First Date

I have a date tonight! I met K. last Friday, and we're finally getting together! I am a little excited...not going to lie. Also! I went to a job fair yesterday and was interviewed by a woman who manages the local Michael Kors!! PLEASE keep your fingers crossed, I need this job!!!!

Last night I binged (slightly) on cheetos (gag) and chocolate (double gag). Luckily my overall intake was normal.

Think thin!!!

Xo Sar

Prisoner

March is almost over. April 5th will be one year since the fire. What has changed in my life? How is my body looking today compared to one year ago?

The answers lie within. Hidden and blocked. My body is a testament to my strength and discipline. It will be a lifelong endeavor, keeping this up.

It's my mission and I won't fail.

And yet. I feel strongly that my capabilities are limited. I rarely believe I can do it. Oddly enough, I fear failure so I fear success. Because what comes after riches and many monetary accompaniments? Emptiness. Withdrawal. Non-committal perspective.

I long to be fulfilled but sometimes I confuse myself with the desire to eat, as if food will do anything other than make me sick. 

I wish I had more confidence. I can fake it, but it's not real and true.

It's a falsity! It's a lie! It's a mirror mask, and you are me! We all die inside, knowing that we're all the same. Striving for identity has become this all-consuming task. 

I'm done. 

I refuse to feel sorry for poor little me. I am privileged. I feel like a prisoner.

A job does not equal a person. I am not my (proverbial) job. I am not my lack thereof. I am SAR, dammit, and I need to not care what you think.

I feel this crazy pressure from my parents to work. I tell people I'm unemployed with a heavy shame to my voice. I think of myself as less. I question my tactics...I bought "What color is your parachute?" and read one chapter. I fail at failing.

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*

*

Deep breath. 

*

*

*

I met a man. He is K.

K. is nice, tall, works, and has a car. This is what I know after two (kind of long) phone conversations. He actually called, like an old-fashioned gentleman (gasp!), and we chatted. It was nice.

We will get coffee this week. I don't know how I feel about breaking my no-dating-until-a-job rule. Actually, I break rules every day so why would I even concern myself with such nonsense?

Hope everyone is staying strong. I was given the Versatile Blogger Award. For now, I'll refer you back to 10 Things About Me. You know I prefer a little anonymity.

Think thin. Always.

I want this body.

I can have it.

So can you.

So we will.

Xo Sar

I screwed up + Bikini thinspo

I just ate soo many chips. I feel sick. What is wrong with me? Oh yeah...disordered eater REPRESENT! It's not funny, it's serious, Sar. God, you're sick. When I say "so many" I mean about 1000 calories worth. I want to puke but I won't. Puking is weak. I'M the one that binged, therefore I SUFFER!!!!!!!!

I was feeling so pretty and thin last weekend, I even had sex, finally. I broke my year-long dry spell. I fucked my best friend's brother. I used to have the biggest crush on him when we were all younger and so much more innocent. He is THIN but SO BUILT. He's in the army. He's super hot and was able to pleasure me. We were going strong for about an hour. I woke up in his bed, naked. My hands cupped my hip bones. I got up when he went to the bathroom and stared at my reflection in his mirror. I liked what I saw.

That was then, this is now. And I'm FAT!!!!!

I just don't understand/I just don't get it/why does food have power over me/why am I so dumb?


I still am not working (surprised?). I read last night that the average time spent unemployed in America is now 21 weeks...aka over 5 months...


I'm not going to go crazy

I'm not going to lose it

I'm not going to go crazy

I'm not going to lose it

I'm not

I'm not

I'm not crazy...

Yes I am.

Crazy for thin bodies.

I need to get my GAME FACE on. I need to hop on the treadmill and work the fuck out to BURN THESE STUPID FUCKING CALORIES! Problem is, I'm too shy to work out when people are in the house, so I'm waiting for my younger brother to go to work. I feel like everyone is on to me. I'm so fucking paranoid.

Think thin*



Please let me not be fat like her:

Yes, she's pretty and everything. Cute shoes.

I'm just saying that I don't look like that (yet).

I'd PREFER this: 

Xo ~ Sar

P.S. Stay strong today and everyday, think thin ALWAYS, and please remember: nothing tastes as good as *thin* feels :)

If it wasn't for the birds

Sometimes all I can do is lift my shirt, turn sideways, suck in, and stare at my bones in the mirror. It satisfies my narcissism. It's not that I think I'm beautiful...it's the opposite really. Oh, who am I kidding? I DO think I look good. So sue me.

I really can rock the look though: the black v-neck short-sleeved shirt with sexy, fitted jeans, a cool necklace and a fierce facial expression. It's no coincidence that I used to want to model. (I know). I keep telling myself that looks fade, because they do. Like that's going to help me, I'm in too deep and I don't know how to swim.

Just kidding, I actually can swim. It's a great work out! So is the treadmill on a steep incline at a fast pace with arms pumping and sweat dripping off my flushed face.

I did it two days in a row, and had to stop because I injured my neck head-banging too hard at a concert the other night. Ha. I love music. I love dancing (another great workout). I love BEING EXTREME!!

