On the eve of the new year

New Year's Eve.

Guess who ended up black out drunk and making out with my friend's brother at the party last weekend? I'm a fucking mess sometimes, man. Just didn't eat enough and was mixing liquors. Definitely regret it. Apparently I called D. when I was blacked out and was rambling on about how guys were hitting on me...and who knows what else.

Needless to say I feel like a cheater. I am technically not but this is a big secret I'm keeping from him. I feel like I betrayed him. Which I did. The first couple days after "the incident" I was extra sweet, because I felt bad, and then we fought and it was like a flip switched, like I had to be as nasty and terrible as possible, because I'm so fucking guilty and my only option is to make him leave me for good. Or so it feels.

I've been drinking a lot, too much. Bought champagne and vodka for tonight (I'm staying in, alone) and look forward to forgetting the madness. Hoping to pick up some pot which is why I haven't poured a drink yet. We'll see. If I don't hear from him by 8 it's booze time.

A little good news..I found out today that I'm traveling for work again in January. We are going to Florida! I'm from the cold northeast so this will be great. Hoping against hope there will be an hour or two for me to sneak away and be by the ocean. I crave the ocean so much, I dream of it. We'll see though. It's just gonna be me and my boss.

I feel like I'm gaining weight in my stomach. It's bothering me and I don't think it's all in my head. Drinking
+

Zero exercise

=

Fatty

Therefore, I pledge to GET MY ASS IN SHAPE. Hello 2016! Yes I still wear XS but that doesn't mean I don't have a gut. I need to look great especially since I'm single and turning 30 this year.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, LOVES!

Thanks for listening and being a decent part of my life. Be safe tonight! Think thin! Also, think positive! It really does help..

LOVE, PEACE, XO

~Sar~

Headed to a party

It's Saturday night and I'm drinking a glass of wine listening to music getting ready and about to leave for a Christmas party! Gonna stop at the store and grab some chocolate covered popcorn first as a party gift. And some alcohol too obviously. I'm excited but tired, I could easily skip it but it's important for me to get off my butt and go socialize every once in awhile. I need to get out of my head.

I had a decent Christmas, didn't overeat but my pants feel tight today. Could all be in my head. I got some cool gifts including a kitchen food processer/blender. I'm going to make protein shakes with veggies and fruits etc. Trying to start getting more nutrients. I'm so damn tired all the time, and it's not just from the anemia. Still taking iron and my color is better but the fatigue is a burden.

Saw D. xmas eve we fucked as per tradition. 5 times last year 4 times this year. I have decided that whatever this is is working for me. I can't do super serious and responsible right now. I just need to get laid once in awhile and have someone to talk to. So I'm cool, for now.

Gotta go, will update again soon.

Peace, XO
Sar

Replace fear of the unknown with curiosity..

or don't, because as good as my intentions are I am one lazy motherfucker and would totally get it if you read that and said nice idea but fuck it.

Quarter to nine at night and I'm getting high. Went shopping with my mom after work. I picked out two sweaters for Christmas. She also got me a hat, scarf, and slippers.

I am trying to be in the spirit of things, but it is an effort. The weather has been unseasonably mild, which has been great, but usually around this time of year there is snow. It is a cue that the holidays are here.

Ah, 2015. I am glad you are coming to an end. My grandmother died last month. Two months ago my brother moved to California. I am officially the last sibling left in our area. The most intense complex and difficult relationship I've ever experienced recently ended. It has been a troubling year.

No New Years Eve plans...yet. We'll see what happens.

Yes, of course I have talked to D. since I last posted. We ended things but the conversation hasn't stopped. I should despise him, but I don't. I can't. He has said some cruel shit to me. And here I am, still hooked in a way. I am not being Sally Girlfriend to him but I am loyal to our non existent relationship and him. I haven't touched anyone else and have no plans to. I'm telling myself to keep an open mind. It's been stressful, needless to say. Some days are tearful, others destructive.

I haven't been taking the best care of myself. Eating like shit kind of and drinking wayy too much. Smoking both cigs and pot constantly. Spending money recklessly. Not exercising. Always exhausted. Abusing coffee.

My period was right on time this month. For a solid two weeks prior I was convinced that he knocked me up again. My boobs were killing me. Took a test, it was negative, I burst into tears.

I hoped it would be positive. The smallest tiniest voice in my soul wanted it and I could barely admit it to myself but I knew. I know me. I've wanted for months to redo my mistake. I want another chance.

THERE ARE NO SECOND CHANCES. You fucking idiot.

I did what I did and now I pay.

I can't hate myself forever but holy shit am I punishing myself and grieving like fucking crazy.
It was this time last year. I found out the day after Christmas.

So maybe that's why I don't feel too festive. It's just everything lately.

xx