Maybe it's all in my head

I'm dressed to the nines. I have an interview at 1:30 at a staffing agency for a full time job. I NEED this and to prepare, I woke super early. So early in fact that I am completely ready and just sitting here feeling my nerves. I am wearing this sophisticated three quarter sleeve colorfully printed wrap dress, black tights, black heels, and a black suit jacket. I am also wearing a new necklace, a gold bracelet, and gold earrings. My hair looks good. I look good.

And yet I'm fighting back the internal verbal beating that comes along with eating. You see, whenever I have something like this (interview, etc. where I need to be able to think straight) I feel like it's important to eat a substantial breakfast. So I made two scrambled eggs with shredded cheese and two slices of buttered wheat toast. I ate it all, and washed it down with a small glass of orange juice (and lots of coffee). That seems like a decently healthy and protein-filled start to this vegetarian's day.

But I hate myself for eating all of that. It was too much. I am full now. Borderline uncomfortably full. Which as we all know is a shitty fucking feeling. So what's the answer? Certainly not a purge, hell no. I suppose I will just restrict for the rest of the day and drink enough water to cleanse the system. You're welcome, brain. Hope you get me the job.

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I hung out with B. yesterday and got soo stoned. I literally came home and crashed. I was numb after two bongs with him but he was still going strong. He is definitely an addict. Well I suppose I am too. I wonder if this place will drug test?

How many times a day do I look in the mirror and raise my shirt (dress) and critique the flatness of my stomach? Too many. I have to tell myself, I am thinner than my friends. I am thin. I am not fat. I'm starting to think that for many of us, "fat" is a feeling and not an actual size.

Anyone watch Glee? I'm interested to see where they take Marley's bulimia story line. Maybe we'll find out tonight? (Yes I know, I'm a huge dork who loves television about high school haha).

Still no news about my dad. He had his CT scan, now we wait for test results. I'm trying to remember how to pray. Also, that medical billing bullshit I was freaking out about is seemingly resolving itself. So that's good.

Think thin, loves. Wish me luck today, if I can get this higher paying full time job I can actually move out as soon as possible! Which is what I want! I can visualize it but can I make it happen? Hope so!

XO
Sar