A crutch to ease my pain

Heyy strangers. I haven't posted in weeks. Probably because I'm somewhat dead inside.

I've been back and forth on major life decisions, procrastinating like crazy, and eating my feelings. And I feel pretty blue, bloggers.

Remember last time when I was telling you about "R."? Haha I knew I shouldn't have bothered even mentioning him. He blew me off totally and completely. I'm so over men.

The days are rushing by and it's already Fall. The leaves are shriveling up and plunging to their deaths all over our lawn. How dare they litter the once green expanse of fresh cut grass? The sky is darkening at a rapid rate. The nights have that ping of coldness and I've been wearing sweaters.

I am behind on things and beating myself up. I have attempted to quit smoking cigarettes and the stress of this is turning me into such a bitch. I'm sick of myself and and my looks. You know what that means. Yep, I dyed my hair. I relish the feeling of gazing into a stranger's eyes in the mirror. I don't want to recognize me. I am the Unfamilar, the Unheimlich.

I'm pondering and reflecting. I'm fading out and away. As far as I know, I'm losing weight. I definitely still crave thin and will do what it takes to be as slim as possible.

I've been out of therapy for about a month and everyone can tell. Not really but it feels that way. I am acting different lately...I'm rude and uncaring and easily irritated and on the constant verge of tears. I get flashes of anger every other minute. Like, right now. The phone is ringing. It's been ringing all morning and I'm fucking annoyed. STOP CALLING OUR HOUSE, PEOPLE!

I want to move out. I want to go get my Master's degree. I want a new car. I want to spend more time with my cat. I want to eat a pizza to myself in my underwear on a Friday night with no one around to judge. I think I need to start planning something.

Because I'm hungry for change. I need something new and refreshing before I fucking off myself.

***

***

Think Thin

XO

Sar

Keep on swimming

It's been a semi-productive day, and it's only quarter after one. I ate 3 small slices of toast, some cut up watermelon, and some coffee. Headed back to work shortly, after a decent weekend.

I hung out with R. on Saturday. He's hot, haha, and really nice. Pretty fucking hilarious too. Needless to say, I'm interested. But cautious. He texted me yesterday asking if I'd like to hang out again. Of course! I replied. We got along well and had a really interesting wide-ranging conversation. If anything, I'd like to hear what he has to say about a lot of things; he seems well-informed and intelligent without being condescending. I enjoy talking with smart people, because I am smart as well. No point in being dumb. I've learned that intelligence is as sexy as nice eyes.

I found myself thinking about the fire a bit today. It's always there, on my mind, and I have to choose to go down that road or not. If I do, I feel sad and pity myself. If I don't, I feel sad and pity myself. Maybe someday I'll have dealt with all of this. I'm trying, but it's tough sometimes. It really is. It's been a year and a half. I can hardly believe I've made it. It's still so surreal. I think, did that really happen to me? Yes. Yes, it did.

But I survived. I saved my kitten. My fight/flight instinct kicked in, thankfully, and my will to live was stronger than my desire to die. I left that burning building for the last time but I had no idea it would be the last time, when I stepped out my door into the thick, pungent smoke, reality hit me like soap-filled sock. It was an unreal reality though, because hours later, after the fire was out, I was screaming at the firemen to let me back in! That's my home! Where am I supposed to go?? 

The tears rest behind my eyes, I stop them. I swallow a sob back down my throat, it sinks to the pit of my stomach. I take a breath, and refuse to cry. I can not dwell. I have to go to work. Today, tomorrow, the next day. I have to keep moving, keep going. I cannot stop, I will not give up. I have goals, dreams, accomplishments on the horizon. I need to be strong.

XO
Sar

Dancing in the moonlight

Hello sexies. Tgif! I'm smoking a little and drinking some coffee. Work later. This week wasn't bad; it flew by. I skipped therapy because I'm definitely done for awhile. It's great to realize that I will go back if I need to. I'm not completely against it; it's just not for me at this time.

I've been talking to "R."...the guy I met last week at the airport. Lol. We've known each other for exactly one week but it actually feels a little longer. Dare I say something positive about this? We are hanging out for the "first" time tomorrow. I am excited. We've exchanged a great number of text messages. Every dang day. Damn my heart for beating like this. Texting is fun but it only goes so far. We'll see if he's as talkative in "real life". We are getting coffee, probably at Starbucks.

I was down a pound when I woke this morning. I've been restricting all week, trying to lose some weight. Why do I feel fat, then skinny, then average, then huge in the span of an hour? It's a roller coaster, and I want to get off! Drop me off at thin. It's where I want to be forever.

I've decided that my thighs are my biggest "problem" area. They are too big and soft. It's gross. Any foolproof methods for slimming down fatty thighs?

***

Too much time has passed, I took a break from writing this and sent one of my student loan lenders an angry, tangent-filled email.

I'm weird, but cool. I try to be myself. I'm trying to make it in this world. I'm eyeing the American dream and it seems within reach...if people would just cooperate! I want and need things to start working out for me.

*
I'm
ready
to
be
thinner
and
thinner
and
thin.
*

All week I've been shaking with hunger at work, until lunch at seven in the evening. At lunch I eat a "fiber one" granola bar, a piece of fruit, and a pepper jack cheese stick. And water. Sometimes black coffee. People have stopped staring and pointing it out, they just accept it and move on.

