Back to black

It's incredibly easy to push people away. Just be yourself, don't hold back. Say whatever you want whenever you want and watch them walk away and shut the door with a heavy echo across the way. I'm too blunt for my own good, which is funny because I rarely smoke blunts, I prefer bowls. Less coughing, less ash.

Tonight I'm going to an outdoor party; there will be friends, food, and fun to be had. I'm baking something and bringing it. I'm going to arrive at that perfect after-dinner time so the pressure to eat will be less. There will be a keg, and I plan to get drunk. I'm excited, in that hollow, heartless way of the Depressed.

I'm not sure why I hate men so much. Because that's what's going on here. I hate them. I hate who I am in front of an attractive male. I act like my shadow, an amalgam of me. I can't be attracted to a single, emotionally-available man ever, it's always the ones who don't want me, the ones who can't have me due to marriage or relationship restrictions or a low mental capacity.

When did dating begin to press upon me so much? I used to be confident. I used to be nice.

Now I'm bitter and bold and insecure and dependent on attention.

***

I do not trust the scale. One of the worst things about being tall is that the number on the scale does not accurately rate other's perception of my thinness. My own perception is totally skewed and the fucking number is driving me batty. It's wrong, it has to be. How is it possible that I feel thin when that number is so large? Something is not right here. I'm mad, stark-raving radiant.

I binged last night on some chocolate. I feel it all in my stomach, sitting there still. I've been constipated for about 3 weeks. I gave in and took laxies a week and a half ago or something, and they helped, briefly. It is HORRIBLE to know that I have to go and to want to go but to not be able. It's a devil in me, I'm possessed.

While listening to Amy Winehouse (RIP) and hiding in my room, I feel tired and restless. I want to go shopping. I'm trying to convince myself to get up and shower and get in the car and go shopping, like a normal person. I have some money, I should buy myself shoes and knee socks, sweaters, black pants and tights. I would like to have these things for Fall.

I'm still rebuilding my wardrobe, 1.3 years later (Fire). I'm still breaking down about it, as recently as Wednesday. I'm moving on, slowly, but there's no time limit for grief.

OK. I need to get out of here and on with things. It's going to be a good day, despite my somber mood and morning.

Today: 2 cups of water with ice, some cut up watermelon, some organic pretzels.

*Avoiding food for now*

Think thin--

--Sar

Let's pretend that you're listening

***

Hello Monday! I've had the house to myself because my parents went away for their anniversary. You know what I did, right? Binged my little face off. Because no one was around to watch. Because I'm sick in the head. Because my eye has been twitching since Thursday and has not stopped! God damn stress and emotional eating and period eating has resulted in me seeing an incredibly high number on the scale. It needs to go back down, where it belongs, and that's all up to me.

Last night was just ridiculous, plain and simple. I won't even share the horrid details. It's in the past but the memory of my overindulgence lingers. I actually had the nerve to wake up hungry today. My stomach was grumbling and my body craved more, more, more! Thankfully I've been on the move and only had a pear. I'm not going to fast but I am going to restrict hardcore.

I'm currently smoking a bowl and waiting for my second load of laundry to dry so I can put it away and check another item off my list. It feels good to accomplish. If only I could accomplish thin. 

I can, though. I just have this weird mental block stopping me sometimes. When no one is around I fall back into old habits. A modified version though, because I really don't want to purge. Ever again. Which means that all the food I eat stays in. I pay the price for my gluttony by gaining.

I'm getting sick of my therapist. I've been going regularly since May and she's starting to annoy me with questions like, "When are you going to stop smoking?" and "When are you going to stop punishing yourself?" and "Why are you focusing on your flirtations with a married man when you're supposed to be concentrating on job training?"...I have no answers. I don't want to stop smoking (at this point). I have no clue when I'll stop punishing myself, but at least recognize that I am doing so. (Progress?). I focus on the married man because I am attracted to him and my eyes appreciate having someone to gaze at and my mind likes to imagine the torrid affair and myriad opportunities to fuck at work (it's a bucket list thing for me). I can't stop mirror-checking, I can't stop torturing myself; I can stop paying money to feel sometimes worse coming out of that office than I do when I walk in.

