Only to wake to my Mom yelling, "Sarah! Aren't you going?". In a sleepy daze I said "yup", got up, called, and canceled. It's called Self-Destruction, Mom. Don't care what you think so shut the phuck up.
I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate my body. I hate my family. I hate this weather. I hate this state. I hate myself and all of my choices and my experiences and I hate my addictions and my flaws and my weaknesses and my dependencies. I hate me. I hate Sar.
Also, my Dad does something that DRIVES. ME. CRAZY!!!!! We are lucky enough to have a recycling truck come through once a week, and I try to collect recyclables. I try to convince my Mom and brother to do it too. And so we do. And it sits in the blue box until Monday morning when my lazy, ignorant father takes the fucking box and dumps it in the garbage. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT!?
God, I'm in a terrible fucking mood. I want to cut myself. I want to punch myself in the head. I want to jump out of a high window. I want to jump out of a speeding car. I want to feel pain. I can't even pluck my eyebrows (my go-to method for eliminating internal anguish) because I am growing my brows out a little.
DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So yup. I'm still jobless and this bad economy has sucked the life out of my town and the surrounding areas. I've been blowing through my savings like whoa. I got black-out drunk all weekend. I puked both days. I binged last week. Today I've ate some homemade sour cream dip with unsalted pretzels and I've been chugging coffee.
I still hate myself, but it feels a little better to vent this fucking rage on to these keys for your reading pleasure. Anyone have an job ideas?? Where are the jobs at?? Help, please!?
THINK THIN TODAY!!!!!!!
xO
-Sar-
((the coldest witch you "know"))
be thin
5 comments:
It doesn't matter if there or any jobs or if you apply for them if you don't make the interview!! I know...way harsh but this was confusing to me that you want a job but didn't go to the 3rd interview that you made it all the way to. I do hope you get another chance and I hope you can break out of your funk soon. You will probably feel much better once you get your job situation straight then you can move out and be away from your dad. I say all of this in the nicest way possible and I hope you don't think I'm rude. Go out and get what you want!!!
Thanks for commenting, Fed Up.
You're right, it *doesn't* make sense. Depression is trying to take over and it makes me do funny things.
Either way, thanks for reading :)
good luck with the job situation & breaking out of the funk. Even though you skipped the 3rd interview :( you made it that far so obviously you have the skills employers are looking for.
job ideas, um i hate my job so I'm a bad person to ask.
~ H
Sar, I have been reading your blog for a long time now and I love your writings. At various points of my life, I have related to your emotions. Lots of love. Please keep strong. You are such a cool, quirky and effervescent gal!
Hey Sar, have you thought of temping through agencies instead of looking for a permanent job. I am sure you are feeling scared shitless as it is scary as fuck to hold down a permanent job with all the responsibility that comes along with it. Not saying that you ain't. In fact you are very much a responsible girl with the way that you have managed your life so far. Anyhow, its just a suggestion, try an agency and that would lessen your anxieties, stop you digging through your saving and prepare you for the next chapter of your life. Once you get the feel of being an 'employer' and start liking it, you can spread your wings and hit new horizon i.e. consider a permanent job somewhere. I understand that you said your town has been hit hard by the recession, however, you can also consider moving away and starting afresh with a place of your own and being totally independent. You don't have to be scared. I know you did that before when you were at college and also if I remember correctly you have worked before hence stop fretting, get a hold on yourself, take a step back, reflect a little, move forward feeling positive otherwise the depression would take over and that would totally damage you and I would hate to imagine that happening to you. Chin up girl!
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