Halloweeen.

Happy Halloween to those who celebrate it!!
What is your costume? (If you even dress up). I dress up because I am a child at heart when it comes to Halloween..always have loved Autumn in the East, the crunching of the leaves below, the cool crisp bite of air in my ears, getting free candy, etc. Therefore each year I must do something!

I am leaving to go shopping shortly for (basically all of) my costume.
The only thing I bought is fishnet stockings. What am I dressing up as tonight?
A sexy witch. Heh. How cliche of me. But I will be seeing T. and want to look cute, might as well say I am being "sexy"..ya know. Just to get the word out there. I hope hope hope we kiss tonight!

Anyways. Just a quick post to remind myself (and YOU) to stay strong today!

Think thin!

<3

Dreams vs. Reality

I bought "Wintergirls"..I started reading it and can't put it down. But now I am online and about to do some homework (it's 1 AM). I just want to read more. I am convinced I will buckle down in the days to come, just while I am reading this. It is thin-spiring.

So T. asked me to watch a movie and then go out for drinks. I told him I had plans with friends but that I would like to see him out. I saw him briefly today and I know I blushed like crayz.
I am into him. But I need to stay away. I feel that I will corrupt him. If I keep this whole thing at arms length I should be okay.
I broke down into tears to my school advisor. :Sigh: . I was seriously depressed. I have been, it hasn't stopped. I am honestly just trying to get by without doing anything too drastic. My life is kind of a mess. I have definitely gained weight over these passed few days. I have been eating carelessly. I hate myself sometimes.

I like T. but I am too shy and too damn scared to do anything about it.
I don't want him to know the real me. He will hate me. Maybe he won't. But I do.

I just want to .... what???
I don't even know anymore.

My brain is so clogged from daily pot smoking and anxiety. I can't think. I can't spell. I can't put together a coherent sentence while speaking. I am a mess. Not a hot one, anymore.
Though I did go shopping today : )
I bought black corduroy pants, 2 long sleeved tops, 1 short sleeved top.
Good deals, too. I tried on some jeans, and wow did I feel fat. I neeeeed to start working out. I am getting older and I don't want to be flabby, I want to be fit and hot!

My body hurts. I have been staying up until at least 5 Am every day. Then getting up for a short while, then napping, then staying up super late, then getting up early, and then passing out, then getting up once again, chugging coffee and getting drunk and high.

What have I become? Who is this person typing these words? Why can't I gain some control?

I want it, damnit.
I want to own my body. I don't want my body to own me.
I want to be weightless. When T. someday touches my body I would like him to feel bone. I need to do this.

It's fucking time.

I leave you with a quote:
"I measure myself; I can't act or play soccer, and most of them have better grades than me. But I am the thinnest girl in the room, hands down."

It hurts...and it kills.

It sucks to realize that I am not what my parents wanted.
My mom freely admitted to me that my Dad did not want any more kids. She did. My whole life has been her defending me to him, her helping my case, her loving me more, her spending bonding time with me. Dad just handed over the money. I just got in a nasty fight with her. Money is SUCH a fucking issue in my family and I hate it!! In fact, my main goal in life is to get by with less money than the norm. Of course I am nowhere near it, just the mindset.

I can't even talk about this. It is all so internal, so unexplainable, so hard to find the words to portray the hurt. There are no words for it. Family is a four letter word. I have so many memories of my mom defending my Dad to me, or me to my Dad. He used to pick on me so much. He was always "joking". I "never got it". I was "too sensitive". I was a "drama queen". I was never enough. My sense of "me" is tainted by black tar.

In other news, it is 7 at night and I am eating fruit snacks. First thing I ate all day. And doing laundry, which involves lots of stair climbing. Might do 4 loads : )

Besides wanting to slit my wrists right now, I am okay. I have pot. I have somewhat healthy snacks. I have breath in my lungs and a new cd!!! from T.
He is cute. We hung out last night and laughed and laughed. He is fun. He is kissable but it has not happened. Yet.

You will be the first to know.

Starve On.
Think Thin.

Smoke sesh & ruminations.

A lot has been going on! Days have been flying by and my weight has been fluctuating, as usual.
First, I met someone last Saturday at work! T. is tall *a plus*, dark, and handsome. AND over a year older than me!!! This is ideal, and he is nice. We have texted every single day since then. We chilled outside of work as well. The downside? We work together. He just broke up with his girl...ex-girl now. And I don't know when, exactly. And I don't want to be a rebound fling!!
Sigh. It's not like I am ready for a relationship. I am scared to death of commitment and maintaining close relationships. I have no self esteem, ha. The idea of a stranger touching me in a sexual, naked kind of way just makes me shiver and blush. I am too nervous now. I have been off my meds for over a week (zoloft); I think I might be crazy as fuck, or close to it. Also, my body is not perfection. Not even close.

