Help : /

I've been bad. I've been binging. The scale is evil and the number gets higher every day. Is it me? Am I really fucking shit up this bad? Yes, I think so.

I feel horrible. I don't know how to get back in control. Ready for today's food list? Here it is, starting last night around midnight:
Tortilla chips with salsa and guacamole. [600]
Bagel with cream cheese. [350]
2 cookies. [200]
Bite of a nut covered brownie. [75]
1 slice of bread with egg salad, cheese, lettuce, folded over to make a sandwich. [200]
I slice of bread with peanut butter. [190]
Doritos (lots). [375]
Salad with tomato, onion, mushrooms, small amount of mozzarella and dressing. [150]

Total calories for Monday, up until 4 PM... 2140

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That is WAY worse than I thought, and it's only going to get shittier...why, you ask? BECAUSE I AM BEING FORCED TO GO OUT TO DINNER WITH MY FAMILY. FUCKFUCKFUCKSHITASSCUNTDAMNDAMNDDAMNITALLLLLLLL!

Oh my god. And we're going for Mexican.

You know what guys? I have been eating way more than 2000 calories every day. I calorie count on a post it note on my lap top. I am a big fat failure. I am SO disappointed in myself. I eat so much lately. I eat until I feel like I'm going to puke, but then I don't puke. I just... go to sleep and hope to feel thinner in the morning. Isn't that fucked up? I feel so sick right now, I am so sick and sad and ashamed and I haven't even been blogging for crying out loud.

I have no motivation. I am depressed. I feel like an outsider wherever I go and I keep thinking about T. (fucking still!) and all I really want to do is go purge but I just don't WANNA!

I am SO SICK of all this.

I am SO SICK of worrying about this STUPID FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

I am FAT AND I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you want to know what the scale fucking told me when I weighed myself today?

138


I think that is my highest weight. EVER.

There are no words to describe the self-loathing.
I want to die.
No I don't.
I want to be thin.

And I won't give up on this.

I juSt nEEd to GeT baCk on TRAck!!!!!!!!!!!

Starting now.
I'm going to make a cup of laxative tea.
Then, I'll shower.
Unfortunately after that I must go get my mom from work so we can meet my dad and brother for a family dinner. Yay. Here's hoping more chaos does not ensue.

God save me.