Goodbye 2012

Well this will conclude my little posting spree...I think. I'm dressed up, wearing a sexy pink dress, black tights, tall black boots, and pink feather earrings. I look hot. And thin?

On this eve, I'm sipping on a glass of wine before I head to my friend's house for a get together. Then we are off to an outdoor concert where we will surely freeze on this 20 degree night. And I'm wearing a dress. I'm crazy.

I'm also 26 years old and I fear that my priorities are fucked. Someone once told me that, and it kinda stuck. My priority is getting high. My priority is looking good, and thin.

What about the less fortunate? Why don't I volunteer my time and service? Maybe if I took the focus off me for once my eyes and mind would truly open.

Lots of changes ahead...I want to be a better person.

***

J. and I had met for tea a little while ago. We wanted to check in and be sure that we're on the same page before we all hang out in a group tonight. I told him I really like him. He told me he thinks we are better off as friends because "no one wants us together". He is right. Even his sister doesn't like it...I do not fully understand why but I cannot fight it, or beg him to think about it, or anything...I just have to accept it. So that's what I'm doing. I am attempting to accept my broken heart. Again.

And that's where I'm at folks. Hunched over my laptop blasting music wanting to cry and skip out on all of this tonight, but I won't. I will go celebrate and ring in the new year with my friends, because that's what people do: we keep moving forward. There's no other option.

I wish you all the best, and peace, and joy...in the year to come, and every year. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for joining me on my journey. This blog is a good outlet for me.

Stay strong.
Lots of love.
Much peace/mucho paz.

XO
Sarah


Talk to you next year!!!!!! =)

Stubborn Love

"It's better to feel pain,
than nothing at all...
the opposite of love
is indifference."
--The Lumineers

***

You know what this means, right? Things with J. are back to being completely precarious. So. Predictable. Of. Us.

I'm annoyed because all I want to do is push back the feelings for him that I have, but I'm equally annoyed of my desire to detach.

I am a barrel of fun these past two days, contemplative and easily angered. My temper coexists within my mind, not always peacefully.

***

Either way, I'm going to see him tonight, for the third new years eve in a row. We are not back together. We (probably) won't kiss at the strike of midnight. We will (hopefully) make it through the evening with no drama. We have to. I am through with 2012's troubles and moving on with life, even though this particular guy is clearly sticking around for awhile. There's just no fighting it. *sighs*

I'm procrastinating hardcore (gee Sar, I couldn't tell...six posts in two days?). I want to start 2013 off nice and organized. My paper pile/bills/boring shit like that is taking over a corner of my bedroom and I will attack it after I press Publish. I promise!

Cheers!
~S

The door is always open

Best Wishes in the New Year of 2013

XO

Sar

*Thanks for reading*

Gibson

My favorite Christmas present this year is my new Gibson acoustic guitar! Here's two pics!

I've never learned how to play so I'm teaching myself! It came with instructional DVDs so it's my new personal improvement project! Any tips? Do you play? How long on average does it take a person to start playing songs? If they practice daily?

Happy New Years Eve!

I'm enjoying this old Tumblr (link)

http://sugarthighs.tumblr.com/

Do you have any good inspiring links to share?

XO

~s~

What is moving will be still, what has gathered will disperse

Andrew Bird - Tin Foil

"Tin Foil" by Andrew Bird, on Fingerlings 3

Late New Years Eve paper hat on your head
It was hard to believe that you'd ever be dead
And that dream that you're falling you've had since you're five
Is a bird on your shoulder that whispers goodbye

What is moving will be still
What has gathered will disperse
What has been built up will collapse
All of your dreams are fulfilled

Evil Knievel shot up from dead grass
And I loved him better each time that he crashed
And Liza Minnelli spent a month in her bed
She was certain that Skylab would fall on her head

What is moving will be still
What has gathered will disperse
What's been built up will collapse
All of your dreams are fulfilled

Last night I dreamed that I dug my own grave
And I climbed down inside there to patiently wait
And down in the ground while I breathed the cold air
The blackbirds came down there to nest in my hair

What's moving will be still
What has gathered will disperse
What has been built up will collapse
All of your dreams
All of your dreams are fulfilled
Are fulfilled
Are fulfilled
Are fulfilled

Andrew Bird - Tin Foil

Why?

Why do we all hate ourselves so much?

Is there anyone out there, ANYONE, who can really say they have self-love, and practice it daily? If so, comment and tell me how! Please?

I'm sick of the expression, "life is too short". And yet, I say it all the time.

I fear that it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. I've been thinking about death too much for far too long.
Two days left in 2012, and I couldn't be more ready to move the fuck on.

Sun day, dark soul

It's a sunny Sunday, I'm off, and I have no idea what to do with myself. That's a lie, I have plenty of things I could be doing. But my marijuana-muddled motivation has slipped low, picture me falling down drunk on the icy driveway and laying still instead of standing. That's where I'm at.

So what am I doing? Sipping water and smoking pot and staring at the internet, wanting an option. I know I'm living the life of an addict. What's it going to take for me to stop? This is something my therapist has been really getting on me about. He gets this worried look on his face and speaks to me like I'm idiotic.