I'm doing ok though, I think. I'm going to work, I'm making money, I'm taking care of my cat and sometimes myself. I am making friends at work, I am hanging with my old friends every once in awhile. I have a trip coming up: I'm going to see my sis and nephew down South. Think I told you about it. I'm excited for that, I'm happy to know that I paid for my own plane ticket. I bought a new book last night and started reading it. It's good!

I'm still smoking weed everyday, I'm still smoking cigarettes at work, I'm still battling the depression...but I'm afloat. I'm doing this, I'm living.

Her thighs aren't perfect, but she's confident enough to stand in a bikini for the cameras. 

Let confidence carry you through your days. Fake it until you make it.

Believe that you can be strong! 

Believe that you can resist temptation!

Believe that you can be as thin as a model!

After you believe it, take action.

Eat less, avoid junk food, move around more...the results are in, you're fucking hot and stick thin.

Everyone desires you.

***

Pretty girls eating, but their smiles look forced.

***

Think thin today! 

XO

Sar

Summer days

(food for thought--

--sorry, bad pun)

***

Happy tuesday. I'm chillen and smoking, drinking black coffee, listening to Regina Spektor. Looking longingly outside. It is a beautiful day. I have to get ready for work in a bit so I thought this was a great time to post. It's "the week before" aka Stuff My Face week. LOL. I'm aware that my shifting hormones and fluctuating weight are a direct result of mother nature fucking with me, like she does once a month, but that doesn't mean I'm ok or any more accepting of the fact that I'm gaining.

I feel like a cow. The mirror tells me I'm not too bad. The key is to lay off the salty stuff, right? Well let's see, I've been up for an hour and I've already had 1 waffle (90), organic maple syrup (100), 1 english muffin (130), peanut butter (160)... 

I can eat like such a fat ass! Last night I also binged! Ugh...I'll just keep it as low as possible for the rest of the day and week and month and year and my life, really. Thank God for work. It's proving to be a distraction. I hate living at home, but working and making money are steps one and two of Moving The Fuck Out. I'm thinking January 2012. After the holiday madness is over. Yup, that sounds good. I really can't wait. 

It's not that living here at home is bad, per se. It's just unbearably annoying and detrimental to my teetering anxiety levels. It's me having to keep myself contained in this little daughter shell my parents prefer me to be in. 

I want to cook naked, dammit. I want to poop with the door open. I want to decorate every little nook and cranny of my future place with unique-to-me creations and cute things. I want to cast aside my possessions with ease, with no fear of being messy in "someone else's space", with no moral barriers. I want to smoke weed on my couch with my legs sprawled out on the wall and a cup of water balancing precariously on the armrest without worry of "offending" someone. I want to eat dinner at 10 at night, a trashy guilty dinner with 2 large cups of wine, I want to walk around tipsy but free. I want to crave connection on my own terms, it'd be nice to want to reach out and call someone, or invite someone over, or meet up somewhere. But really, most of all, I just want my own space in my own place and my own fucking time.

I'm not sure that I've ever wanted something this bad. It's good to have goals.

My back hurts. I'm high. I slept like shit last night: I fell asleep around 4:30 AM, then was woken by the phone at 10, and then again at 11:30 (damn collectors). I'm feeling zombielike, I like uninterrupted sleep. Maybe I should try to get to bed earlier. It's tough though, I get out of work and I have this second wind, I feel excited to just chill out and relax for a bit.

Ah, well. There's worse things. Like how I'm flirting with my married (and with a child) coworker. We work right next to each other, he's training me on my new position. We talk and laugh and work hard and slack off. Yesterday we were playing a game on my phone for a good hour, some other coworkers crowded around to watch but were dispersed by our supervisor. It was actually a fun end to a monday but I need to watch it with the flirting. It's bad. I'm bad.

