Smoke and Mirrors

I woke up with a sore throat. I knew this cold weather would catch up to me. Last night was great.
I sent him a text saying we should meet somewhere neutral. He responded with a wonderful suggestion, drinks & a game at the bar. Not just any bar, this sweet bar that I rarely go to! We met up (he was 10 minutes late) (he's like me: a slave to time) and he bought his own drink and I bought my own. He has mentioned before that he used games to make me jealous or hurt me or something. Now that I'm recalling the events of the beginning of the evening, I'm realizing that his actions were most likely deliberate. It all makes so much sense.

Let me explain, we've been emailing a lot about some really personal things, and I let him know about J. and how I liked J. because he was kind of a dick. He said, accurately, that maybe the reason I liked him is because I don't like myself and wish to treat myself poorly. Spot on! Is this dude a psychologist?

No, he's not.
Anyway, we had a nice time playing "scattergories" at the first bar. I drank two beers. (He had three). He said, let's go to another bar. I said, sure! He put the game in his car and we walked a few blocks to the bar. (Burned some of those beer calories through the walk!) We had a beer. Then he asked what I'd like to do. I said, Idk, go home. He asked if I'd like to walk to another bar. I think he wanted to spend some time with me. So off to the third bar we walked. We "split" a beer. Oh God. I just remembered!

The bartender asked, do you want two straws with that beer? Hahaha. Implying that we were lovers! You know it's just an offhand comment but remembering that just now made me blush and smile.

So I barely drank any of it, three beers and I'm good. We walked back to our cars (in the cold, no wonder I feel sick today) and paused, awkwardly. That moment where you say goodbye is always so incredible. The tension is thick and both are thinking about kissing. Will it happen?
It didn't for us, we hugged. For awhile. It was nice to be hugged. He is strong. He squeezed me! I tried to squeeze back! Lol at us.

So, we parted ways, with sheepish grins and hopes for the future. I, being a fat ass, drove to McDonald's for french fries. I knew I wouldn't binge, I'm a vegetarian so they don't exactly cater to me. But I wanted salty. So I ordered fries and a water and drove home, eating the fries on the way. Eating? I mean stuffing them into my mouth as fast as possible while I drove through the dark wilderness. I live in the middle of nowhere so the commute is always through forest and fields.

Of course I texted C. when I got home, making sure he was safe. We texted a little, he said, "I'm really quite impressed with how much fun we have around each other. I love looking into your eyes." *swoon*

I just responded with, "I like the way you hug me."
He said, "I hope you have sweet dreams, Sarah. Good night."
I said nothing and went to sleep.

It was not a good sleep. You know when you fall asleep with all your jewelery on and it annoys you while you're actually asleep. It's really a lucid experience.

It's eleven in the morning and I'm smoking a pipe. Is that bad? Tell me honestly, is that really so bad? My throat hurts, hmm, I'll make some green tea.

Less than two hours to get to class and I'm stoned and haven't even showered. I hate to part ways with you, too, dear reader. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

I go back and forth with my feelings about C. That's okay. No decisions about him need to be made right now. I just need to let it be. Enjoy it. Don't rush it because that's how shit gets fucked up.

I've felt pretty emotional lately. I wonder if it shows in my writing.

Monday Thinspo (Be Strong Today):

 Don't smoke though. Just be thin.

I <3 Natalie Portman.

and you.

Peace.

Xo Sar