Complexity

Today started well. Then I found out my Grandma is dying in the nursing home, ("we're just waiting for the call"). Then I went to the store and bought two Cadbury creme eggs. Oh, and ate them.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm trying to compare: big picture, small picture. Today, next week. Month. Year. No. I don't go that far. I'm taking it moment by moment; just get through the day.

I'm losing weight slowly and I like it. Today I binged. Tomorrow I will not. I have the power. I get to decide. Decide for yourself. Don't ever sit back and wait for it to happen naturally. It doesn't work like that.

Baby, I'm lost. 

Things have been...weird. Too many boys contacting me, too much drama with friends and family (my grandma, my good friend's dwi, everyone being sick, boys). I was sick and am still coughing a bit but feeling pretty good for the most part. Except I'm still without job. Barely two months out of college and I'm panicking.

I'll make you so proud of me.

If I can control my body, I can control my life. If I can be happy with how I look then I can exude real confidence, not the confidence that comes from falsity and faking it. I will be proud of my accomplishment. I love accomplishing things. That's my deal. Now that school is over I feel that my purpose is lacking. Getting thinner is a legitimate goal, and it's more fun to think about then looking for a job.

It's all bullshit.

I am on top of it all. I can do this. YOU can do this. Don't be obese like 34% of Americans over the age of 20.

Think it. BE IT.

xo ~ Sar