I am, I really am, and I'm human too, so the usual excuses can all be applied here. But he expects more of me, like I expect more of everyone. I demand you to jump and I command you to promptly ask "how high?"

Was that a pun? A smoking pun infused into my words like I put it there subconsciously, as if my brain only recognizes the connections between smoking and everything. Do I give my brain the choice? Do I have a choice?

*****

Yours,
Sar

Sipping on some Irish Creme

And just like that, Christmas is over for another year. I had a good one: I got the guitar I asked Santa for. I've been in need of a hobby.

Some goals for 2013: Learn how to play guitar. Make money. Save money. Move out.

That's pretty much it. All achievable.

Tonight I opened an Express card. It paid for my new editor pants and nice buttoned shirts in gorgeous colors. Money I shouldn't have spent but to justify it, now I have enough "business casual" clothes to last awhile for my new job.

I'm excited and nervous and ready to get the heck on with things.

Currently I'm drinking Bailey's Irish Creme on ice. Fattening but soo good and I deserve it tonight. I am trying to be kinder to myself, hence the shopping for nicer pricier clothes and adult beverage indulgence.

My weight did not go up despite the holiday feast. I was very much in control of my food intake, wine on the other hand...well it's all calculated and logged in my Lose it weight loss app.

Have a great day today! Peace :)

XO Sar

2012 is ending on a decent note

I got a full time job!!!!!! Starting January 2, woo! New year, new job!!!

Last night I went to J.'s work holiday party with him. We had a blast and ended the night with karaoke and lots of making out. I can't believe this you guys....and yet I can, it's like I knew all along.

I am feeling very BLOATED today from all the wine last night plus I ate cheese puffs when I got home. Ugh. Salt sucks.

I have to work today and then off for three days! My friends are having a sweet ugly sweater Christmas party on Saturday so I am looking forward to that! More drunken fun with J. and all of our friends? Yes please!

Life is good. If the world ends tomorrow I will at least die happy. If the world doesn't end tomorrow then I'm buying myself some new shoes, to celebrate.

