Screwed up

If you want the truth, if you can handle it, then here it is: today I binged. Horribly. It was a  bad, big, binge.

I counted my calories, obviously. It is midnight and this day from hell (tuesday) is over. I'm wasting space so you can't see this on the reader page. OK. Deep breath. I just figured it out using a calculator, and today, from midnight last night to midnight tonight, I ate 4,025 calories.

An even number. An ungodly amount for sure. I am a fat ass failure. I refuse to purge it up. Puking hurts and I don't deserve to let any of those calories I stuffed in come out. I am going to sit here and think about what I did and why I ate so much today and what the fuck happened here.

I feel physically sick. My stomach is pressing out and my head hurts and I'm thirsty so I'm sipping water and everything is wrong wrong wrong today.

I hate myself right now. HATRED. I can't believe I screwed up so badly today. Never again...

I swear that tomorrow will be better. I swear that I will not mess this all up.

I'm going to listen to some music and smoke a little in my bedroom because I just don't give a fuck. Maybe I'll fast tomorrow, either way, I need a job first and foremost. What if I promised myself not to eat until I've gained employment? That'd really be something. Too bad I'm such a little pussy.

I hate myself right now and there's nothing or no one that will adjust that. I haven't talked to either of my parents. I need the weekend to be here so I can go do something like hook up with a random in hopes of increasing my worth.

Ostracize me. Hate on me. Give me all you've got. I deserve your hell hand-in-hand with my self-inflicted wounds.

Be better than stupid ass me. Be thin. Think thin.

--Sar--

Rage is relative, so is thinness

It's one in the morning and I'm high after a long day. As expected, things at home are...tense. My dad and I got in a fight today. He was off because of a dentist appointment and was not around when I woke, freezing, to a 60 F house. It was probably 20 F outside. So, like I've done many times, I turned the heat up to 66 or 67.

He came home, I went to the kitchen (a mistake in more ways than one) and he turned to me, angrily; he said, "did you turn the heat up?". His eyes conveyed such rage; my defenses rose instantly and I responded, "I did, I woke up and it was 60 in here." (A lie, it was maybe 62). Long story short, we started yelling at each other, he turned his back on me, putting a barrier and physical distance between us, and walked away. It was the first time I saw him this day and he didn't say hey or hello or good afternoon; he found a reason to pick a fight and victimize me, leaving me empty and longing for a different upbringing.

I started crying softly, and walked to my room and shut the door. I'd come out only twice while my parents were up. I read for awhile and then went to sleep around 8 pm and woke back up to seven texts from this one dude E. I've been talking to. That was around 11 pm.

I then left the house with the intention of getting food. All I ate today was a amy's light in sodium vegetable lasagna tv dinner [290 calories], homemade vegetable soup [150 cal] and 1 slice of bread [70]. I was craving something, but it wasn't food. I got in my car with a bowl and drove. I (luckily) got high and started thinking clearly about what I was doing. I didn't get food. At the last minute I turned into a 24 hour coffee place and got a small french vanilla cappucino [240] and came home. It's obviously after midnight and into tuesday so I'd say monday food-wise, was decent.

I am hurt by my dad and researching "daddy issues" and feeling a sense of deja vu when I read the descriptions. I am sick of this. I've been home almost 2 weeks and it's just so awkward and lifeless and straining and I'm just ready to leave all over again. I need a job though. I don't have one yet and I can't move until I have a source of income. I can tell my dad resents me for this. He just worked 7 days in a row so I can understand being tired, but is it really necessary to talk to me so roughly and condescendingly and with eyes of contempt? It's not. He doesn't really do it to my brother or my mom; he despises my presence here and it's sucking the life out of me.

And because of all that I am vowing to continue this restriction. I am vowing to keep shedding pounds because I am not thin enough.

I'm doing it again, I'm anxiously chewing on the insides of my lips as I write this.

I've got some stuff to take care of and I need to stay positive. I've been having some good times with my friends here. There are a few male prospects. I am not as fat as I was last month. Or the month before. I am losing weight slowly but surely. I will not binge. I will not wreck this.

I'm listening to the grateful dead and I'm high and I made a good choice tonight. I can get a job. I am flying south to see my sister and baby nephew at the end of the month! I have something to look forward to and that's that.

No offense on the fb delete, *Flushed* - I got paranoid.

