Freewrite.

Here I am sitting at my desk in my dorm, looking at the keys on my laptop keyboard, feeling the hot flow of rich expresso in the form of a starbucks americano. i am here. Here I am. lol. the sun shines during the day, then leaves real early these days. it is all gone by 5 pm and i miss it. i miss the sun and light and warmth. that is all a human really needs, just love and lust in the midday sparkle and glittery sun shining down on the sidewalk, maybe drying up some lingering rain, maybe baking a worm into a tough little turd or changing the chemicals in mayonaisse to something poisoness and not so tasty on your tiny little ladyfingers made with chicken salad, mayo, lettuce, celery, chopped cranberries, and this glorious combination (which i would never eat) is resting atop a tiny piece of sourdough or even toasted italian bread. today is sunday. tommorow is monday. i am sarah. you are you. i like this. i hate this. i like to type hard and let loose my anger on this stupid keyboard which taunts me and tease me throughtout this fucking day! i just want to be able. i just need to do it. why cant i do it. why.why.why. why. tell me why! or at least DO SOMETHING make something happen, even a page, A PAGE, afucking single solitary page of writing for one of my HUGE PAPERS due tomorrow that i havent even started but managed to kill myself with stress this past week just thinking about it, and building this huge mountain in my mind, and not doing one damn thing to relieve this STRESS. JUST STRESSING ABOUT IT. THAT IS ALL I DO. I AM A FUCK UP A FAILURE I AM TIRED OF ME I AM TIRED OF SCHOOL. LAST WEEK AT THIS TIME I HAD OVER A FUCKING WEEK AND WHAT DID I DO? OH THATS RIGHT. NOTHING! NOTHING! GOT HIGH! DRANK! HAD SEX WITH A MAN WHO CONFUSES ME AND FRUSTRATES ME YET GIVES ME JOY! enough is enough my neck is strained and tense my breathing is jagged. my heart is irregular i feel nothing only pain and sickness and sadness. this depression is eating me alive. omg.oh my god. why. why? and yet i am still able to look at the other hand that stupid other hand which saves my sanity. at least i am not a a crack addicted bum sitting on the side of the boulevard begging for handouts and feeling regret when someone hands me an apple because all i really want is money for more crack! at least that is not me but who knows what my future holds because i swear it, i swear, i do not know where i am headed: down the drain or up the path of righteousness. who the fuck even knows any more. seriously. freaking the fuck out. here, now. i am here. it is now. it is time. i am doing this. I HAVE TO DO THIs. i need a reprieve oh wait bad idea because if i get a few hours to myself all i do is surf the internet, eat, do drugs, distract myself. i am so fucking DISTRACTABLE i swear if my head was not attached it would float away and i would worry about getting it back for one second until, i dont know, a giant panda leaps across my view and im like, "oh joy!" and forget the real world and what is REally going on with me.

Across the Universe.

A wonderful, fantastic movie. Inspiring, moving, truthful, sad, happy, psychedelic; "Across the Universe" has it all. Beatles songs are sang in different ways, giving the words new meaning and emotion. Truly a tribute to a legendary act, a dynamic foursome. Their angelic, soulful voices give me hope.

Binary Behavior?

Too often I sit here and try to come up with a random topic to feed my frenzy, when the truth is I should just write creatively about my daily crazy experiences-I may just get more feedback. Last night I went to "A talk on bisexuality", sponsored by the Pride Alliance. I dragged a friend along. The talk was given by a woman, "Wendy," who happens to be married to another woman; those two are from Massachusetts. She was interesting, but incredibly long winded with dull pauses in between her similar statements and reading out loud printed facts that we all (all 30!) had a copy of. There was a questionnaire on the back of each that we ended up using for the "interactive" portion of the chat/tutorial. Good to know that people are not lumped into two sexual orientations: Straight or Gay. There is apparently a six digit scale, with the numbers spread across the map. It was so awkward at first, at least for me; my face was red and my pulse burst; a simple game of naming your name and hometown eased the clog and students laughed again. I learned something though, I am not concerned with labels - I am who I am.

Philosophy reading for today.

I made an attempt to complete it, a small attempt, but two paragraphs in and my mind was swimming. It probably does not help that I am listening to John Lennon wail about his Mother on Youtube. Somewhat distracting, but such a beautiful song that I cannot bring myself to turn it down or off. So here I am, 30 minutes before class, blogging instead of studying. Typical! I just switched to "Give Peace A Chance", so inspirational and moving. John is incredibly dedicated here, he makes me blush, I want to follow him, do what he did, change the world. He is amazing, such a hippie though, haha. Long hair, a huge smile, glazed eyes, a positive, befuddled message. I am smiling. Nothing better.

Allison Hedge Coke, a visiting poet, is reading tonight; I need to see this because I missed Joy Harjo. I love poetry and poets and poetic images.

Guess I don't have too much to say, my mind is everywhere right now. Very hard to focus. See you later, blog! Peace!

I have gourds on my desk.

