Feeling thankful

Happy Thanksgiving, all!

My plan for dinner is to eat minimally my favorites, and no seconds. Then I'll be "way too full for dessert".

I've been doing a lot better with my intake. And plan to keep it that way. I'm going to lose about 10 pounds, and I'm already down 1. Baby steps.

Had a great time with C. last night.

=)

Stay Strong,
and have a nice holiday !!

Xx
~S

First Day

Good morning. Today is my first day of work. I am nervous and excited. I also feel enormous. I hate being so fat. I hate how soft my body is. I hate how out of shape and gross I am. I was looking in the mirror and almost puked at the sight of my fat stomach, fat arms, fat thighs, and fat ass. I'm fat. I just had to get these thoughts out. I need to get serious about working out. Time is not on my side anymore. Nobody told me that your late twenties are filled with fat days.

I reinstalled Lose It on my cell phone and I've been tracking my intake. I've been taking long walks. It's not enough. It's NEVER ENOUGH. I just want a slim, smooth body. No lumps or bumps under my clothes. I want to see more bones. I need to lose weight. I am grotesque.

Not sure why I woke up feeling especially huge. OK, I know exactly why. Yesterday I did not eat very healthy. And I slept like shit last night. Combined with getting dressed in "business casual" for the first time in a month and I am so ashamed to say that my size four black pants are tight. They fit but they're too tight. I have gained. I am so upset about this. So I sit here currently, wearing my size six black pants, feeling like a failure. A fat failure on her first day.

It's time to buy a scale and get with the program. What is happening to me? I'm sick of camouflaging my body, strategically wearing clothes to cover my blubber. God help me.

Think thin.

I'm off, peace.
xo
-S.

Progress

I got a job!!!!!!!
Finally!

I am thrilled, it is a part time position working as an academic mentor at the city elementary school! THIS is why I quit my last job. THIS is what I've been waiting for. A job with meaning! I will make a difference! I will work with inner city youth in math and english. THIS will be a learning experience and help me grow as a person and I'm just...happy!

Peace, Xo
-S

The blues

Happy veteran's day. I've been drinking today and currently feeling depressed, lonely, and bored. Should that be my facebook status? Dear World, I FUCKING HATE you.? No, keep the facade, believe the lie. It's all going to be fine. It's 7pm and I'm slurring my words. It's monday and it feels like the weekend. I put myself here and I'll get myself out. If only I didn't feel this way.

I hate loneliness. Listening to Pearl Jam. Drinking a beer. Had a fun time with my gf and now I'm alone in my apartment with my cat and texting whoever for a little bit of attention. Life is glorious.

And my hands are tired. And my heart is scared. "I guess that's why they call it the blues" by Elton John just came on Pandora. Fitting, I'd say.

I did this to myself. OWN UP, SAR! Deal. Just. fucking. deal.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amateur hour

Uninspired

It's five in the eve
I sit here alone
demotivated,
deconstructing my decision
to bleed my soul out
by way of prose or poem
tonight at the mic.

I don't even care anymore
what I do or where I'm going...
It's easy to lie to everyone.
It's tempting to display
a face of fearlessness,
a fake path lit up -by light-
in front of me!

Day after day
nothing changes,
what remains is
the constant hurt...
What doesn't change
is my mindset,
the black hole where
my thoughts go to die.

Existential crisis

Good morning, earthlings. I'm currently freaking the fuck out. I got about 12 hours of sleep last night because I slammed 2 beers at like 8pm and then passed the fuck out. I am officially bored and the self-loathing is leaking back in. Where will my new job be? I have applied so many places. I've been on 4 interviews. The temp agency is sending my resume out. NOTHING yet. Also, I finally went home to see my parents and got to hear from my dad how he really feels about the whole situation. Read: pissed.

And he's right. I'm reckless. I have financial responsibilities that will not take care of themselves. I can't fuck around in some part time position like I wish I could. I need full time, with benefits. End of story. Talk about pressure from the family. It could've led to a fight but I'm slowly learning to not give in to him. I did cry though.

Also, last time I blogged was on Halloween and I mentioned a fight with C. and how we're not going to be friends anymore. Well sure enough, we hooked up that night. I slept there. The next morning we kissed and hugged and cuddled in his bed until I hightailed it out of there, petrified and confused.

I am still confused. We even hung out briefly on monday, just had a cup of tea at his place and took a walk. I haven't heard from him since. So it's like...ok. Who the FUCK KNOWS. I need to JUST FOCUS on me.

So that's what I'm doing. I am groggy from sleeping so much so I chugged 2 cups of coffee. I have no clue what to do with this day. I think I'll take another walk. I walked a little over 3 miles last night. It felt good and I need to keep it up because I am FAT as FUCK.

I am disgusting. I hate my fat stomach. I need to RESTRICT my intake, and EXERCISE every day so I can stop being so goddamn FAT.

Lord help me!

xo
Sar