Think thin, all. Stay strong every minute. Let the decision to over-indulge weigh heavily on your minds. It's not worth it.

Thinspiration -~-~-~~->

Xo Sar

Squirm

Every single day that I've been home -
Mom: What did you eat today? 
Me (making something up): Blah!

My Dad has been on this diet and lost ten pounds. He is still very much overweight. He won't eat vegetables or fruit or whole grains. He drinks diet soda and scarfs down chips like he'll never eat one again. So they've been experimenting with "healthy meals", while I stand back and watch from afar, trying like hell not to showcase my knowledge of food, calories, and dieting too much. I think my Mom suspects something. I've taken to covering my collar bones with high-cut shirts. Whatever, I've been way thinner (when I was a teen) so bug off.

There are food issues aplenty in my family and today I started to hate each and every one of them for influencing me into this disordered piece of shit.

In other news, I'm thin today. Again. I have been restricting very successfully and I am about to get my period and there is minimal bloat due to me being smart around carbs. I will get thinner. I will NOT have a tummy roll when I sit down.

Today I wore tight-fitting dark blue jeans and a fitted red cardigan, buttoned all the way up. Earrings. Boots. White coat. I went to this guy's (who happens to be a long-ago ex) apartment because he was helping me find buds. We have a somewhat close relationship and occasionally get a little touchy-feely. His name starts with J. too, of course. I don't want to get confused with all the J.'s I talk about so we'll just refer to him as long-ago ex. He's hott. With a kid though. (Not the other, crazier one with a kid).

Long story short; I was sitting on the couch and he was sitting by my legs and goes, "do you still have your belly button pierced?" and started to lift my freakin shirt. While sitting! You know??


I squirmed but didn't push his hand away and either nodded yes or murmured hmm or something sexy, I don't remember. All I remember is looking down...and seeing...the roll that sank a million ships.


Oh yes.

I want to be thinner. I want no stomach roll. NONE. NO FAT on me!!!!!!!

Calories today totaled maybe 900. If I keep this up the pounds will continue coming off. I'd guess that I lost at least two pounds since being home.

Think thin, lovelies.

Xo

The other

So much to say, no time to write. That's a lie, I have all the time in the world tonight. I'm just...antsy. A LOT has been happening. I really want to smoke but I am officially moved into my parent's house and it's just not possible. They'd freak.

I wonder where I left off with my last post... I've been so busy. I moved home last thursday, went out that night for a much-needed drink after unpacking a shit ton of stuff, and bumped into this guy J. who I hooked up with over Thanksgiving. He's the one with the girlfriend. (NOT the J. I usually talk about - he's out of sight, out of mind). Well it wasn't long before we were flirting and then cuddling on my friend's couch and then we moved upstairs to a spare bedroom and passed out in each other's arms. No sex. No kissing. Just...touch.

:Sigh:

The next day I drove him home; it wasn't awkward. We were extremely hungover but Friday was new years so of course we ended up meeting back up later on. I was excited/terrified to see him again. My friends and I stopped at this party briefly and he was there. He ignored me for a bit but then we started talking. Him and his girl were "text-fighting" for awhile and he was bummed but eventually snapped out of it. We all hopped in my friend's truck and headed downtown for the ball drop. No kiss at midnight for me. We went to the bars around one or two in the morning and drank some more. Then we went back to my friend's house (it was that kind of wild, endless night). We started drinking more and playing music and then J. and I passed out in a bed (actually it was an air mattress, lol).

We woke to screaming. My best friend was getting beat up and yelled at by her asshole ex-boyfriend, who we mistakenly thought could handle hanging out in a group situation with us for new years. This was about 9 or 10 in the morning. J. and I had been sleeping for approximately an hour.

I started freaking out on him (my girl's ex) and kicked him out. We were all shaking and tense. My girl ended up screwing some other guy and J. and I went back in the bedroom and started messing around. It was really nothing serious, just some nudity and touching. No kissing, still. This went on for a couple hours until I told him I needed a nap around 12:30 PM. We basically stayed up allllll night. He left me and went to pass out on the couch. I slept for 3 hours and then woke up and joined him on the couch. We talked a little and then I woke my girl up and I drove them all home.

It was fun.