Thanks for the kind comments on that last post, I was feeling a little sorry for myself (who me? never!) and it was nice to hear from my gorgeous readers. You really are fucking sexy and I want to do you. Was that too much? Sorry, I've had sex on the brain.

Wanna know why?

I fucked my exboyfriend on sunday.

I know, dumb. 

J. & I dated years ago, when I was 18. We had a volatile but passionate relationship that has faded in intensity over the last 7 years but it's all still there. We just have always kept in contact. Through serious relationships and engagements, through miles and hours, through fire and death, through life and living. We hooked up (met up for sex) tons of times after we broke up originally, but we hadn't had sex in maybe 2-3 years. Until sunday.

*warning; sexual descriptions below

I called him and said, "this is a booty call" and he said, "come over". So I did. We didn't even talk. At all. I've really never experienced anything like this. 

He just let me in, we went in his bedroom and he shut the door and kept the lights off. He walked over to me and we started making out. He didn't waste any time, he immediately walked us over to the bed and lifted me on to it. We tore each other's shirts off, kissing lips and necks and breasts. It gets a little blurry, but I was wearing a skirt and he slid my panties down my legs, spread them, and started to go down on me.

I was quivering but keeping it quiet, as I approached the O I pulled him on to the bed and took off his jeans and boxers. I went down on him very successfully, and then climbed on top and rode him for approximately one minute. No lie. It was quick and sexy, but he's my ex. I used him. 

And I don't think it will happen again. I unfortunately left (lost) an earring there. So I will have to see him again to get it. But that doesn't mean anything will happen. I'll let you know.

Think thin today. I am feeling very thinspired after writing all of this. Think about getting naked in front of someone and you will put down that food. Stay strong.

Xo

sAr

TMI

Oops I did it again, I fell for a jerk and he played with my heart, I'm stronger now and colder than ever, but I'm ok, I'm me, I'm Sar...and no one will ever change that. I own this life, MY life. My shield is intact and surrounding me on all sides, you can't touch me, you won't, I won't let you, I won't let me lose control of the things I can actually control; I, the puppet master, will pull tightly on the strings, ensuring an icy gripe on my reality. I won't turn into a crazy person. I will stay sane because I am not done here. There is stuff I want, things that need to be done and said still, a family to put together, a contribution to the planet, a better body to attain, etc.

As usual, I'm sitting here before work, drinking my coffee, perusing the 'net. The past two days at work have honestly been tough. I have been an emotional wreck; my eyes filling with tears randomly, my mood swings, my recent habit of running to the bathroom to cry. I thought it was because of Matt, and it partly is, but it's more than that.

I have been battling depression (diagnosed with "major depressive disorder") for years. I have been dealing with my ednos issues for years. I have gone through some serious personal tragedys and emerged alive, but so brittle and bitter. I just want to know, when is a break? When can I be normal again? When can I not feel so lost and pain-ridden and alone and nuts?

The answer lies within me. It's up to me to make the choice to get "better" and be more productive. Or whatever it's going to take to be happy with myself.

And that's what it comes down to, that's why I've been so upset, taking this rejection super hard...I am just not happy with myself. Every other day I am angrily hearing in my head, I hate myself. 

WHY, DAMMIT?

Why do I HATE myself? How can I LOVE myself?

I don't even know where to start. So much has gone "wrong" in my life. I had been exposed to deaths in my family at a very young age and it hardened me. My first serious boyfriend, who I lost my virginity to, cheated on me. My next 4 boyfriends were extremely crazy and destructive towards themselves and me. I got in a bad car accident, totaling my first car, the car that I saved money for all by myself, after starting work at the age of 15. I became afraid. My fears started to dictate my decisions. 