Is this appropriate? I think so. It being November and all. I realize that decorative gourds being on my desk is very irrelevant, but I have never been good at introductions, so it is a good place to start! I find it hard to introduce people to each other. At times it is simply because I forget someone's name. Most of the time I am more concerned with my next adventure. That is me in a nutshell I guess: adventurous. I like doing things. I like going places. I like seeing sights. I contradict myself here, because above all, I need to feel warm, safe, and secure. Everywhere. If not, I am uncomfortable. Call this a fact finding mission.

Facts about me! I am discovering the land of the free! My mind is a sponge, I want to squeeze it. I want to understand what it consists of. I need to know what is there, what I have bothered to include in me. Random things, most likely. Like song lyrics, quotes, away messages, nutrition facts. A constant stream of blah blah blah in my ear. My multifaceted mind keeps me guessing! I never know which way my mood will go. When I wake up, I am either ready to start the day (rarely), or I refuse to get out of bed or think at all (most of the time). I like sleeping. I guess it coincides with the whole "me wanting to feel safe and warm" thing. But who gets places by staying in a bed all day? Not anyone that matters. Like it is up to me to decide what and who matters. I matter! Haha! I MATTER. I care. I matter to me. I matter to my mom. I matter to my dad. My brothers. My sister. I fucking matter, damnit. So start believing it!!!!!

If I matter so much, then there is a reason for my existence. I have a purpose. I am here for the long haul, hopefully. And that's true.. I can only hope. I want to be here, on this earth, alive, for a decent life span! I do, I truly do. I am so scared however, that I am going to stupidly cut my time short. I need to care about myself. I need to love myself. I love me! I love me!

And I am so sorry if anyone reading this is disgusted with my so called superficiality and this conceited sounding post I am typing, but if you knew me.... If you could see me, if you understood; there would be no judgment. I don't want to be disliked or judged, obviously it is going to happen. I am insecure a lot of the time. I am really nobody special and I know this. TRUST ME. I feel a sparkle of light down very deep, I don't see it, I feel it sometimes, but I know it is there. It is always there with me. This glimmer of shining serenity gets me through the hardest times. I allow this faith to creep slowly up around me, because I revel in the quiet joy while hesitating to believe it is even there.

I do not know if this makes any sense. I am hyped up on caffeine. McDonalds iced coffee is truly crack for someone as addicted to caffeine as me. (Probably 4 cups of black coffee per day). Back to my insecurities. I am trying to break free! I am somebody. I am a daughter. I am loved. I don't always feel it. It is there. I gotta have faith! Like the Limp Bizcut cover. Enough of this talking up, down, sideways. Time to do some homework. I will leave anyone that bothers to read this with three simple words:



PEACE ON EARTH!



*And to Bonnie* Thank you; you are an angel. I was drowning in self doubt, wallowing in depression, weighed down by a thousand boulders. Your comment meant the world to me. To know that someone randomly found my blog and felt a need to comment. Wow. I really can't show you my smile through words, I can't explain why I needed it, I can just say thank you. Thank you. God bless you.

Marriage looks scary.

I dread it. I dread the future at times. I am sitting here, contemplating my parent's happiness. I don't sense much, I feel scared at times, and there really is nothing I can do but accept the sad fact of the world's imperfection. I feel used at times. I feel like a user other times. I am listening to Sublime and typing somewhat ragged, to be expected after three glasses of wine. So many assignments on the horizon, so much opportunity for failure. Or success, depending on how I look at it that day. I take pictures. I dance in front of the mirror. I die a little everyday. I feel the weight of depression sometimes. When I am low, I am low. When I am high, I am happy and stoned and generally out of it, not thinking. Until my brain kicks my heart in the butt, and I start thinking. I think, I think, I think. I think. After all is said and done, I just fucking think. And stare, and wonder, and think, and love, and leave, and wait. Time after time, moment upon moment, hour on hour. It all goes so fast. I can't catch up with myself.

Nothing inspirational tonight, folks. All musings brought on by a ridiculous conversation/ fake palm reading/ the arrival of my parents/ speaking to my mom. Just friends. Evilness.

Munching on candy corn.

That I am. Note to self, head down to laundry room at 7:20 pm to make the switch. This night, usually one for celebration, is filled to the brim with questions. I considered heading home. I thought about taking a nap. I pondered going downtown. I wondered if clothes shopping would make me happy. In the end, I am sitting here, blogging, doing laundry; doing nothing really. My roommate was asleep which is always fun. I try to be quiet while still making annoying noises, just because. Because of how many times I have been rudely woken up by her. Payback is a fucking bitch. So are you! But yeah, so when the room is dark and silent I am so confused! I do not know what to do with myself. Darkness tends to do that. Now she is awake and there is a small amount of light coming from her vanity mirror. Oh, I know why. She has exactly an hour and a half until she has to be somewhere. That is an hour and a half of getting ready! And spraying hair shit and 20 squirts of perfume!! I need to stop. Breathe. Ahhhhh!!!!!! Get me out of here!!!!!!

Imagine a soft green sweater and my warm contentment.

