details about my family member who is in hospice. Found myself morbidly reading about end of life stuff. I'm so sick of living with this all. How can I detach? I told my coworker yesterday I was numb. She and I were having a nice chat and she had mentioned a few times about her mom and started crying as she described a recent occurrence. She then get all embarrassed and was like  "sorry for crying, it's literally nothing compared to everything that's going on with you". It was validating but all I said was "It's ok to cry, I'm honestly numb at this point". 

Sometimes I am numb. But obviously I'm self medicating. I cry of course. I cry every day sometimes. I scream and yell and hurt myself and other with my hateful words. Last week I cried and screamed so much the capillaries around my eyes started to burst. Stuff has been bleak lately.

I skimmed some posts from 2023 last night. There is no question, even without looking back at old posts, that was 2023 was a rough year for me. I felt sad though, seeing how many of my posts describe feeling mad or sad or stressed. I need to live a different way if this is my mood the majority of the time.

But how?? 

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It's Saturday and my bf is sick so I have the day to myself. It's noon and I gotta shower. I've already cleaned up a bit. The plan is to put my Christmas decorations away. And just veg, I guess. It's supposed to snow today. I need to grocery shop. My appetite has been so wonky lately. I actually lost weight from the stress and not eating as much.

I bought a nice new scale a couple months ago. Holding steady around 131. This is a good weight for me. I feel and look thin. Not that I am super obsessed about my weight these days. I just kinda leave it alone. I don't like binging so that's never a worry. I never ever purge or feel tempted. I mean, it pops into my mind once in awhile as a memory, but it's not an actual desire. I don't try to skip meals or starve myself EVER because I have found that when my blood sugar crashes I get soo mean. I eat as regularly as possible just not a ton and I watch what I eat. Not too much sugar. Not too much carbs. Strive for protein and fiber. I'm still a vegetarian and I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. Plus my anti depressants have an appetite suppressing side effect. 

It's time to end this, thanks for reading. Felt good to vent.

xoxo Sar

Mind time traveling

Sitting here close to midnight alone and contemplative. Tomorrow is the first day of my new job. Why do I feel scared to wake up so early? It's like I don't think I can handle waking at the crack of dawn, just because it's been awhile and I'm up late. My fears befuddle me.

I will get up and go, start this new chapter with a smile and ambition. I can do this. I can stick this out. I can commit.

I have changed jobs so many times. I have had a million first days.

Keeping my part time job for as long as I can to catch up financially. I plan to save some money and take a weekend trip as soon as possible. I have Fridays off at my new job, plus the weekend obviously. Sucks for money purposes (hence why I'm keeping second job) but it's AWESOME. Who am I kidding?

I don't mind working two jobs for a bit longer. Staying busy keeps me less dependent upon the attention of boys. Not talking really to anyone at the moment. You know how it changes fast though...

I feel like I ate a lot today. I am too grossed out to list it all. I didn't binge, just ate a little too much and I want to walk for ten miles but it's night and I am not walking alone in this city after dark. Excuses?

I'll make up for it tomorrow, I promise. I will restrict during the day (at work) and at night I'll stay strong. Let my eyes linger on the prize.

I did some cleaning today and took myself shopping. I haven't been clothes shopping in months. I bought four shirts on a store charge card. The total was about $60. No, I should not have spent the money but they were on sale and are all work-wearable and guess what chicken butt - it was needed. I'm working in a ritzier suburban area and need to dress the part want to fit in. I'll pay it off next month.

Rewinding time to Saturday night...I went to my neighbor's and partied it up. Wine, weed, blow. Just a little bit. I know, I'm bad. Needless to say I was up until about 6:30AM and could not sleep in. I forgot how it effects me. I was tired all day and today as well.

Smoking gave me a jolt and my nerves are back for tomorrow. Deep breath. I can do this. I know I can. I love a challenge! I long for work and a paycheck. I have accomplished my goal! I have successfully bounced out of underemployment. I saved myself! I will no longer be broke. I will have a routine. I will discover new parts of myself. I will not gain weight. I will maintain or lose...there's really no other acceptable option.

Everything I tried on today fit. I did not have to exchange sizes. It felt good to feel sort of thin. Must stay strong.

Gotta finish this pipe and hit the hay. Going to take on tomorrow with confidence. Have a great day!!

xo
Sar

Ever been to Oslo?

I'm feeling quite thin today. It had to be noted. See Sar, you are not a fat failure all the time! The only good thing about stress is lack of appetite. I literally cannot binge when I'm stressed. It's just not fun.

Yesterday: bagel (breakfast), salad (lunch), wine (dinner).
Today: tortilla (90 cal) and carrots w/hummus (90 cal). This was brunch.

Plus coffee, obviously.

I don't feel hunger, just hipbones.

OH! I tried on my bikini yesterday for the hell of it. It's an old one, I've had it for about three years, but it's still cute and not faded or anything. Anywho it looked pretty damn good on me. I must say, for a 27 year old. I will not be embarrassed on the beach or by the pool, I will be confident. Righteous!

I'm going to finish a couple of chores. get ready, gas up the vehicle, and hit the road for my day drive. It's a nice sunny day and I'm feeling alright with the world. Later!

-Sar

Maybe it's all in my head

I'm dressed to the nines. I have an interview at 1:30 at a staffing agency for a full time job. I NEED this and to prepare, I woke super early. So early in fact that I am completely ready and just sitting here feeling my nerves. I am wearing this sophisticated three quarter sleeve colorfully printed wrap dress, black tights, black heels, and a black suit jacket. I am also wearing a new necklace, a gold bracelet, and gold earrings. My hair looks good. I look good.

And yet I'm fighting back the internal verbal beating that comes along with eating. You see, whenever I have something like this (interview, etc. where I need to be able to think straight) I feel like it's important to eat a substantial breakfast. So I made two scrambled eggs with shredded cheese and two slices of buttered wheat toast. I ate it all, and washed it down with a small glass of orange juice (and lots of coffee). That seems like a decently healthy and protein-filled start to this vegetarian's day.

But I hate myself for eating all of that. It was too much. I am full now. Borderline uncomfortably full. Which as we all know is a shitty fucking feeling. So what's the answer? Certainly not a purge, hell no. I suppose I will just restrict for the rest of the day and drink enough water to cleanse the system. You're welcome, brain. Hope you get me the job.

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I hung out with B. yesterday and got soo stoned. I literally came home and crashed. I was numb after two bongs with him but he was still going strong. He is definitely an addict. Well I suppose I am too. I wonder if this place will drug test?

How many times a day do I look in the mirror and raise my shirt (dress) and critique the flatness of my stomach? Too many. I have to tell myself, I am thinner than my friends. I am thin. I am not fat. I'm starting to think that for many of us, "fat" is a feeling and not an actual size.

Anyone watch Glee? I'm interested to see where they take Marley's bulimia story line. Maybe we'll find out tonight? (Yes I know, I'm a huge dork who loves television about high school haha).

Still no news about my dad. He had his CT scan, now we wait for test results. I'm trying to remember how to pray. Also, that medical billing bullshit I was freaking out about is seemingly resolving itself. So that's good.

Think thin, loves. Wish me luck today, if I can get this higher paying full time job I can actually move out as soon as possible! Which is what I want! I can visualize it but can I make it happen? Hope so!

XO
Sar