I'm in a Lull + Pics of me

My clothes are getting baggy. I actually dry my jeans, before I'd be too worried about drying/shrinking them. I've been doubling up, wearing tank tops under shirts and knee socks under jeans or 2 thick hoodies, because I'm cold. All. The. Time.

Today: 2 cups of coffee, black [0]. 2 slices of whole wheat toast with "I can't believe it's not butter" [190]. I've emptied my insides out into the porcelain fountain (no, not purging; the other). I feel empty.

I am so anxious. I am so out of it. I am pacing around, lifting my shirt, staring at my stomach, staring at my hip bones. Ohgod, my hip bones. I do love them, I always touch them.

Thanks for asking about my job. Here's a truth: I quit after two days. My boss was a sexist pig; he is 80 years old and the generational gap screamed vulgarities. He thought he could continually point out (in front of others) how young, pretty, and cute I am. It made me sick. Not because I don't believe him, but because that is just fucking rude. I thought I was hired for my intelligence, but it turns out, he wanted me there for my looks alone, because he thought I'd be able to "represent" the company. Fuck that. So I quit.

I know. It's ridiculous. And it fucking sucks. So needless to say, I am once again, unemployed. I went on a interview yesterday at a local grocery center. It went well but I haven't heard anything.

Luckily, my parents are understanding and haven't kicked me out on my pathetic ass yet.
Luckily, I have enough self-knowledge and self-respect to know when I need to stand up for myself. I do not regret quitting, I just wish so much it would have worked out. It didn't. So that's that.

I have not heard another word from T. Last Saturday was obviously just a fluke, a drunken dial. Silly me got my hopes up. It's been an emotionally draining week. I am ready to just see my friends and get drunk so I can put this all behind me.

I hope everyone is doing well. Here's two pics of me from today. Please click on them for a better view.

Sorry for the poor quality, I took them on a whim as I was getting dressed.

After looking at these again, I'm realizing just how fat I really am, and how far I still have to go to look good.

I'm disgustingly huge and I need to shrink my stomach.

Think Thin*

Xo

Sar