I failed some classes at the community college I started at, eventually taking an extra year there, which pelted hail at my self esteem (you're so stupid).  I gave in and started smoking cigarettes again after nearly 2 years without, after proudly quitting cold turkey. I moved away from everything I've ever known and started at the state university, all alone, "free" for the first time in a long time. I partied too much. I ate like shit. I began puking up my food because I felt fat and I lived alone so there was no one to hide it from. I dealt with so much drama and ridiculousness in college, and then the cherry on the cake of reality came when I was relaxing in my apartment one night; some dumb bitch "accidentely" lit her bed on fire, and my entire life disappeared in a pile of ashes. 

I became even more afraid and started focusing on losing weight. I lost weight, then regained, then lost a bit, and now I'm here, getting rejected by man after man, driving a beat ass car, working at a job that I'm overqualified for, in a city I don't want to be in, surrounded by people that don't really know me, and trying like hell not to lose my way.

Jesus. If you read all that, then yay! You're cool.

I guess I just had to purge some words.

Gotta get ready for work. Think thin.

Peace.

XO

~Sar

Let me let go

It's late sunday night and I'm sitting here, collecting pictures of "sad thin models" and smoking, thinking of a boy I barely know. So here, check it out, and I'll continue to put off telling you what's up...

888

****

888

So I told you a little about Matt last time I blogged; we hung out a total of 3 times. Each time better than the last. I hoped for something to come out of it. We texted I texted him and he responded each day this week and then BAM it's friday night I'm super excited to see him. I figured we were hanging this weekend even though no official plans were made. I had no right assuming that but I did. Well you know what they say about assumptions, "they make an ass of you and me". 

I truly thought I would hear from him on saturday, but I didn't, so I ended up texting him saturday night, keeping it cool & simple. I just mentioned that I was going out and "feel free to join up :)".

He never bothered to get back to me. It was really just the final straw after a week of passive communication on his part. I even started to cry a little in the shower because I really didn't want this to end so quick but no contact from him means no interest. I should have saw this coming. And maybe I kinda did. But I had such hope.

Oh, and it gets better worse. I went on facebook (big mistake) and today he was "checked-in" at some outdoor tractor pull event (I know) with two girls and another dude. Aww, double date much? Of course I click on both girls names to check them out. One has all the private settings (damn) but the other allows her pictures to be viewed by the world. And what luck! An album called "Summer 2011" updated today! Wow, I'm a sleuth.

There is a picture of Matt and this blonde (I'm a brunette), who he was tagged in the "check in" with, smiling, her arm on him, his head tilted towards her, his smile earnest. It was taken tuesday at a concert, which I knew that he went to, but didn't realize it was with a girl...and they hung out today! What the hell, man. Two dates in one week? 

Yup, so I'm officially out.

To say I'm crushed would be accurate. I'm a fucking idiot.

Why the fuck do I torture myself?

Why did he choose her over me?

There's no answers right now and I'm pissed. And hurt. I knew we were not exclusive and technically only went on 2 dates but he could have at least said, "no sar I don't wish to hang out with you". Right? Or even "no I'm busy" would have sufficed. But to leave me cold, high and dry is fucking bullshit.

I'm mostly angry because I actually liked him. I could see us hanging out and having lots of fun. But he chose someone else.

I, the rejected, feel as if karma is getting me good for all the infidelity I've taken part of. Seems pretty likely, right? I've screwed with many emotions and now it's payback time. I hope I'm not destined to be alone, I crave love and desire it so much, but perhaps it's time to admit that I'm not ready for a relationship.

I can face facts, I know that I messed this up. I got clingy and a little dependent. He took control and I became putty in his capable hands. He had told me that he liked how I was "forward" and so I kept acting somewhat forward in my own weird way which obviously repelled him...so he just stopped talking to me for another girl? He's a player, and I'm just glad I didn't fuck him.

But you know what? I'll get over it.

***

Hope you're all thinking thin. 