Just...long-winded. And I haven't heard from J. since. 2 nights together and that's that. I sent him a little, quick email. No response. We don't have each other's phone numbers and we're not friends on facebook. I understand he has a girlfriend. I cannot get attached. I just felt a connection once again with him. We've only  met 3 times, and every.single.time. we've been all over each other. It's like there's magnets in our hearts.

As for eating and thinness...well, I've been trying like hell! I had some binge days early last week before my big move but since I've been home I've been doing really well. I mean, J. saw me (almost) naked and I wasn't really self-conscious. I felt thin. Every day when I wake up I feel for my bones.

I bought Portia De Rossi's memoir and it's really good and thinspiring. I'm about half way through. I feel bad I haven't updated this blog or read any of yours but I've just been busy and nursing hangovers. I need to find a job so that's the next thing for me to do.

I am dying to see/talk to J. It's driving me a little mad, actually. He's gorgeous and strong and funny but he definitely drinks too much and (to state the obvious) he's a cheater. Now, we didn't kiss or have sex or even oral sex, but his girl would not be pleased if she knew that we spent 2 nights together, including new years. Any of you ever been in this situation?? Any advice??

I'm thinking of you all and going to catch up on some blogs right now. I need to kill time before my parents go to bed so I can finally smoke and relax. I'm so addicted..


Think thin!!!!!!!!!

Xo
Sar

Moving

Howdy. I've been holing up in my apartment in College town for the past two days, alternately binging and starving, smoking mucho verde, and just being lazy. Tomorrow is moving day. Today I started packing. Packing sucks, but like Mom says, "it's a good way to get organized." Organized, my ass. I'm perfectly organized. Losing all my possessions ensured that I'd never be weighed down by thousands of meaningless material items. I have what I need and what I want and I like it that way.

My tongue tastes gross and metallic-like. My stomach is in knots combined with super strong urges to go. Ahem. I'll admit I like that, I always feel thinner after a few minutes in the bathroom.

I know that I'm stressed about moving but something else is going on. J. has been completely ignoring me for a week now. Absolutely and completely. I've sent him a few messages over the days and gotten no response, whatsoever. Fuck him.

Good riddance, J. We're leaving this town but not together. I hope the memory of my face or a funny thing I said gives you hell.

I just stood up and smoked a cigarette. It did not help my stress at all. I stood there, smoking, panicking. It just took me so many tries to type that, my fingers are shaking like mad. Maybe I should eat something. LOL. Nah.

Oh you guys, can you just come pack my shit and move for me tomorrow? 

In other news, I've got 100 followers. Thanks. That's a nice even number for me to contemplate. You all are so sexy.

I'll get back to my shaking and packing and downloading music and smoking and pacing. Wish someone was here to give me a hug or a slap across the face.

Think thin.

Xo 

Sar

She's got chubby thighs and arms. Don't be like her. Be like her:

Skinny arms and legs win. Always.

At least moving burns calories.

Peace.

The Fear

I did not binge on Christmas eve or day. Last night before I went to sleep I lifted my shirt and saw my ribs. I hate the way my mom says, "anorexia" ("anoREXia"). I saw "Black Swan", finally, but it triggered the most intense panic attack I've had in awhile. I flew home in a paranoid haze; I sat here, breathing hard and rocking back and forth, trying my hardest not to puke all over my parent's pristine bathroom for a good two hours last night. I finally calmed down a little, went to sleep, just woke up, and here I am.

See the movie if you like thinspo and having your mind fucked. I am seriously having a racing heart again so I can't really talk about it, but I went alone to the movies, and I think that contributed to my anxiety. There's a first time for everything right? I just wanted to see it, and didn't feel like having company.

Last night I chewed up my lip due to my tension and hunger, probably. I was so proud that I did not binge. There was tons of food and dessert here. It's just not worth it to me, I feel like a fat cow.

I dyed my hair :) It's dark now, which makes me look way better.

J. and I are not talking at all. I feel like my friends are not really my friends. I'm still at my parents house but heading home today to start packing, and THEN later this week I'll be moving away from College Town for the last time.

Going to be busy but Lord knows staying busy burns calories.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and stayed far, far away from the plethora of desserts at your disposal. They're just not good for you, ok?

Think thin...

Xo 

Sar

Unforgiving

I'm supposed to be packing, because it's a few days before Christmas and I am expected at home, but I'm not. I'm sitting here, smoking and listening to good music. I'm sipping some tea and making a list. No food yet, it's already after noon.