Reading the title of the blog reminds me of sitting next to a blazing fireplace, ash and sparks crisscross and crackle. A blanket, hot from the fire, is almost as crucial as a good novel and/or a cup of hot chocolate with whipped cream and cinnamon. I am procrastinating. Time to do two simple errands and you'd think I had to cross a blustery tundra. Chewing on Australian Style licorice makes my just brushed teeth happy, and my disposition sweeter. Joy Harjo tonight in McEwen, that should be amazing. To be accomplished is to know true bliss, I bet, I would not know. I can accomplish menial tasks such as a shower. Whoop de do. Zippity Doo Dah. Zippity Day! Hakuna Matata. Hannah Montana. What the fuck is being typed right now, my slender hands have minds of their own!!! Time to see.


Peace on Earth.

Well hello.

Here I am again, the same chair, facing the same direction, my feet are propped up and my back has grown stiff. I love the internet. That post last night cracks me up. I was hammered. I literally passed out cold maybe a half hour after. Two bottles of wine and two beers plus a nice empty stomach equals a wild time ending with unconsciousness. I paid for it today of course. Restless, I kept running to the bathroom and throwing up even though it was 1:30 pm before I actually "got out of bed". My head hurts. I finished my entire bottle of water without using any of it to take pills. I have been binging on everything lately. Food especially. I get these intense cravings for sugar. First it was fast food, I got myself Arby's one night, donuts the next, McDonalds fries after that, milkshakes from Burger King. Yeah this was in the span of maybe 3 days. What a pig. Then it was candy, I would go to the school store and fill up on sweets, or get ice cream (only once thank God) from Cranston, oh and I devoured a whole bag of candy corn - my kryptonite. I fucking love it. Thank you thank you thank you stores for only selling it around October. I literally cannot find it anywhere. My throat hurts and I am trying to figure out why. I smoked a cigerette last night and several in days before that. I even bought a pack, this is a classic example of me binging. I "quit", or so I told myself, but it clearly didn't last because I have zero self control. That is, when it comes to sex. I can control myself quite well when it comes to s-e-x. Maybe because I have not had the greatest sex experiences; how disappointing and true.


No more binge talks. It's time for food porn. I am deranged. Oh and no homework done yet. Ahhh get on track, girl!

Mrs. Robinson.

So here I am. In my dorm with Ben. Just drinking and thinking. I am so ready to get the fuck out of here and go party downtown. I just want to get fucked up and love life, while not remembering one thing in the morning because that is the kind of bad ass mother fucker that I am! I am fast at typing woooo. My life is on its way to being fabulous, all I need to do is get laid, do lots of drugs, love, live, sleep, and basically party my way crazy .. and then I will be set. Set. Set. Set. I just want to fuck alll day. Not with Ben. Blah blah.

I see the first tinge of afternoon through the slightly opened blinds.

I just woke up, 12 pm eastern standard time. I am sleepy and a little hungover. Last night was pretty fun. I definitely met an interesting man. A 20 year old, no less. I mean he is extremely attractive and tall, which is God-like to me, but he has been through some shit and is not afraid to talk about it. He speaks about jail time and running from the law. He tells me about catching his dad cheating on his mom in his bed with a hooker. (Then beating his dad hardcore with a baseball bat). I have never experienced that kind of thing. I mean I have seen cheating take place. But my dad? Hell no. I don't even know how I would feel.

Enough about the boy. My face is frightfully pale and my hair is greasy, time to clean up and go eat breakfast at the dining hall. Yay!

Peace.

I am a slacker.

To blog or not to blog, that is a question I haven't bothered to ask myself in months. I have been too "busy" getting high, experimenting with psychedelics, NOT working, NOT studying. When did my life lose meaning? When did my ambition drain like boiling water through a colander? Who the hell knows. At least I am wearing a cute outfit today. Sad but true. I dyed my hair black two days ago. The box said "natural dark brown" ha what a joke. It's black as night. It looks hot though. I definitely stand out a little more. I am obsessed with it. With looking good, presentable, hot, sexy, mature, pulled together, sane, skinny. The list goes on. My looks, up to this point, have defined me. How freaking sad. What will I do when I age and it all goes away? Or some nasty car wreck morphs my facial features to make me look unrecognizable? Back to my clothes. Dark denim skirt. Purple lacy tank top. Green and dark blue plaid short sleeved shirt over top. The color combination here is beautiful. I love it. How fun to know that nobody is even seeing it. I am totally skipping class right now. I don't have the 5 page paper that was due today. Oh well. I will get it handed in eventually, right? Or maybe I won't. Maybe I will just die. Or go to rehab. Give up on life like I seemingly already have. My good moods and good days are short lived. I am serious always. I don't remember laughing this week. I do remember having a melt down last Friday, Halloween, because of a bad trip on mushrooms. I need to grow up seriously. But it is hard in this college town!!! Everyone around me is 20 and just starting out, and has not really gone through shit. I have been around the block and back, been pushed around and stomped on, lived through poverty, cleaned others TOILETS, and so forth. I have paid for a child that was not mine. I have graduated from a community college. Blah Blah. My favorite two words lately, because they don't mean A THING. I just want something. something. something. To travel, to learn, to love, to be happy, to be free, to fly, to sail, to stare, to ponder, to just BE.