I slipped up a little this weekend due to stress but no more. I'll take this rejection as fuel to my fire, I'll hold the pain inside and try to dull it slowly with my favorite coping mechanisms: weed, cigarettes, alcohol, and coffee. I'm still in therapy but what has changed with me? I'm a mess.

XO

Sar

Another kind of green

Fucking loan sharks. I would have never went to college if I knew the misery that would follow regarding money. Stupid, filthy money. This "debt ceiling crisis" in the USA is making me fucking sick. Go to hell, politicians. You don't give a shit about the people. You're living a nice comfy existence, sitting on billowy pillows stuffed full of crisp green paper. FUCK YOU and your mom.

/rant over.

It's tuesday, my least favorite day of the week. The weekend feels so far away :( I am in a weird mood (ya think?). I sat with my dad on the porch for about 10 minutes and talked about some serious stuff. My cousin is in jail, he called me on sunday asking for the title to my car. To bail him out. Um, no, distant cousin. I feel for you but get your act together. I struggle and have struggled enough. My life has not been easy. But you don't see me landing in jail for accosting an elderly woman. Fucking crackhead.

I hung out with Matt on saturday. He's the guy I've been "interested in". We had a good time and the physical attraction is intense. But does he want more? I'm not sure and I'm sick of wondering.

I know facebook is stupid and not reality but I find myself analyzing his shit on there. He went to a music festival two weeks ago so of course the pictures are slowly appearing. Yesterday there was a picture of his handprint on some chick's ass that he apparently slapped pretty hard. Of course I stalked her after seeing that and decided I was prettier and thinner, but that doesn't mean anything.

I'm jealous. I hate myself for being jealous, it's the worse emotion ever. I cannot even confront him about it because for all I know they are actually friends and were just drunk and haven't I smacked a million asses? Didn't I make out with a random on K.'s bachelorette? I have leverage here, I'm just struck with uncertainty.

He is not a big texter and so I refuse to text him because I'm terrified that he won't reply. Obviously I like him. We've seen each other only 3 times in my entire life but there is definitely *something* there, I just need to go slow and tell myself that the past is the past and maybe he's not a player. We are supposedly hanging out this weekend so we'll see. I think I can trust him but I'm just so unsure. Obviously being emotionally scarred will do that to someone.

All I can say is thank God we didn't have sex the other night. We came somewhat close, just heavy and hot making out with some dry humping, partial nudity, and feeling up. His eyes are green and gorgeous, they actually look a little like mine. He is tall and thin, very sharp ribs and hip bones, which skinny guys tend to have, but I didn't feel fat next to him. His hands and sensual gaze made me feel gorgeous and wanted. When we were together I felt good. Today, I feel lost. Today, I miss him and want to talk to him but I know that I cannot. He is a busy guy, he works full time just like I do. We're unfortunately on opposite shifts. I just need to not mess this up.

Or maybe he'll mess it up first. If it doesn't work it doesn't work I guess but that doesn't mean I don't want it to.

So. Back to the important stuff. Today I weighed 139.5 when I woke. That makes me happy because when I had my period my weight had fluctuated to 144. I felt gross. But I can deal with the 130s. Just gotta stay smart and stay here.

R e s t r i c t i o n

I restrict food, feelings, and people.

T h i n k  T h i n

I keep my eyes on my bones and look at my fat when I need to hate myself. The hate provokes a rough response. I just want to be thinner.

***

I know this post is all over the place, I'm just in such a funk today and there has been a lot of change and crazy stuff going on. Life has been weird. I know that it will continue to be weird but I just need to keep trying right? I can't give up, I have goals. Goals that matter to me. Like being thin, getting a newer car, moving out, paying on my loans. These goals are achievable. I can do it all.

But isn't the joy in the journey? Where the fuck is my joy? Oh yeah, he's working and I wonder if he's even thinking of me? I wish I hope I wish I hope.

Alright. Peace, lovely people.

*Any thoughts on new relationships? If he seems real and nice when were together, but his facebook *suggests* something different, should I be worried? Am I crazy?*


Xo
Sar