So last night he texted me telling me he thought I was beautiful, "in terms of looks and personality". I am not sure what to think. I know that guys are generally more straight forward, so maybe there is no extra meaning. Maybe he is attracted to me? The me inside? Scary. I feel like a badass next to him. I have done countless drugs and encountered some extremely adult experiences. Shit. He is older but younger. I don't know, I don't even know him. How can I judge him? We only "talk" through texts. What is that? What was this world of dating like without text messages??

So we went to the bar last night. I had previously pregamed with some friends; drinking, smoking, blowing lines, etc.- the norm with K. So I was out of mind, then I met up with T. and took a shot and drank a beer. After everything else? I don't know how I walked. I don't know how I talked. All I remember doing is flirting with every guy there, well not every guy...but G. (who I previously hooked up with, aka huge d!c&) and A. Muahaha I was all over A. But I was there with T. and I left with T.

This is starting to sound like a math problem. Fuck it.

Bottom line? I drank so much I puked this day away. Down to the acid. Oh it hurt, and it still hurts. But I couldn't eat or keep water down. Finalllllly I ate some brown rice and green beans. LoL..that just sounds ridiculous. But it is what I had in the house. When hungover, I crave the good stuff, like blueberry pancakes, ice cold orange juice, anything with carbs really. My body was depleted of nutrients and when I finally started to feel hungry again I just didn't want to stop at the healthy stuff.. So I left in search of dinner.

This. Gets. BAD.
I drove to DD's and got a wonderful egg white veggie flatbread and a skim latte.
(I was craving breakfast food)

I shoulda coulda woulda stopped there. But you know me.
I drove to Taco Bell and ordered a fresco bean burrito and a water. I sat in my car and devoured it. Oh my God. At this point I was on autopilot; at this point I was fucking blind. I justified my actions, "Egg whites and beans are important and good for me". Ha! It doesn't even end now.
Nope, no happy ending here, folks.
I am literally laughing out loud: I drove to McDonalds...WTF? I got a MEDIUM french fry with ketchup!!!!! WTFwtfWtF?
I drove home, kicking myself, feeling like a gluttonous elephant, feeling no control over my world, just feeling like shit.
But somehow, I brightened. Probably because my stomach was at least empty when I started. I could have gotten more, drove somewhere else, but I stopped myself. I mean, please don't get me wrong: stopping at three (3) fast food places is absolutely terrible and useless, not to mention the money spent on junk food could have been spent on a new belt. Or cute knee socks. Or even earrings. I am just happy I didn't go for a donut, which I definitely thought about. Small victory.

Since I am being so open, I am going to go in for the kill. At work, on my break, I got an egg salad sandwich. Do you hate me yet? How could I fail like this?? All the time... I know that none of us are pathetic and desperate. And yet we all succomb to tempation with little to no regard of the consequences! I can really only speak for myself. I just know that I read your blogs! And I feel like we are all riding this wave, sometimes hitting the peak and floating weightlessly across the world, and sometimes rough, choppy bottom waters bounce us around unpredicatably. All I know is that my cravings get intense and sometimes I really just need to satisfy them. I wanted eggs today, apparently. Note to self: get egg beaters.

I cannot believe how much I ate today. Let's review the list:
1 cup of brown rice (170)
green beans (85)
egg white flatbread (300)
fresco bean burrito (350)
french fries (450)
egg salad sandwich (325)
latte (150)
*approximate calorie counts* Total for today: 1830 calories holyshit. But not too bad...considering.....I purposely got the advertised "healthier" option at DD's & TB. The fries were just a comfort thing.

Well I have rambled on enough. I worked late tonight, I haven't ate since that sandwich, and now it is time to sit back and relax with my bowl and my cat.

Stay strong, all. I will too.
**Peace**

Help!?

What the fuck have I done?? I was doing just fine eating today, until about 30 minutes ago, when I was leaving campus. I was IN MY CAR leaving! But my fat ass said "I want food!" So I pulled over next to one of the buildings and went inside to the vending machine and panicked because I heard some guy come behind me. I quickly punched the button without even looking at the price and walked out of there with a HUGE garlic white "french bread" pizza...it was HUGE! What happened to not eating anything bigger than my hand???/ I should have just stuck with the freakin' muffin I saw in there...anything! would have been better than a huge slab of white bread (no nutritional value to speak of) slathered with cheese and garlic. I came home, microwaved it along with some red sauce, and ate the whole thing in about 5 minutes. Wow. I am so gross. Now my stomach feels bloated and disgusting and I am basically freakin the fuck out right now.

All I want to do is purge. Oh my god I can't though. I want to. But I can't even go there. I haven't in soo long. I can't I can't I can't. But I want to. Shit!

What can I do??

What the hell happened to my control?

Baby I can see your halo...