Looks like I won't be seeing J. until after Christmas. I'm not upset. OK, yes I am. Of course I am. This feels all too familiar though. I read some old posts from right around this time last year, and I was pining for T. like I am currently obsessing over J. However with J., it's like a detached attachment. Does that make sense? Maybe I am just using him as a distraction for my ever-changing thoughts. I am focusing on him instead of focusing on my future. It's like I'm willing to sit back, contentedly, while my (future) husband brings in the bacon mucho dinero.

Really Sar? A housewife? That's your ambitious plan? HA! What a joke I am.

To be perfectly honest I've been feeling pretty down on myself lately. You wouldn't think so, what with college coming to a close and whatnot, but I really just have experienced so much self-loathing as of late.

Today, my neck is killing me. I slept on it wrong, that's what happens. It's a reminder that my body is in fact aging. Sick.

ENOUGH NEGATIVITY, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!

This post sucks. I don't suck. Nope! Haven't sucked anything in almost a freakin' year. What is WRONG with me? The only action I get is in my dreams. I guess I just push every possibility away.

The farthest J. and I have gone is kiss. A little tiny bit of dirty texting, but nothing more. It just PROVES that he is not as attracted to me as I am to him. Disappointing! I must remember that I can't change people. I must also get thinner! Because who doesn't like a skinny girl?

I must say I was looking great over the weekend, nice and thin. Bony even. However I've been eating a little more the past day (yesterday only) because I am about to leave this place for almost a week & I didn't want the produce to go to waste. I can see where it shows is my point.

The only way to be as skinny as I want to be is to not eat. It's so fucked up but eating anything causes me bloat! Even veggies! It's soo weird.

I'll leave you on that note. Think thin. I'll probably be updating regularly once I'm home because there will be constant food temptation there. I just need to be smart.

Peace

&thinness

are my

ReligiOn.

Xo ~ Sar

Amazing

To the anonymous commenter: Welcome! Thanks for commenting! Yes, I am perfectly aware that I'm crazy, no need to point it out :p

Well bloggers...I'm done.

DONE!!!!!!!!

No more college. Ever. I'm fucking finished and I feel sick! I can't believe it, actually I can. This has been six years in the making. Yes, I took my time attending community college (for my a.s.) and then university (for my b.a.). There's no set time to complete two degrees.

So here's what happened. You remember my last post, about "lessons learned"...I was devastated but secretly excited that I was "off the hook" for that project. Well the very next day (yesterday) my professor emailed me saying that she would "give me a break" and gave me until Friday (today) to turn something in. I, of course, responded professing my thanks and gratefulness. I didn't do shit yesterday though, haha. This morning I had my last exam in a philosophy class, and then I went to the library, popped an adderall, and banged out a power point presentation and a paper.

I barely got it turned in on time (she gave me until 3:30) but it's turned in. The terrible part? I didn't even read it over or revise it or anything. I just wrote. Bam. Done.

So that's good news regardless...turning in a shitty project and paper is better than nothing at all. So that'll help my grade and GPA.

And now I sit here, done with all school work forever, and I'm shaking and my stomach is in knots and I have "cried" a few times, more like emotionally up-heaved, and I've talked to my mom, dad, and sister. I've texted a bunch of people. But the only one I can be this honest with is you. I looked forward to telling you this.

I have acquaintances. Hardly any friends. You people are all out there somewhere and can't exactly give me a hug, but the weird thing is, that's what I need right now.

I need a freakin' hug. It's almost hilarious.

If it wasn't so sad.

My shoulders ache for touch, my brain yearns for the rush, my skin craves contact.

I feel...[insert random emotion]. I also can't eat. I don't want to eat. Today's calories: 120. It's 5 at night.

Now I'm chillen at this table smokin' a bowl. I keep leaving this post and going to pet my cat. I am showing him as much love as possible, for putting up with my coldness lately. It's not that I've been ignoring my kitty, just not as playful and happy around him. I yell at him, well I am training him still. He's only one and a half. Anyone else out there with a cat?
Anyway, from now on I will make it a point to play with him more. He's mine, after all. It's the least I can do.

What to do tonight? It's friday, go figure. My night of "wanting" to hang out but I'm just so far away from it all, I don't always want to drive out to the bar. I think I need to do some deep reflection.

J. just texted me. Ugh, damn him!

Him and his hott asssssss...j/k

Not really.