Think thin.
XO
Sar

Random

I planned to post so much more this month. Alas, life. Here's the dish: the entire weekend has been blanketed by sorrow and thoughts of the children and adults killed in CT. What a horrible tragedy, prayers to all affected.

~~~~~~~

Today is Sunday and I'm having a decent one. I slept in, then drank coffee and caught up with my mom for over an hour, which was nice. Then I frosted some Christmas cookies to the music of Pink Floyd (and only ate one!!) Two small slices of cheese and hot pepper pizza were ate by me. More coffee and water.

Time for a shower and then off to work I go for the evening, more hours of my life dedicated to folding clothes in a retail environment. The best (and worst) part of my job is the thin inspiration all around me. The best for obvious reasons. The worst because I constantly compare and beat myself down.

I can't think straight right now. It's 50 degrees in December, rare in North Eastern America. J. and I are on great terms, finally. We are friendly but did kiss the other night. We went to the gym and I did 50 minutes on the elliptical and then played basketball for about 15 minutes. Great workout, I was sweating. It felt awesome to burn some calories.

Things are okay. Are you okay?

XO
sSaRr

Mood swings like whoa

Having a shitty day. About to take a long walk in the cold.

Edit: Had a good long walk with J. It went too quick though. Now I'm back home and miserable again. I hate being in a bad mood but whenever I'm here and there's family around I'm angry. It sucks. My brother's music is blasting, my mom wants to decorate the tree. I want to numb myself or press fast forward on life.

I miss Christmas as a youth, when I actually felt excited for the damn holiday. Since I'm currently feeling so low I don't feel like doing shit with this family of mine. What the hell is wrong with me, who doesn't want to be around their parents? Someone with no real relationship with them. I'm so tired of living a lie.

Edit: I decorated the tree with my mom while my dad sat in the armchair and read a magazine. I am now drinking a cup of hot tea and feeling slightly more relaxed. Peace!

A bag full of thoughts

We made it to the weekend! Tonight I am going to an office xmas party, not just any...it's my last place of employment haha! I'm sure I mentioned that my friend still works there, well I am going along as her date! I am wearing a super cute and fitted black dress, black heels, and gold jewelry  My nails are a deep festive blue with sparkles.

I am currently drinking some delicious coffee called "Jamaican Me Crazy". I watched "The Five Year Engagement" last night and thought it was pretty good. Emily Blunt is so perfectly thin. And her last name rocks.

I'm also smoking and pushing back the guilt because I should really quit if I want to get a real job. Damn drug testing! Stopping college grads from getting big girl jobs since the 80's.

I feel funny about this (edited to say: which I shouldn't, it's my damn blog) but it must be expressed...I feel like my friends are slipping away from me. It's sucky but most likely true. Intuition is usually correct. Yes, I will see my three "closest" girlfriends tonight, and I am looking forward to it, but with a heavy head...

It seems like they haven't been including me as much in previous weekends and also like my texts go unanswered a lot lately. I feel scarily uncertain in my bonds with them in this vague way that maybe only another pot-smoking food-obsessed twenty-something weirdo could understand.

It just occurred to me that it could be me, pushing them away and choosing to surround myself with many men, coinciding with my retail work schedule which includes nights and weekends. So maybe I am overreacting, putting something where there is nothing.

I do that a lot.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

The job interview went really well the other day. I'm hoping for some good news next week. I just want to achieve my goals I WILL achieve my goals!
"I am lucky in career" ~ "I am lucky in love" ~ "I am lucky in life". . .remember this always.

Catch ya'll later.
-Sar

Maybe it's all in my head

I'm dressed to the nines. I have an interview at 1:30 at a staffing agency for a full time job. I NEED this and to prepare, I woke super early. So early in fact that I am completely ready and just sitting here feeling my nerves. I am wearing this sophisticated three quarter sleeve colorfully printed wrap dress, black tights, black heels, and a black suit jacket. I am also wearing a new necklace, a gold bracelet, and gold earrings. My hair looks good. I look good.

And yet I'm fighting back the internal verbal beating that comes along with eating. You see, whenever I have something like this (interview, etc. where I need to be able to think straight) I feel like it's important to eat a substantial breakfast. So I made two scrambled eggs with shredded cheese and two slices of buttered wheat toast. I ate it all, and washed it down with a small glass of orange juice (and lots of coffee). That seems like a decently healthy and protein-filled start to this vegetarian's day.

But I hate myself for eating all of that. It was too much. I am full now. Borderline uncomfortably full. Which as we all know is a shitty fucking feeling. So what's the answer? Certainly not a purge, hell no. I suppose I will just restrict for the rest of the day and drink enough water to cleanse the system. You're welcome, brain. Hope you get me the job.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

I hung out with B. yesterday and got soo stoned. I literally came home and crashed. I was numb after two bongs with him but he was still going strong. He is definitely an addict. Well I suppose I am too. I wonder if this place will drug test?

How many times a day do I look in the mirror and raise my shirt (dress) and critique the flatness of my stomach? Too many. I have to tell myself, I am thinner than my friends. I am thin. I am not fat. I'm starting to think that for many of us, "fat" is a feeling and not an actual size.

Anyone watch Glee? I'm interested to see where they take Marley's bulimia story line. Maybe we'll find out tonight? (Yes I know, I'm a huge dork who loves television about high school haha).

Still no news about my dad. He had his CT scan, now we wait for test results. I'm trying to remember how to pray. Also, that medical billing bullshit I was freaking out about is seemingly resolving itself. So that's good.

Think thin, loves. Wish me luck today, if I can get this higher paying full time job I can actually move out as soon as possible! Which is what I want! I can visualize it but can I make it happen? Hope so!

XO
Sar

Hunger headache

What a day. My anxiety is through the roof, I was awake until 5:30AM applying for jobs and worrying about my financial situation. When my eyes popped open this afternoon my heart immediately started racing and my stomach started burning. I leaped out of bed and sprung into action. I did two loads of laundry.

Then came time to deal with some medical bill bullshit, and my frustration peaked as I reached automated recording after helpless service rep. Needless to say my eyes are not quite done flinging tears out at my face. My desire is to get as fucked up as possible tonight.

..and then my mom knocks on my door to tell me that the Dr. ordered another fucking CT scan for my dad, he's sick again.

Jaw to the floor, too stunned to speak. This year has been a hard one for our family and it's not over yet.

No, we do not get along. Our relationship sucks but he's my dad and I live here with them. I am so ANGRY at the world and ANGRY at myself! I was sobbing so hard that I started hyperventilating and I saw the black creep in around my eyes. I felt a stabbing pain inside and my whole outer body was shaking and weak.

In an attempt to gain control I made some tea and in conversation looked my mom square in the face. I said, "I would rather be dead than live this nightmare of a life. If I wasn't such a coward I would have already killed myself". Do I mean it? Is it bad to send those words out into the ether?

I'm sitting here, hungry, but smoking my first pipe of the day. J. texted me earlier asking if I wanted to get a drink. I might, even though we just hung out last Thursday.

I just got up and looked in the mirror at my solemn face. My skin shows sign of stress. My eyes are red-rimmed and sad, but also slightly vacant due to the puff of pot. Do you ever just look yourself in the eyes? Do you smile or give a dirty look?

God, what a depressing post. My life is not as terrible as I make it sound. All will be alright. I need to find religion again. I must stay positive. Dad will be ok. I will be ok. The family will be ok.

My weight is the same as yesterday. After today I expect it to be down even more.

xo/peace/thinkin thin?

I was down 2.5 pounds today when I woke and weighed myself. Does anyone else hate layering shirts? I think I look so fat when I wear (for example) a tank top underneath a short-sleeved shirt. So it's just my bra underneath.

The best part of working retail is looking at all the thin fashionable and pretty customers. Some are the exact opposite: obese and slovenly, lacking any kind of style. I heard one very large woman grumbling and bitching because "all the clothes are for stick figures", well excuse me lady but we go up to a size 18 for women and if you are bigger than that...well you honestly need to not be. Eat less.

Christ. I'm in a mood. Think thin and have a good day, people. I'm off to work.