I was eating decently until last night when this adorable plastic box of cookies with a pink breast cancer awareness bracelet taped to the front caught my eye at the market. I had to support the cause, and I had to finish all the mini chocolate chip cookies (5 for 150 cal & 6 servings...). I am disgusted with myself, once again.

In other news I lost exactly one inch from around my waist. Not where I would choose to lose but hey, I'll take what I can get. No change anywhere else. Wtf? Inches, or lack thereof, are PROOF! Proof that I'm not the average fool who believes what these food companies are advertising to me. I know the food labels are incorrect, that is why I always guess on the high end. Of course, if I buy organic I don't have these fears.

I have been eating a lot of fruit and vegetables! Sometimes I actually crave them! Since they are negative calories items I know I can eat them and "burn" some extra calories while my body digests these foods! Hellz yeah. I want to do the negative calorie diet. My problem is *money*. *Rolls Eyes* Why does money rule this freakin' world? Money is a ticket out, a way in, and a pain in my ass because the only cash I have is from a school LOAN. And I have to go out of my way to buy the good stuff because my campus does NOT cater to vegans/ organic food lovers.

I digress. I am so lonely. I am craving male company hardcore; last night I was laying in bed with my arms wrapped around myself and just missing someone, a nameless, faceless being. I just want someone. No, scratch that. What I really want is for someone to want me. So much.
It doesn't look like R. is breaking up with his gf any time soon. I can be delusional and say that when we see each other, sparks fly between us, our bodies, and our souls cry out towards each other, longing for a physical connection to manifest in. I can pretend this is the truth, and avoid the truth..which is all too easy. Or I can move the fuck on.

It hurts. He played with my head and heart. I want him still. It sucks.

I want to be thin, too. This, unlike ^that^, is attainable. I think the negative calorie diet could really help speed things along. Just a thought, no action as of yet. I will get there, I will, I will.

And maybe someday I will have somebody that wants me.

Love & Peace.

Like the Wind.

430-something "facebook friends" but no best and none to talk to, ever. Today has been weird. This last week has been just insane. Next week should follow suit. I keep getting ripped off on good weed, which is pissing me off. I have a pimple, my period, and NO refill to Zoloft. Sigh. So I am kind of a hot mess. Speaking of which, I need to pop some Midol to continue to reduce this annual bloat.

Ugh I have no motivation to do anything today. I peaked mid-week, I got shit done. Now I am gross and lazy and I have to go to work in an hour. I don't even know what to do with myself. I sit in front of the computer out of PURE HABIT. It's like I traded smoking cigs for scanning a screen of useless information.

Sometimes I just hate myself.

I went home this week, that was interesting. I paid over $300 to get my car fixed last friday and it still sounds like shit. Where is the good? I need to find some silver linings, ok, I finished a book I started over the summer, called, (appropriately) The Summer I Dared. It was great, kind of slow at first, which is why it took me so long to read it. But upon finishing it last night and reflecting a tad, I really enjoyed it and probably could have learned a lesson from it had I finished it in a normal time.

Well I like stretching things out, making them last. Just not food, unfortunately.

I haven't ate yet, just a banana. It is 6 in the evening, so much time for failure still. But that is what sleeping all day does for you. I like to sleep uninterrupted. Since getting this cat a couple months ago I have learned that sleep is a precious thing. I can't sleep unless he is sleeping. LITERALLY...

I need to take/post measurements soon, I know I had them on here over the summer, so expect that (I care more than you haha).

Still no action, no sex, no kissing. A little flirting. There is one guy that is fuckable to me. He is 5 years older than me. He is superhot. But an Aries, and I am a Virgo. And I don't think he has a home, a paying job, or a cell phone. Maybe he does, I don't know anything about him other than some random emails. Well he has computer access haha a plus. I love the internet! Amazing what it is, compared to when I was much younger. Our first family computer was sloowww, and ancient. And I hated dial up!

Well strolling down memory lane just know got my mood lifted from where it was before. Thanks Blogger. Peace Out, Think Thin.

I'm going to work high. YeS/wish me LuCk. I do still need to prioritze. But I know what gets me through the day. ;)

Ha this is a joke.

Is it weird that I researched foods with a laxative effect? And then went to the store last night to buy said items? Is that strange? Normal? Because I have no idea how people feel about this type of thing. I like bm because I feel lighter...Fuck I am an alien; I am unrecognizable through the mass of stickiness that encompasses my mind. I am a stranger with eyes that see through solids and a bendable heart. I can be invisible or I can shine with diamonds and glow in the dark. "Deep water, deep water, senseless denial" - Modest Mouse. [Stick in the mud rally gatherer stunt stun stuntastic leadership tricka-daisy moose mouse looks like looka loop leap gada gardener and savvy sweet sasquatch. Rickety tickely lick splick itty chicka noxxasaka. dreamboat feel fresh fantastic fabulous fuckable fuck-nasty "lucky lucky lucky me again" - Modest Mouse again. Stringa ling along. Sting a lang a long and looptitude.]