I'm baked & need to end this. I've wrote a lot today. I love you all and just always remember to follow your dreams :) Stay strong!

Xo Sar

Lessons learned

I made a huge mistake today. It pains my heart to type this, but I just discovered it, and I need to get these feelings out because they're toxic to my insides right now.

That last project I talked about in my last post, earlier this afternoon? I didn't do it. I also did not go to the exam period where we were supposed to turn them in. I emailed my teacher at 4:00, when I was supposed to be there, and asked if I could turn it in tonight. She just replied, saying no, it's too late. She'll pass me but "it won't be a grade I'll like".

Of course now, after getting it out and waiting a minute or two for this to process I feel this small golden sigh of relief. Now one exam stands in my way of graduating, and that is on Friday...so I have some time to chill and study. The pressure feels off but this is seriously quite the burden to bear.

I don't know what came over me. Actually I do, I was upset about J.
How could I let a boy affect me so much?
How could I let down this teacher, who I've looked up to for two years?
How could I blow off the exam?

The answer is I've done it before. I skipped final papers and just said to hell with it. I have no problem giving up. In fact, it's too easy to convince myself that it's a good idea,

I was just so tired, it would have been shit anyway.

So there's my big mistake, you heard from me before and after. What went wrong? I just went to sleep in between posts, so that's that. I chose to rest.

My soul needs rest. I must check off these stresses sitting on my mind. I must do something to pull out of this depression. The thing about depression is that sometimes you get comfortable with it, you tell yourself that skipping out on the world and living is fine. You sleep the problems away and have terrible, sexual, vivid dreams and wake up sweating, heart racing. You avoid conflict by shutting down and it's ok with you because, hey you're not dealing with anything.

Living shouldn't be a waste but I waste it.

Living should be enjoyable most of the time but I rarely smile.

I laugh when pretty little boys crack me up, like J. Only he's not pretty, he's a fucking god.

Fuck it.

I managed to eat two burritos made with whole wheat fiber-filled wraps and organic refried beans with chilies and spices. I added a small amount of shredded cheese, lettuce, and salsa to each.
Total calories [540].
+
Then I had a "spinach souffle" [175], 3 "chik'n nuggets" (meatless) [150], and 4 peeps [110].
Total calories [435]
=
Total calories for the day [975]

And it's only seven at night

I feel like a heifer. J. still hasn't gotten back to me. My neck hurts in a weird way, it's like tingly or pinched or something. My back aches. I'm tired but this is a strange time to go to bed.

I guess I'll just do what I always do. Smoke & watch tv/surf the net.
It's all killing me.

Think thin

Empty eyes

I did it. I wrote 11 pages in about 6 hours yesterday morning, fueled by the 67 messages J and I had sent to each other throughout the night and also by the Adderall chugging through my system. I attempted to drive to campus so I could print it out and turn it in and got stuck in the snow leaving my driveway. Luckily, my neighbor's ex was dropping off their kids just at the moment and he pushed me out. So I get to campus and all the computer labs are closed. The minutes are ticking by and I'm panicking, but getting lots of exercise due to my fast walking from building to building. Finally I get the paper printed out and run to my classroom; I get there and it's empty and dark. I'm sweating and flushed at this point. So I ran to my teacher's office. She was there; she gave me attitude, but whatever...it's turned the fuck in.

I headed home after fueling my car and proceeded to get STUCK AGAIN in the snow, this time pulling into my driveway. Omg. So I kept trying to get out and kicking the snow under my tires but nothing was working. I called the snow plower guy who does our driveway and he was able to come in about 20 minutes. It was ridiculous. I went inside and kind of crashed, but didn't sleep.

J. ended up coming over. We smoked and had 3 glasses of wine (finishing my bottle). I didn't realize he had to partake in a conference call last night, and he left way too soon. We hugged, so briefly. I don't even remember it because it happened so fast. So I'm sitting here after he left; over-tired, drunk and high, and I started crying real tears. I rarely cry. I am crazy about him but he just wants to be friends.