Enough small talk, there's a reason I've been avoiding you. A few reasons, actually. Here they are, and no, I'm not going into detail at this time.

(1) I hooked up with my best friend's brother, again. He has been ignoring me ever since.

(2) That job that I was soo excited about? The one I bought the expensive business suit for? Well, it turned out to be a scam. I am another one of the millions of Americans getting fooled by the internet. Damn you careerbuilder.com and your SHITTY, FALSE job postings!!!

(3) I painted my nails black and they look great!! (a little happiness amongst the negativity).

(4) I made out with my ex-boyfriend, John, the other day and he's been on my mind ever since. He stays there like he lives there. We've been on and off and back and forth for YEARS. He's no good for me, and I highly doubt we'll end up together, but I love him still.

(5) OK, why am I making this list again? I'm distracted. I'm incoherent at this point. Here's why~I just swallowed a pill. Yes, a pill. A. P.i.l.l. A hydrocodone, lol.

Why, you ask? Because of my neck. I already told you I fucked it up, why the fuck else would I pop a pill that someone illegally obtained a prescription for to sell me? Well, to get fucked up. Besides that. My neck.

Ahem.

I just wanted to update. I'm unemployed (still) but my outlook is sunnier. I am making moves. I am not giving up.

OH YEAH. (This should be on the above list).

Earlier today, after I got home from a little...transaction, my brother calls me to the basement door because of a weird, smoky, gaseous smell coming from down there. My parents were at work so it was just us.

You all know what happened next...I freaked out (somewhat silently), dialed 911 (they instructed us to leave the house), ran upstairs (because I swear to you that I thought our home was on fire), grabbed my cat and shoved him in his carrier, ran downstairs into my room and grabbed my purse, ran outside with my brother and waited for the help. My heart was racing and I was visibly shaking.

We live by a fire hall and the alarm went off, then the fire chief showed up (lights flashing), and then a huge fire truck came. There were men going in and out the house with walkie talkies and propane level checkers or something...suddenly someone with a orange cone and an orange vest was out front directing traffic around the trucks...it was all a bit dramatic.

Turns out, a bird flew down our chimney, into the basement, into the furnace, got stuck and then cooked.

Yes, you read that right. We fried an innocent little bird in this house. By accident, of course. It was shocking and jarring but I felt prepared. Probably because I've been dreaming about calling 911 and dreaming about fleeing houses and dreaming about what to do in the event of another life-threatening emergency. Today was not life-threatening. I feared the worst but it was ok. I was ok.

That's big. I've been suffering through PTSD after my apartment fire (see entries from April 2010) and I've been crying a lot. The events of the day showed me that I CAN stay "calm" in an emergency, I CAN do it, I CAN be strong.

I have the will to live.

*Sighs*

And I'm damn glad.

***************

I hope you've all been thinking thin. I have! It's been great! I did binge a little bit the other night on some sweets, but we all fuck up, don't we?

*THINK FREAKING THIN OK???????

& BE STRONG!*

Peace on Earth.

Xo

Sar

Never is a promise

A lot can change in a few days. I'm sitting here, full, because I ate a half of vegetable sub with mozzarella but no dressing. It was good. Just very filling. I also ate an apple. It's almost five in the evening.

Here's some good news: on Thursday I went to an interview at a more respectable, professional company. They liked me, and I go back on Monday for a day of "shadowing" a junior consultant. The dress is "business professional". For those unfamiliar, it means I wear a suit. A fucking suit. Can you imagine? Me? A suit?

So today I went shopping and bought a dress suit, heels, hose, and 2 nice dress shirts for underneath. My Lord is this real?? I am nervous and excited. Wish me luck. This could be my big break into the career world. This could be me turning into a money-making, company car driving, grown up. Watch out, Oprah.

Yesterday, my ex-bf "B" called. He's getting married. I cried when he told me. You remember him, last year around this time we started talking again, and made out one drunken night. But now things are different, and he has a fiancée, so you know what? That's great. Good for him. I don't know if it'll work out for them but who the fuck am I to judge? I am certainly not a relationship expert. Lord knows my relationships have all failed, possibly due to my neurotic eccentricities, but maybe not. Maybe it's all just fate. That's comforting.

Tonight is a big night. 11 friends and I will be jam-packed into a limo for a night out on the town! Were getting drunk, yup! I just need to NOT overdue it, I need to be in tiptop shape for Monday.

I hope you all are well, and staying strong. Don't give up on thin, it's honestly within your grasp.

The suit I bought is a size 6. I don't know if that's good or bad but I feel ok with it. I feel like I've been working harder on getting thinner and now I need to sit back and revel a little bit in my effort. That DOES NOT mean get lazy. Oh hell no. I need to obviously KEEP IT UP, but it's not a mad dash at this point. It's a freaking lifestyle that I have embraced, and it's just going to always be this way. It has to be, because I'd never be happy any fatter than this. Never.

Thin wins :]

Xo


[Sar]