That^ is not English & especially not any kind of tribute to Gertrude Stein. That is me writing words that come to mind quite randomly, while listening to Modest MOuse on Youtube. Wow..

Yes, I am stoned.

Yes, I am fat!

Yes, I need to STARVE!

Alice.

Spinning upside down through dark madness I carelessly let go and free fall to my fate.

My words are not processing into coherent sentences. So I will start this again, my world is small and I am solipsistic by nature. Ugh. I try and say, "Sar, you're the best" as if I could convince this Sar to be fucking normal and not so down in the dumps all the time.
Thank you Amy Winehouse- loving this first album. Her voice is soul and I love singing along. I have not ate since 11 pm last night and right now it is almost 8 pm. Ha I slept ALL day to not eat. I have not broken this unexpected fast yet. I am about to, but maybe if I forget about it I will be in the clear..
The bad news? Last night was a disgusting mess of a binge, and I had been doing well this week. What is it about the weekends that makes me freak out on food?? Well, I guess I already know...it is the opportunity to hole up in my apartment and hibernate and avoid phone calls and food if need be. The night before this is when I go a little crazy with junk food.
Ok, ready? This is unbelievable but I'm going to share:
I ate 5 pepperedge farm milk chocolate macadamia soft baked cookies. 5 fucking cookies are you kidding me?? Nope! It's a sad, sad truth. They are (I just got up to check and felt SO light headed) 160 calories each. [160 x 5 = 800] oh. em. gee.

It doesn't end there, oh no. Since I only ate sweets (those cookies & some apple cider) yesterday I was craving "real" food/ sustenance.. I wanted bread. I'm not going to lie I crave carbs like the freakin' dickens... (ha old school metaphor). Needless to say I ordered a veggie calzone. [Please slap my wrists via the internet..I'm going to do it quickly..there. Punishment for a fat idiot] It was good but I LUCKILY didn't finish it. At least there was a considerable amount of veggies but way to fucking much cheese. Never again is all I have to say about that.

The really, truly sad thing here is that when I looked in the mirror this evening I felt skinny. [It helps that I successfully released toxins through a healthy bm. No more laxies for me...def don't help.] I don't want to be fat. I am so fucking fat right now; it is disgusting how my clothes fit. I don't even know what I weigh because I am convinced my scale is broken.

Enough about me. How are you? How are you guys and gals dealing with everything? Instead of hiding from the world I would like to face it. <3

Peace & think thin.

The life I live.

It's getting to the point
where I'm no fun anymore
I am sorry-
Sometimes it hurts
so badly
I must cry out loud,
I am lonely.

-Crosby Stills & Nash

Sometimes lyrics say it better. I am starting to get used to this idea of living alone. It takes awhile to sink in, I think, because you just keep going. You go through the motions, you just do it. It's weird because it hits you at a random time, and all of a sudden questions arise that didn't before. Why do I live alone? Oh, because there is no one I would want as a roommate. That is my standard answer, but truthfully it is because no one wants to live with me. And why would they? I like my alone time and I show it. Days and weeks will go by in between phone calls with people, or seeing them. I haven't even been working. I got my hours cut hardcore. Bottom line, I've been isolating myself but this is nothing new since I have lived alone since January,
It is October. I just hit me last night. I was laying down, trying to fall asleep, running my hands over my hip bones, and thinking; I live alone, I am alone; why do I live alone? I saw myself from above, laying there under the covers, calling for my cat, (who never came- I slept alone) looking helpless and perplexed- I feel sick today.

I am subsisting on 2 black coffees and 1 luna bar. I freakin' love them. I am sick of this extra bulge. Maybe it is not bulge but it is certainly flab. I NEED to tone up. I need to get my lazy ass outside or to the gym FAST.

In other news, I got a D on my Critical Reading midterm. I got a 4 out of 5 on my critique. I need to write a paper from last semester's incomplete before this semester ends. Along with all the other shit I gotta do. Don't be an English major...it is a pain! All of this forced writing and reading what I'm told (but never quite finishing) makes my creative juices dry up like __[insert dirty joke]__.

I need sleep. Peace peepz.

Lot of love from me to YOU.

Think thin already!!!!

In the words of an infamous pro-a blogger, STARVE ON!!

No time, really.

I haven't been blogging, but I've been here, chillen out & smoking, sleeping, and searching for a reason to keep going; I have been reading your blogs though.
I have not been doing so well, binging a little, sleeping a lot, partying all weekend, NOT going to class... I feel bad but I am going today. Which is why I can't actually type this now. All I can say is stay strong to my fellow bloggers! Peace : - )