So OF COURSE I was dumb and pulled out my phone and said "come back!" and he said "what why I can't." and I said "after your conference call." and he said "i can'tttttt and i have no gas in my car." and i said "so get some." (In his defense he lives 20 minutes away)

He never responded. I passed out for maybe 30 minutes and then picked up that devil, my phone, again. I sent him a semi-long message about feelings and shit and he never got back to me. It is now the next day (Wednesday) around noon. I just texted him AGAIN saying "hope you made it home safely last night." and that's going to be it. I realize that he needs to be in control, well I am more than willing to sit back and let him be. I seriously would do anything for him, and he might know that. I am starting to get to know him better though and I realize that I can't bug him with millions of messages. The ones I've sent since he left were sincere enough that I'm not worried about it.

Did I mention that I gave my two weeks notice at my job and he did it the same day? Him and I are going places, but not together :(

In other news I've been basically starving myself. I look pretty thin today. My appetite is not here. I think of food and then realize that NOTHING sounds good. Yesterday I ate about 500 calories, if that. Actually more than that because I had some wine last night, which hit me like a sack of bricks, dang.

Today so far has been nothing and the day is already half over. Food is not looking appealing at all and I'm grateful for that. I think it's just a combination of stress, exhaustion, adderall, and heartache. Yes my heart aches for J. I've never met anyone like him. I hope he is always in my life.

I am sooo tired. I got about 8 hours last night but wish I was still in bed. UNFORTUNATELY I have ANOTHER project due today, my God, let this week be over already, please. 2 things stand in my way of graduating: this project and my final exam on friday. I can do it, right??

Thanks for the nice comments. It really is encouraging that you have faith in me. I <3 you for that. And for reading all this madness. My fingers fucking hurt from all this typing lately (blogging and papers plus my usual internet searching). OK. Time to end this.

Think thin today. I just keep reaching down and feeling my hip bones. Those little guys motivate me to keep pushing hard on this journey to thin. I am thin but I want to be thinner. Stay strong, please. Don't be gross.

Xo Sar

Sleep deprivation

I'm so tired I feel sick. I got home from work and bull-sh!tted around for a few hours, and then slept for about two hours, and now I'm up again, with a foggy brain and I'm really just hoping someone will please hand me my paper on a silver freakin' platter. K? Can you bring it over in the morning?

No? Well fuck you! I am in a bitchy mood and I would give anything to just curl up in bed. THE END RESULT is what I need to focus on but it's hard, because I really should NOT have waited until now to start this. I don't even have a fucking topic. I have a few random sources and I just fucking hope I can pull this off without getting sick as a result of no sleep.

Work with J. was ... intense. We texted a little when I got out; he said that sometimes he just doesn't want to be on his phone, which I completely understand. He said "he expects nothing from me so I shouldn't expect anything from him." Right...well I don't J. I have no expectations. I don't even hold myself accountable for half the shit I do. I just don't know anything right now.

Thanks for the nice comments on that last post, it really makes me feel good to feel that connection with you guys. As we all know I'm quite the loner so knowing that I've got some peepz out there feels really special. 

Can you tell by reading this how exhausted I am? I screwed today up, big time. Well, yesterday technically. It is officially Tuesday now. Fuuucckkk. I need to start this. I have my adderall to pop so I know that will help, I just feel apprehensive about taking other's prescription pills sometimes...like I worry that my heart will stop or something equally freaky. Maybe it will maybe it won't either way I need to quit bitchin' and just do the damn thing.

Lots of cursing tonight, sorry about that. I know I'll feel better tomorrow, once this is behind me. Once this paper is done I can focus on my last project (due Wednesday) but it won't be as mentally straining as this one so that's something to "look forward to".

Ohhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Ok!

Well good night darlings and hit me back, just to chat, sincerely yours, your biggest fan, this is Stan.

Just kidding it's Sar.

Xo

THINK THIN!!!!!!! <3

The longest time

It's snowing again and I'm freezing. Don't you just love those days when you can see your ribs through your back? :)

That paper I was freaking out about last time I posted? Got it back today. 91 :) Alas, I am still feeling hellish, I have another (my last forever) paper due at 1:30 tomorrow afternoon. Fuuuccckkk. I work tonight, and I hope I make it out there -- it's a freakin' blizzard...wish I had a freakin' blizzay. Feel me?

I am so high, I am really happy I did good on that paper. That's what 8 hours of adderall-fueled creativity will get me. I have to do it again tonight after I get out of work. My stomach feels sick just thinking about it. I'm so nervous and in disbelief. Am I really about to finish college? In the next few days? (This is finals week)... I feel sickly bittersweet and shocked and anxious but also excited and contemplative.

