First Day

Good morning. Today is my first day of work. I am nervous and excited. I also feel enormous. I hate being so fat. I hate how soft my body is. I hate how out of shape and gross I am. I was looking in the mirror and almost puked at the sight of my fat stomach, fat arms, fat thighs, and fat ass. I'm fat. I just had to get these thoughts out. I need to get serious about working out. Time is not on my side anymore. Nobody told me that your late twenties are filled with fat days.

I reinstalled Lose It on my cell phone and I've been tracking my intake. I've been taking long walks. It's not enough. It's NEVER ENOUGH. I just want a slim, smooth body. No lumps or bumps under my clothes. I want to see more bones. I need to lose weight. I am grotesque.

Not sure why I woke up feeling especially huge. OK, I know exactly why. Yesterday I did not eat very healthy. And I slept like shit last night. Combined with getting dressed in "business casual" for the first time in a month and I am so ashamed to say that my size four black pants are tight. They fit but they're too tight. I have gained. I am so upset about this. So I sit here currently, wearing my size six black pants, feeling like a failure. A fat failure on her first day.

It's time to buy a scale and get with the program. What is happening to me? I'm sick of camouflaging my body, strategically wearing clothes to cover my blubber. God help me.

Think thin.

I'm off, peace.
xo
-S.

Help : /

I've been bad. I've been binging. The scale is evil and the number gets higher every day. Is it me? Am I really fucking shit up this bad? Yes, I think so.

I feel horrible. I don't know how to get back in control. Ready for today's food list? Here it is, starting last night around midnight:
Tortilla chips with salsa and guacamole. [600]
Bagel with cream cheese. [350]
2 cookies. [200]
Bite of a nut covered brownie. [75]
1 slice of bread with egg salad, cheese, lettuce, folded over to make a sandwich. [200]
I slice of bread with peanut butter. [190]
Doritos (lots). [375]
Salad with tomato, onion, mushrooms, small amount of mozzarella and dressing. [150]

Total calories for Monday, up until 4 PM... 2140

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is WAY worse than I thought, and it's only going to get shittier...why, you ask? BECAUSE I AM BEING FORCED TO GO OUT TO DINNER WITH MY FAMILY. FUCKFUCKFUCKSHITASSCUNTDAMNDAMNDDAMNITALLLLLLLL!

Oh my god. And we're going for Mexican.

You know what guys? I have been eating way more than 2000 calories every day. I calorie count on a post it note on my lap top. I am a big fat failure. I am SO disappointed in myself. I eat so much lately. I eat until I feel like I'm going to puke, but then I don't puke. I just... go to sleep and hope to feel thinner in the morning. Isn't that fucked up? I feel so sick right now, I am so sick and sad and ashamed and I haven't even been blogging for crying out loud.

I have no motivation. I am depressed. I feel like an outsider wherever I go and I keep thinking about T. (fucking still!) and all I really want to do is go purge but I just don't WANNA!

I am SO SICK of all this.

I am SO SICK of worrying about this STUPID FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

I am FAT AND I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you want to know what the scale fucking told me when I weighed myself today?

138


I think that is my highest weight. EVER.

There are no words to describe the self-loathing.
I want to die.
No I don't.
I want to be thin.

And I won't give up on this.

I juSt nEEd to GeT baCk on TRAck!!!!!!!!!!!

Starting now.
I'm going to make a cup of laxative tea.
Then, I'll shower.
Unfortunately after that I must go get my mom from work so we can meet my dad and brother for a family dinner. Yay. Here's hoping more chaos does not ensue.

God save me.