It's great when size medium shirts are way too baggy. That means I'm small, SMALL, SMALL!


Think thin today. Be strong-willed. Look temptation in the face and shake your head "no". It get's easier. The payoff is being bony.

XO
Sar

***

Have a great day! Smile! Be at Peace!

Feeling alright

Thanks, loves.

I had a long talk with my mom and realized that having friends who prioritize getting drunk over me, the caring listener, the one to always keep it real, is not the end of the world.

Friends are great to have around on weekends but more importantly when you need them. I needed them tonight. I thought they knew that, I thought she (my bff) would intuitively realize this.

But how could she? I've been saying all along, "it's no big deal". Well it was, it was a pretty big damn deal. I had built up these walls of expectations and they came crashing down as I sat here with a phone that wouldn't ring.

I felt like such a loser. I'm not though. I'm doing me. I don't need people to make my birthday good. I can enrich my day myself. From now on.

September fourth is over for another year.

***

I actually didn't gain weight over my vacation. That was a nice little surprise on the scale tonight. I'll probably be lower in the morning. Also, I met a guy at the airport.

Yes, the airport. He works there, he's one of the guys that direct planes and waves that orange glow stick. I met him at the bar; he was ordering food on his lunch break. I was drinking a screwdriver to calm my flyer's nerves. He came right over and we started talking. We've been texting every day and have plans to meet up next weekend. We'll see how it goes.

I'm always talking to at least 3 guys at any given time. It's funny.

If only I was that close with my girlfriends.

***

.Think Thin.

XO
Sar

Hurt

Happy birthday to me.

Every single one of my friends blew me off.

Thank God for family. My family cared enough to have dinner with me. My parents bought me a necklace. I had a great weekend with my sister.

But my friends? My friends clearly don't give a shit about me and don't give a shit that it's my 25th fucking birthday. I was supposed to hang with my "bff". Just found out she's still gone, camping with my two other "friends". FUCK THEM.

So, I'm sitting here. Alone. In my room. Crying.

Going on vacation! + Birthday anxiety

This new Blogger layout is...interesting. Still getting used to it. Hopefully none of my old posts were deleted in the process. I feel so grateful to have had this blog over the last 3-4 years. It has documented my life in this strange, fragmented way. It's fun to look back but it's more important to look forward. Keep your eyes on the prize!

I'm feeling thin today. I'm sure that will change as soon as I start putting on clothes. There's something about loose pajama pants and a cami that makes my body look so cute.

Did I really just type that? I'm apparently feeling positive today, even though I already spilled coffee all over the counter which launched me into an OCD-powered frantic cleaning of everything in the vicinity with a sponge. Keeping the fucking sponge hot, wrung out, and "clean" was another thing in itself. I put that in quotes because I think nothing is ever perfectly clean. There will always be hidden germs and nearly invisible viruses and bacterium. They will be there forever because no human is capable of vanquishing them. It's sick.

Anyway.

My vacation (!) starts tonight after work. I am going to ask to use even more vacay hours and leave early, just for the hell of it. I mean I want to pack. Tomorrow I am kissing my routine goodbye and flying away on a big silver bird. I'm getting out of dodge for the weekend. It's exciting!

My birthday is Sunday. I'll be back from my little trip that night to have dinner with my 'rents and get drunk with my bff, the only one (out of my "close friends") who is actually going to be around to celebrate. Love her. Kinda pissed at the others. Two are going camping, one is going to a concert with some peeps. We always hang out on each other's birthdays so I'm definitely feeling slighted.

Work is going well enough. I'm thinking of ending therapy. I got two inches chopped off my hair on Tuesday. No one noticed.

I had a dream last night that everyone at work knew it was my birthday but it was also another girl's, so they sang to the both of us. But I was upset, because someone stole my salad and my Dad was there, being mean to me and making me cry. So I missed out on the cake and and ran outside to sit on a stoop; I felt a little sad but mostly angry. It was so weird. I woke up and it was like emerging from a battle.

I get it - it's a pretty easy dream to analyze. I realize that I am literally at war with myself, my body. I've been worried/stressing out at the idea of someone at work recognizing that my birthday is this weekend and what they may or may not do about it. Why do I dread my birthday? I've had some bad birthdays in the past and it's just not a day that I feel particularly good about. I'm another year older and the attention is (sort of, briefly) on me. I don't want to be the center of attention for long periods of time. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. At the same time, I have this intense desire to be noticed, admired, envied, cared for, loved, liked, etc. I am The Conflicted.

I should probably get in the shower and get ready for work. The sooner I get there, the sooner I leave! I am also off Monday due to Labor Day. Long weekend!

Think thin. Stay strong against temptations. Sugar has been my enemy lately, it's so addicting that I'm starting to see and feel my body's response to it. Knowledge is power. I'm working on convincing myself that I don't need another addiction, I'm already loaded down with vices. So I'm staying away, though it's going to be tough. I have two cakes staring me down this weekend. GD it.

"A very small slice for me please, I'm so full from dinner."

That'll work.

Peace, loves :)

XO Sar