Anyone else about to graduate? I'm freaking out man, that's why I'm smoking so much probably. I've been smoking nonstop lately. J. was out of touch all weekend; it drove me nuts. We went from talking everyday and him getting snowed in here and sleeping over last week...to nothing. This isn't the first time, either. He's a scorpio...I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not. I am crazy about him, but I can stay away. He finally texted me yesterday afternoon (first I'd heard from him since Thursday evening) with a simple "Sorry I went skiing all weekend."

Um? Ok?

So I haven't responded, I'm giving him a taste of his own medicine. I will see him at work tonight though...hope it goes good.

It's dumb, but it is what it is. I like him, he likes me, but we won't do a damn thing about it or get serious because we are both in the middle of  important life transitions. At least we are smart enough to realize it. Who knows what will happen down the road, he said something like," fate will tell in due time"... OK hippie, wait, I'm a hippie too...hahah not really -- fuck labels.

Anyway. I have a lot more to do for school before I finish and right now I have about three hours before I have to be at work and what am I doing? Nothing of substance. I am a slacker. I just love waiting to the last possible minute to do ANYTHING I guess. Whatta freak. Actually I lied. I am doing a load of laundry. All laundry will be done after this shyt dries. The dishes are done. I just need to do homework but I don't want to! Please God, give me strength and discipline!!! Thank you!!

Whoa. Hold up. Did she just say a prayer? Why, yes. Yes I did. Because I pray :)

My butt is tingling. What a weird thing to follow up the seriousness with. But really, my butt tingles. THAT's how excited I am to see J. at work. I am so sick with love, if that's what this is. I can't wait to see him. I've missed him. No one else makes me laugh like him. When I first met him I had no idea how deep he was...he's great and I'm ridiculous but he likes something about me. Last week when we got bombarded by snow he drove 20 minutes to me and shoveled me out and then drove me to work and came back after work and slept over and we hung out until the next afternoon and them he called me as soon as we went our separate ways. Omg I miss him, it's been almost a week since I've seen him, five days since we've "talked". It's just been too long.

I've been busy, so has he. Whatever.

I gotta get to my work, thanks for reading.

Think thin everyday!

Xo~Sar

Hydro Ponics

Good Morning. This is my last full day of classes. Forever. I feel surprisingly excited, like, let's get this over with. Yesterday I finally managed to get my ass to campus (I couldn't on Monday or Tuesday because of all the snow) and met with all my teachers, boy was I teary. My eyes were welling up every five seconds and I am sure they are all a little sick of me at this point.

And I am sick of them.

I'm sitting here, watching the news, sipping on green tea, and smoking a bowl. The weather guy is calling for more fucking snow. UGH please stop Mother Nature, please end this madness, please, please.

Yeah, I'm high.
So I am supposed to turn in this paper today at two. I am not, I decided to turn it in tomorrow. I have not even started it. I have not read any of the required materials and I have not made an outline. I have three classes today so I am going to make a strong attempt to squeeze in some paper time. I don't give a fuck anymore wait yes I do. I need to. I am not done yet.

I lay awake last night, thinking: two papers, two exams, and one project. Five things. I can do this.

I feel greasy and gross. Time to get ready. I've got to leave so early because of the snow. It's almost comical.

Be smart about food today...no binging. I want to fast but sometimes I worry that fasting when I'm expected to *perform* (when I'm writing papers and such) won't help anything. I need all the brain cells I can get, since I'm killing them daily with my undesirable vices. I will write this paper today and I will restrict. Yesterday was a decent day but it's over and now it's time to focus on what is important. Restriction is actually good for you. I've got my plan; I've got my purpose.

Think thin :)

Natalie P. is amazing! Anyone see "Black Swan" yet?

XO~Sar

I strive to be better

I'm sipping on a bud light and trying to relax: today has been hellish. Let it be clear that next winter I will NOT be where I am, I will be SOUTH. Ok, anyway.

Today: car was completely and utterly buried by thick white snow, the driveway had snow drifts up to my waist, J. came over and shoveled me out & I smoked him up as payment. He ended up driving me to work because we could not get my freaking car out of all the snow. For those of you who have never seen snow (if there's any?) YOU'RE LUCKY! 

Back to J. and his hottness (remember him? dude from work that was supposed to leave town weeks ago? musical guy?). Well I was just SO TOUCHED by his beautiful heart and then we worked together for four glorious hours (yes all that madness and shoveling was only for a short shift) and I must admit that I care deeply for this man, he is truly special to me. I understand the timing is not right but I'd love to marry him someday. It's not just about his looks, oh no. Today showed me that not only was he raised right but he was raised Christian, and that is becoming more and more important to me. He is a good person.

Anywho I'm home now (ended up getting a ride home from another dude, but he's engaged with a kid on the way; we used to work together, it's totally platonic between us) and smoking a bowl. I've been restricting but my period is coming up so I am bloating. I'm sure this beer I'm drinking will not help but hey, it's practically a diuretic.

One of my professors is SO THIN.. I've stared at her, up and down, not creepily I hope, during every class. Her collarbones, arms, legs, stomach, face, neck, everything is so so thin and I'm jealous. She's even had two kids!
But I think on the teacher evaluation form they always have us fill out at the end of the semester I will note that she is so thin it distracts from the lesson and makes me feel inadequate in comparison. It really does though. One week of classes left I can do it I can do it...

Oh and the debate went great! We got a 90 (out of 100)! So yes I am quite pleased about all that. I was quite sick last week but took the weekend to VEG the fuck out. I needed rest and relaxation so I just watched movies and took naps and smoked and ate soup and drank tea and I feel pretty much better. I gotta watch that I don't relapse but I should be ok.

Also! I scored some adderall thank goodness. 7 of them, to be exact. I haven't touched them; I'll use them to keep awake and write 8-10 page papers in 1 night. Oh what fun.

I can't wait to NOT be a college student. I am 24, time to grow up. I am quite proud that I'll receive my Bachelor's degree in a couple weeks. 

Well just thought I'd update a bit. I am hanging in here. I am trying. I could be doing better (always) but I am not killing myself over anything right now. I'm just trying to live.

I'm also trying to lose weight! Wahooo !

Think thin :) :) :)

Be strong :) :) :)

I love this picture!!!! I love Natalie Portman!! 

I want to see "Black Swan" soo bad! Looks like amazing thinspo:)

Hopefully these pretty ladies inspired you to ignore those "cravings" for junk food -- it's just your brain playing tricks on you. It's amazing how our brains try to take over, I say, fight it! I am more than a brain, I am better than a craving, I am a unique soul trying to better myself in every way possible. That obviously includes striving for a better body. Don't be fat. 

Be thin.

xo~Sar

Dog days

5:30 at night and it's dark out. I'm sitting here drinking cup after cup of hot tea in hopes of soothing my sore throat. I am also smoking. I've had about 700 calories today. I am light headed from the smoke and restriction. In about an hour, I have to drive through the snow back to campus, because tomorrow morning is my big debate, and my partner and I are just getting together tonight due to our busy schedules. Less than 2 weeks of classes in my undergrad and I'm freaking out, but trucking on.

I am so easily distracted, switching from tab to tab, settling on blogger, noticing I've gained a follower, feeling guilt for not posting in awhile, but not really...I mean, who cares? Certainly not I. I give myself credit for getting out of the bed in the morning, it's not easy dealing with depression while tackling school work and a job and so I give myself plenty of leeway when it comes to extracurriculars, like blogging.

I am completely nervous about standing in front of my (mostly male) class tomorrow at 8 in the morning. I have been feeling sick all week and am stressed to the max. Especially because I am still EXTREMELY unfamiliar with the law, and my teacher is all about the law, and I'm sure to stand there awkwardly if my classmates start flinging questions our way left and right. *Sigh*

I just got to have faith in my partner and I. We are meeting tonight and that's that. Hopefully we'll come up with a strong argument and tomorrow won't be horrifying. Hopefully.

Well she just texted me, asking me to get there early. So I'll end this here. Oh goodness, the fear. Wish me luck, darlings. Stay strong tonight and tomorrow. I've started adding notes to my phone after a binge, and it's working. The last time I binged was yesterday morning at 10, I know this because I noted it in my phone. It was a controlled binge but still. Fuck binging.

Think thin, please. Be someone's thinspiration tomorrow. I always dress to emphasize my thin parts, specifically my arms and neck/collar area. I keep it baggy around my tummy. I hate having a stomach, I'd like to just wish it away. But instead I''ll just starve for a bit. Concave stomach = MY NEXT GOAL!
Peace!

Xo~ Sar